Monday, March 03, 2008

Workout Summary #3

Time Spent Running: 2 hours, 9 minutes, 13 seconds
Miles Run: 16
Pace Per Mile: 8:04
Snickers Bars Consumed: 1
Times Your Arch Nemesis Passed You: 1
Why Were You So Much Slower This Week?: Because running effing hurts, Douchebucket.
Show Me On the Doll Where It Hurts: [places entire doll in mouth]
Will You Please Stop Crying?: Maybe. After I finish this box of Oreo Cakesters.
Please Don't Get Cakester On the Doll: Mffmmrfph.

Last week, I watched my future first husband Simon Cowell on Regis & Kelly* (don't hate, yo) and he made a comment about how people genuinely don't like it when other people succeed and how their friends' fabulous lives actually make them unhappy. The vajority of the crowd clucked their disappointment, but I'd be willing to bet that any one of them would cut a bitch for this season's Liz Claiborne separates.

I totally agreed with Si-Co, after temporarily suspending my disbelief that a dude who cleared $45 mill last year would knot his Calvins if his neighbor has nicer topiary. But for me (Total 2007 Earnings: $801, not counting the Applebee's gift card) it's so true. Ignoring financial or relationship successes, I get stabby when I see people at the grocery store who can afford to buy what they want and don't have to fill their cart with battered cans from the Botulism Bin.

The same goes for running. At races, I automatically despise any girls who break the tape before me, even though I've only been running since I graduated from college and needed a new hobby that didn't involve blackouts, petty theft, or hooking up with boys of questionable sexuality.** So I laced up some sneakers and from the first time those Pumas kissed the pavement, I thought I was supposed to be Uta Pippig without the half-baked asserole splashing out of my shorts.

Enter yesterday's sub-prime 16 miler. I'd struggled more than usual, maybe because the temperature was global-warmily above av, because my knees had been grinding themselves into a fine powder with every step, and/or because Food Lion's limp grey Markdown Meats aren't the optimal pre-run meal. So I reach my eight mile turnaround point and I'm standing there sobbing and shoving a Snickers bar into my gob, when my Arch Nemesis comes prancing by, shiny ponytail bobbing behind her like a loyal pet.

My Arch Nemesis is the girl who always beats me, who always has beaten me, and who will continue to do so unless she is sucked into the pit of Sarlaac during the next Miles for Smiles 10K.*** After every race, I stand there in a damp gymnasium baring my teeth at her between bites of bagel and wondering why I'm eternally her runner-up, the Oates to her Hall, the Nash to her Crosby, Stills, and Young, the Kirkland Signature to her brand name products.

Not only is she a scholarship athlete, she's successful, attractive, and a genuinely nice person which makes it so much worse. A typical day for her involves volunteering at the Rescue Mission, donating her kidneys again, personally testing toys for lead-based paint, and hand-carving prosthetic limbs to give to armless children so they can hold hands while she sings songs that she's written about Jesus and kindness. Meanwhile, I rip the coupons out of my neighbor's paper, frequently double park, and laugh when I see old people fall on the ice. Karma (x5) chameleon, I guess.

There was one race when I thought I'd managed to outrun her. I'd passed every mile marker without staring at her back and I was sure that this was it, my win, my first-time first-place. But no, actually she was just so fucking far ahead of me that by the time I fell across the finish line, she had already accepted her medal and was happily handing out handfuls of her bone marrow.

Back to yesterday when I was standing there with nougat-caked teeth, watching her wave as she danced past. Making it worse, I was dressed like Hangin' Tough-era Jordan Knight, what with my vest/no shirt ensemble. WAIT, LET ME EXPLAIN. I like to run in a vest so I can cram the pockets full of necessities like my iPod and inhaler, car keys and condoms and all that but it was so Marchtastically warm, I stripped down to a sports bra, peeling my tee off and leaving it in the bait shop...which doesn't make it sound any less canoe-trip-down-the-Cahulawassee-River creepy.

I finished my Snickers, stuffed the wrapper in my vest pocket, and dejectedly trotted back home, secure in the knowledge that Simon would probably hate her too.

* While I watched the show, I was Monster-dot-comming a job as a cemetery groundskeeper. I sincerely hope I get an interview, even though my only qualifications are a Scooby Doo box set and well-concealed surprise that it isn't actually spelled "Sematary".
** If he owns a velvet duvet cover and Beatrix Potter wallpaper, you're setting yourself up for disappointment.
*** Assuming the race is held on Tatooine next year and not in that neighborhood that smells like sawdust.


ie said...

This post cracked me up!
I'm not a runner, but I too always have someone finishing ahead of me.

Way to go; sports bra and vest! Haha.

notsojenny said...

when this new girl started at my office i decided i was going to hate her. young. gorgeous. smart. i mean knock-out gorgeous. she was on a billboard in town she's that hot. hot fiance. even a great runner (go figure). but what i hated most about her was that you couldn't hate her. so freakin nice and awesome. i still want to find a reason to hate her.

Daddy said...

The Associative Property of Crabs ensures you can always get back at her.

RazZDoodle said...

Very funny post, but, so help me God, if I get Hangin' Tough in my head, I will hunt you down.

dmbmeg said...

Just do what I do...focus on the 99% of girls you are better than :)

Joy @ Big Time Fancy said...

Jesus H. I hate your nemesis too.

Dexter Colt said...

Damn, you have some serious comic talent. Your Venn diagrams are aces. You're my new #1 feed...

And, I worked as a cemetery grounds-keeper for 2 years. Try shoveling dirt on some family's loved one in a respectable manner. I saw a lot of people cry.

Robbie said...

Everything is explained so much easier in Venn Diagrams.
If I had had a Venn Diagram as a biology teacher I'd be a a top surgeon now instead of an office monkey.

Have you ever considered tripping up your nemises?

Alya said...

We all have our issues honey, and jealousy sure is one of them!

If it makes u feel better, u can run circles around me, and I'll still be on my first lap huffin and puffin like a choochoo train.

MizFit said...

totally made me laugh as well.



inquiring minds and all:


In my life she'd have no clue....


Birdwatching From Mars said...

I love your little pie-graph-cart thingies. Also, try as you might, you'll never replace "douchecake". nice attempt with "douchebucket" though. Also, thanks for getting that effing song stuck in my head.

Here's one for per our Monster Squad discussion...(dances cheesily)..."Rokc until you drop! Dance until your heart stops!" Ah, Rudy,...the lamest cool guy ever.

J-Money said...

ie: Yes, the sports bra and vest. Suitable for job interviews, weddings, and runway strutting.

notsojenny: Face on a billboard? I'm not sure I could handle that and would probably be arrested for an incident involving a billboard fire.

daddy: Honestly, I have no idea what that means.

razzdoodle: ohhh ohhh ohh ohh ohhh

dmbmeg: I'm going to focus on all of the people that you are better than.

joy: Thank you for your continued support.

dexter: OK, I hadn't really gotten to the dirt shoveling part of this job fantasy. I was just happily tending to bunches of artificial flowers.

robbie: I've thought about it, but I have no way to get that close to her. Maybe if I ride a bike in my next race.

alya: Yes, I have more issues than the waiting room at PrimeCare.

mizfit: No, of course she has no idea...

J-Money said...

Birdwatching: I use "douche" as a prefix for almost any noun you can think of. Douchepockets. Douchequiche. Douchebreaker. These are the kinds of things that fill my day.

Also, I think we would be friends in real life.

Kaeti said...

I laughed when I saw an old person slip on ice the other day. I would feel bad about it, but they were probably a total douchenozzle and had it coming...

nancypearlwannabe said...

I love the Venn diagrams so much. So much.

Mickey said...

This was just great. You have to know that.

Just so you know, you are prettier than me, probably smarter than me, and 8:04 for 16 is something I aspire to. What I'm saying is you are at the center of my Venn diagram. That poor sucker that keeps finishing third behind you likely agrees.

Vanilla said...

Wow, she sounds really cool. Does she have a blog that I could read instead of this one?

J-Money said...

kaeti: Our continued amusement at the Ice Capades of the Elderly means that we'll both be spending our golden years with pelvises that shatter if we blink too hard. Oh, and people will laugh about it.

nancypearlwannabe: And I plan on running them into the ground on future posts, culminating with a Venn diagram showing my blog as the overlap between "helpful illustration" and "totally obnoxious excuse for poor narrative skills".

mickey: No, you are soooo much prettier.

vanilla: I just made the meanest face and pointed it in your general direction.

brookem said...

well, you have about 12 or 13 miles on me, so i dont think you're doing so bad!

Birdwatching From Mars said...

Douchepocket is kinda gross because it makes me think of a really bad microwavable treat. (see what I did there...harhar...Hotpocket...)

Also, yes we'd totally be friends in real life. Until either 1)I started asking to borrow money 2)I make a pass at you 3)I make a pass at you to attempt to steal money from your pocket 4)you learn about my bi-annual Monkey Sacrifices.

Katie said...

Hilarious! And just to make you feel better, I'm training for a half marathon (pretty new to this whole running thing), and currently I can only maintain a 10-min mile. You'd kick my ass any day!

Colette said...

Ooh, you're a runner? I used to run cross country in high school, but I stopped after graduation and have been kind of an athletic slacker since. After running on the beach in San Diego I swore I'd take up the sport again, but that lasted for about 1 week.

Hollywood Sucker said...

"please don't get cakester on the doll"

Oh man, you KILL me. Another great post. Loved the charts. I imagine you've already seen the blog Indexed, but just in case, here's the link:

survivingmyself said...

if there is a race on tatooine, can i come?

Hot Librarian said...

** should also mention sleigh beds.

J-Money said...

brookem: Well I--watermelon...mmmm.

birdwatching: Your monkey sacrifices will dovetail nicely with my annual burning pyre construction. We were meant to be.

katie: Best of luck in your 1st 1/2! Please keep me posted...

collette: Running is a disease. Or is it like bad medicine? Either way, sometimes it would be nice to shake it.

hollywood: Oooh, new bloggy! Actually hadn't seen that one, but now I'm hooked.

surviving: Yes. We'll car pool.

hot librarian: Oh yes. And butterfly stained glass doors and an original Warhol and a rampant F. Scott Fitzgerald obsession.

emily said...

** And handcrafted butterfly fixtures. I miss that house.

p.s. I've begun stalking your blog.

p.p.s. If I ran 16 8 minute miles, my lungs would spontaneously evacuate. (After which, you could tell your AN of my sad plight and she'd be moved to donate one of hers, solving your problem. Ta da.)

Felicia said...

So I know you love AI, and I can't post this on my own blog because one of my friends knows Luke Menard. SO...did he really just sing Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go??? Him and his David Beckham singing voice need to go-go. I know, that was a stupid joke.

Reluctant Runner said...

J-Money, if it's any consolation, I hate you for running so much faster and blogging so much funnier than me. Or I would hate you if your blog didn't make me laugh so much. Thanks!

jiminycricket said...

J-Money, I've been without internet for days now and i come back and there's five awesome posts from you... So rad.
I had a running nemesis in school too. He was in the year above me, but was the same age as me so had competed with all us kids in the year below him (which I figure is cheating anyways)
I find out now that he's living in some Shitsville with his partner, has bad symbolic tattoos and is an aspiring dancer.

Karma will pay you back shortly J Money.

J-Money said...

emily: Actually, my blog is stalking you. Hi!

felicia: He DID sound Beckified! Of course, David Beckham sounds like the Geico lizard. Also- I love Danny Noriega and his piss poor attitude. For real.

reluctant runner: But you are so much prettier and more awesome than me!

jiminy: Welcome back to the internets! We missed you! Also, I hope that "karma will pay you back" line wasn't a threat... :)

Texas Gal said...

You and your Venn diagrams make me so happy. And by "happy" I mean "make me laugh for 10 minutes".

The Alleged Ringleader said...

HAHAHA I love your diagrams and this post was great!

mindy said...

I have been trying to figure out where I can store my condoms on my person while I run. Now I know I need a vest. A VEST! So simple.

Thank you.

MCBias said...

I know exactly what you mean about a sports archrival--for me, it was the guy 2 inches taller and one year older than me in basketball, that I could never quite beat. Hate that guy! haha.

CLARE. said...

Venn Diagrams make everything funnier.

The Clandestine Samurai said...

Man, I'm like...reading all your posts. You are a genius writer. You should definitely put a book together, I'd buy.

Yes, it's true that people hate others who do much better then them. There's a woman at my job who work ethic and attitude is on par only with SpongeBob Squarepants.

She's a salesperson, eagle-eyed pursuing every customer, completely rude and ignorant when addressing other employees. But she sells, hundred and thousands of dollars worth of merchandise every day. I rack my brains trying to figure out how she does it.

The Clandestine Samurai said...

But sometimes I just focus on wishing that the stuff her customers buy just spontaneously catch fire when taken out of the shopping bags.