Thursday, March 13, 2008

Wookin' Pa Nub

So yeah, I'm still single. It's been ages since I shared my bed with anything but my dog, my stuffed dinosaur, and an ever-growing colony of dust mites. And this makes me anxious. I'm tiptoeing toward 29* and my romance Magic 8 Ball continuously comes up "Very Doubtful" followed by "As I See It, Soup for One".

Yes, I got a marriage proposal last week, but it was from a man wearing a rain coat and carrying a box of kittens as he staggered down the Spruce Street sidewalk. "Marry me, baby! I wanna marry yoooou!" he shouted in my general direction. I thanked him for the sentiment and kept walking toward my true love, Samuel "Sammie" Flatbread, Esq.**

"Aww baby, why don't you think I'd be a good man?" he asked, as several spectators crossed to the other side of the road. "Because of the human shit on your pants," I wanted to say. Instead I simply picked up my pace.

"Your loss, sweetie," he shouted at the back of my head. "Wanna buy a cat?"

Sigh. I used to believe in love and relationships and all that. I had my share of Clooney-encrusted dreams featuring an outlandish wedding at our palatial Lake Como estate and a garage full of cars named for dead matadors, but those expectations have been trimmed back a bit. Now I'd settle for a timeshare in Gatlinburg and my own box of Triscuits.

That said, I just spent an embarrassing amount of time Nancy Drewing the online dating sites--match.com and eHarmony--nosing around, scoping it out, and wondering how there were 32 pages of eligible men in my zip code.

Full Disclosure: I've always kicked it Enid-style by dating men who were older than me because I like obscure 1960s bands and also brittle bones. For this little experiment, I kept the age range between 25-45, safely under the speed limit for the conditions. 'Cause if you're 50 and still debating whether to add 'thunderstorms' or 'fiber supplements' to your list of turn-ons, I'm not sure I want you playing Captain to my Tennille.

The first two pics I clicked were guys I've seen at the Y. They were immediately discounted, one because he has a lazy eye and the other because he sweats profusely. I checked another profile, a dude whose relationship status was listed as "recently separated". Very recently, apparently, since all of his pictures featured her sweater-covered shoulder or her disembodied arm snaking around his waist. Sigh Redux.

After twenty minutes, I got restless and started eliminating potential exes for the most subjective of reasons like:

--Anyone Whose Screen Name Included the Numbers 420, 69, or Any Other Digits Frequently Featured on Posters From Spencer Gifts. My apologies, GoodDad666, because while your name was definitely the most disturbing on a number of levels, I'm not interested in raising your Beezelbabies.

--Any Form of "Dad", "Daddy", or "Pop Pop": If you ticked the "I have children" box, I carefully selected "close window".

--Men Named Slowgrinder, Pupettmaster, and Angeltamer: Self-explanatory, although I did want to message the latter to inquire whether his profession involved a chair, a whip, and a top hat.

--Anyone With Misspelled Words In Their Profile: You again, Pupettmaster. I was intrigued by your pecs and your "protien diet" and sincerely regret that we won't be able to share "frozin yogart", cause that's my favorite too. I'm sorry. Your abs said Abercrombie but your spelling screamed Sylvan Learning Center.

Coming in a close second was the gentleman who said "Im a deep talker and thinker so if this interest you more hollar back" Right. Don't hollar at me, I'll hollar at you.

--Any Occupation Involving the Words "Groomer", "Pest", or Sounded Made Up: I know what "Freelancer" means, matrixfan. It means you have a B.A, a Monster.com profile, and a weekly unemployment check. I've been 'freelancing' for a year. I'm also calling shenanigans on the 'Upholstery Engineer' who just as easily could have written "Stanley Steemer".

--Miscellaneous Things That Will Prevent You From Ever, Um, Embedding My Widget: Starring The Guy who said the last thing he read was "the menu at Cracker Barrel"; Featuring The President of a Non-Profit whose default picture was him wearing a fanny pack and standing in front of the White House and Very Special Guests Anyone who prominently listed their income as "Over $150,000" because you're obviously liars.

It took almost an hour, but I managed to disqualify everyone. I don't expect that Pupettmaster is dripping tears into his protien shayke or anything, because I can only imagine how many problems he would have with my profile, assuming someone could read it to him.

See, I'm admittedly NOT a Nancy Drew. At best, I'm some ungodly hybrid of her undateable best friends, probably the gangly one who always ended up unconscious under an overturned jalopy. My default photo makes me look like I'm missing a handful of chromosomes, and my likes (disappointing others, bread, my own face) and dislikes (parasites, spinal injuries, recycling) will probably only add additional chapters to The Mystery of the Moss Covered Mommyparts.

I honestly almost orphaned the eHarmony questionaire because it was triple the size of my attention span and chock full of queries like "On a scale from 1-7, how important is your match's endocrine system?" But I powered through and as a reward, eHarmony called me a bitch.

I can't say that this was the best way to spend my evening, not when that bag of gummy worms isn't going to eat itself. I didn't wink, poke, message or otherwise contact anyone. Now I just hope I can find that guy with the kittens.

* I'll only have one 29. I refuse to be one of those women who smiles and insists she's "29" while she's picking up prescriptions for her glaucoma.
** Quizno's: Mmmmm! Intestinal Distress!

52 comments:

Mjones said...

the only guys who like me touch themselves on the subway. Go figure.

Dexter Colt said...

I did a stint on match.com before I realized that people are F-ing crazy. No thanks. I'll continue to make grilled cheese for one...

ashley said...

This post is hysterical!

Dating sites can be crazy! The worst part for me is watching a guy participate on one. This particular guy racked the women up on pages (10 pages!) and scanned all of the women as if the more hot profiles he could get to want him, the better of a person he was. I'm telling you they can be crazy!

JHC said...

I'm sorry.

Mike said...

Not to be condescending, but are you sure you're not being picky? I mean, you're not going to end up with Conan O'Brien, but we can dream, can't we? Did I just miss the point of my own point? Nevermind. And yet, I post it...weird.

MizFit said...

again, you kill me.

nancy drew? one 29th?

comedy gold.

MizFit

MizFit said...

ooooh and did you watch Real Housewives O'Bev Hills?

it pay$ to be picky (*wink*)

M.

J-Money said...

mjones: Ew. That's all.

dexter: Your grilled cheese would be a perfect match for my tomato soup. Discuss.

ashley: Thank God no one saw me taking notes and sobbing.

jhc: No, I'm sorry.

mike: Yes, I am being picky. Because I don't like Conan O'Brien. He was eliminated with the other redheads.

mizfit: I didn't watch, but I may subscribe to their newsletter.

A Lover and a Fighter said...

Do you like the sour gummy worms? Those are just my darned favorites.

RazZDoodle said...

So, basicaly I can forget it since I recently "seperated" and I just got a job as a freelance philosipher. Plus the fact that that's my daughter in my profile. *sigh*

Sincerly,
RazZDoodle420

Kaeti said...

I suck balls at filling out those damn profile questions (e.g., Q: What do you spend a lot of time thinking about? A: Richard Dreyfus), so I'm having a somewhat-trusted friend do it for me. And correspond with all the SWAT4LIFE69-types for me. You should try it. It takes all the hassle out of online dating because you don't actually have to do anything, but still get the joy of making fun of the fiesty Christ-ies.

dmbmeg said...

You, me, mjones, and Lover & a Fighter need to enter an open-hetero 4-way relationship.

What do you say, ladies?

Are You Willing to Change? said...

So funny! Dating sites can be hilarious...Some of the people are just crazy.

But I know quite a few people who've met their husbands or wives on one of them. Which is very cool!

TNT Jimmy said...

Oh my god I'm perfect for you - I run (not as fast as you though), I have a job, no exta limbs or anything, am older by a few years, just one small, minor snag...I'm in a relationship. Deng! Hang in there, he/she is out there. If you ever come to NYC come run with my team, we'd love to have you. And you never know, you might Mr/Mrs Right while running around one of the parks with us.

Did I mention your blog is HILARIOUS?

Meghan said...

LOVED this post. And dating sites make me sad. To add to the list of guys to scratch off
-guys with pics of monster trucks (complex)
-1 pic. 2 + friends, one hot, others not so much.It's the dating lottery!

A Lover and a Fighter said...

I'm for it, Meggles. You know how I roll.

J-Money said...

a lover...: That very flavor is resting peacefully in mah belly.

razzdoodle: No, that comment just placed you at the top of the list. Plz send pixx!

kaeti: Q: What do you spend a lot of time thinking about? A: Richard Dreyfus I love you.

dmbmeg: I'm packing my gummy worms and teddy grahams as we speak.

are you willing...: That's what the commercials say. Are your friends on a commercial yet?

tntjimmy: Call me.
And maybe I'll see your team when I move in with dmbmeg & crew.

meghan: How could I forget the monster truckers?

mindy said...

Awesome. I, too, have had my fair share of problems with Internet Dating...but do I quit? No. No, I persevere past the point that any sane woman would.

In case you are curious for what e-harmony said about me (why wouldn't you be?!): http://mindydoesmpls.blogspot.com/2006/01/emotional-stability-all-its-cracked-up.html

Basically that site just wants to tear you down so you'll settle for the dipsticks they say match you. That's my theory.

dmbmeg said...

Mindy is here too! 5-some!

surviving myself said...

There really was nothing wrong with the box o kittens guy.

You just think you're so special. But i'm glad you came to your senses.

I'll let him know you're interested. Sometimes we hang out and talk about what the stains on his pants look like. "Oh! That looks like Erik Estrada!"

mindy said...

Game on, dmbmeg! I can't believe you & L&F hid J-money's blog from me for so long!

Andrew said...

i found love for a while. It ended, it happens again. I am certain life is like a sin wave, with crests and troughs.

just dont forget it is tough for everyone, pictures can lie, and the person you are talking to online may not be the same person (personality wise) as the person in person... person.

Mickey said...

At least Kitten Guy isn't putting up a front. That shit on his pants is real, just like him. Plus he's an entrepreneur.

Orioles Insider said...

You might be the funniest and most articulate woman on Match.com. "I love to laugh" and "partner in crime" have become pet peeves of mine. Perhaps... well... I guess a man can dream. I'm quite sure Slappytown is nowhere near Chicago.

Kayleigh said...

Or maybe kitten guy has a friend? It's all about networking, Ms. Money.

Or perchance you could use his kittens as Pigpen's personal chew toys so your furniture, hands, and face take a break from getting mawed on.

Joy @ Big Time Fancy said...

Did it call you a bitch or did it say "Sorry, we can't match you up with anyone BECAUSE you are a bitch."?

Because some people get a response that pretty much says, "Of all the lonely people on this site, no one is lonely enough to want to be with YOUR ass."

B2G said...

I can't really even be friends with people who can't spell/speak correctly, let alone spend more than 2 seconds on their dating profile.

JHC said...

If you want a fake date buddy - I'm your guy. I have internet, no job, and I'm readily available. I like muffins, the Red Sox, and terrible movies. I'm older than you, my eyes both face forward, and I already think you're the cat's pajamas. I don't sleep, so it's never a bad time to call. I'm not a deep thinker, at all. Not because I'm stupid, but because I just don't care. It's not ideal, since I live halfway across the country... wait, that's probably a bonus. You'll never have to meet me, ever. Oh, and if you don't want to talk on the phone, that's OK too, because I don't like to talk on the phone. I suppose I should tell you right now that I have a bit of a problem with that. I guess I'm really curt on the phone and I frequently leave conversations inappropriately. Like I'll just say, "OKgottagobye". It's not my intention to be rude. And another thing, a friend recently called me from a funeral and I answered the phone and said "I'm busy. Road House is on" and I wasn't kidding. There was no malice intended, I just really like that movie. Alright. So that's everything. Let me know what you think? But don't call me because I don't want to talk to you. Not you, but just on the phone. Maybe we should just stick to Twitter? Or IM?
Bye!

JHC said...

I drink.

OI said...

I just went through your blog and now I'm convinced Slappytown is nowhere near Chicago. But... it is near my hometown... yes... I grew up in... drum roll, please...

Kernersville.

Don't hate.

the frog princess said...

I think I was way too proud of myself for catching the "Ghost World" reference.

And if Puppetmaster had been to Sylvan, he would have known how to spell "frozen"... (yogurt's a toughie... don't want our expectations to be too high.. :) )

Felicia said...

Ooh, I need to fill out that eHarmony questionaire. I've trolled around Match with a fake profile before and decided it wasn't a good idea when I saw a handful of people I knew personally and the rest looked like they were carrying an extra chromosome around.

J-Money said...

mindy: They haven't even found any dipsticks for me. I'm still sifting through the sub-dipsticks.

surviving: Thanks for putting in the good word. Next, I'll try to wrangle a 20% kitten discount.

andrew: You are the type of nice, insightful guy who never likes me.

mickey: You know, I never looked at it that way. He's practically the next Apprentice.

orioles: K-Vegas Represent! It's totally a shame that we can't hang out, argue about the AL East, and then allow me to completely alienate you by the end of dinner.

kayleigh: I knew kittens served a purpose!

joy: Option B. They gave me option B.

b2g: Cheers to that.

jhc: The fact that you like the Red Sox balances out everything else. I'm baking you some muffins as we speak. Twit me anytime.

frog princess: I'm glad someone got it. And I even would've accepted the alternate 'yoghurt' spelling...

felicia: Some of the ones I looked at may have swapped chromosomes with some of the ones you scoped. "Trade you my two 14s for one of your 21s".

tmamone said...

The first time I tried eHarmony, they said I didn't fit any of their personality categories or something like that.

How do you like that? Rejected by eHarmony 'cause I was way too much of an individual.

Hot Librarian said...

Man, I hate Kernersville.

[ed. note: after laughing so hard I cried AND wetting myself while reading this post, I feel my chosen response is elegant in its simplicity.]

chia said...

I can't remember if it was my mother or my grandmother that told me a few years ago that I was too shallow when I said I wouldn't date men with children.

"Oh really, why?" I asked.

"You might not have to make him another if he already has some. Think of your waistline."

OK, let's play another game of "Who's Shallow Now?"

Deutlich said...

woah - those were some seriously creepy screen names..

also, I'm still waaay too freaked out by the idea of even perusing eharmony or match.com

pretty sure i'd end up with a serial killer.

Jack said...

Holy crap, I am laughing and crying. This is hilarious.

Consider me subscribed.

J-Money said...

tmamone: I'd actually consider that a compliment.

hot librarian: Much like the Mag Room's flank steak salad.

chia: Your grandmother sounds sassy. Sign her up for eHarmony.

deutlich: Those are easy to find. They have screennames like "srlkiller" or, more likely, "cerealkllr".

jack: Hopefully there was more laughing than crying. Otherwise I'm sorry. And hi!

Dexter Colt said...

Wait? Tomato soup compliments grilled cheese?! I'll be damned. I know have an idea for a romantic, two-course dinner. Thank you J-money!

poodlegoose said...

Bah! I have no words... I'm still stuck at moss covered mommyparts. That's hilarious.

Oh, and I'm sorry you weren't more successful... but with a group out there like that, would you really want to be?

Maxie said...

I totally got rejected by eharmony. yep, I'm one of those people.

MsPuddin said...

Aw you had me at sh*t in your pants...

Laura said...

I haven't tried eHarmony or Match.com yet, but now I'm a little scared. I checked out the craigslist personals a few times, and actually went on three real dates (after screening zillions of ads). All dates were nice, and some even had repeat dates, but eventually I just didn't have chemistry with the guys. Meeting in person from the beginning is so much easier from a chemistry perspective, but I do like that I screen for the things you mentioned when meeting someone online. What's a girl to do...

Helen Shearer said...

I hear ya, sister! I wrote a piece about online dating for a competition last year and gave it a go, for research purposes of course. Met quite a selection of toothless wonders, I did. I posted a little something called 'SWM seeks...' about one of them if you want to have a look. You might recognize him.

Alya said...

We're all in this together. I'm 24 and I am bored to death of family members drilling me about "finding the right person yet".

Or as pupettmaster would say "Giv me a brake! i'm stil two yongue!"

Digital Fortress said...

Just came across your blog. That post definitely was among the top five things I've read on blogs in a long while. Thanks for the great read and good luck on finding that the gentleman selling kittens is still available.

Birdwatching From Mars said...

sigh...if only i were single.

i mean, i sell cats too, but I'm sure you can look past that eventually...

Hollywood Sucker said...

Oof.

But can't you take comfort in knowing that you're better than those people you disqualified? You're better than lots of people, including Dr. Phil.

Craig said...

If it makes you feel any better, the Yostess would like to remind you that it only takes one.

Anesha said...

Hi Nice Blog . Whether you are human endocrine system , cramming for an exam, or just have a curiosity to find out more about what makes you tick, WinkingSkull is an amazing.

Blogger said...

Searching for the Best Dating Site? Join and find your perfect match.