Monday, April 28, 2008

Class of '08

My sister Runtie was here today and after spending four hours with Movies On Demand*, we had to tear ourselves away from the teevee long enough to get something to eat. We were both unshowered and surly so we settled on Whole Foods, where we'd not only fit in but may be offered part-time employment in the Quorn department.

We hurried off to the salad bar where I smothered a single shred of lettuce beneath an avalanche of tortilla chips the same size and sticker price of a new Kia. I was debating how many scoops of cheese I could pile on top without it sealing off my poop chute like the portal to the underworld when I became aware of someone standing behind me, staring at the back of my head.

My Spidey sense tingled before he opened his mouth.

"Hey, could you hurry it up a bit?," he said and I so wanted to spin around and spit out a witty, blogtastic retort but I'd just shoved a fistful of olives into my mouth. I narrowed my eyes, cartoon villain style, and glanced over my shoulder.

He was smiling, showcasing his perfect tooth-to-gum ratio. "Seriously, all the cheese tastes the same. I suggest the yellow one".

He grinned again, as I suavely spilled a spoonful of shredded cheddar onto my sneakers. Of course it was my Gym Crush and OF COURSE I would see him while I was wearing sweatpants--the kind that sag enough to make it look like my ass is sliding off--and a pullover that had been decorated with a thin layer of dog hair.

I was faced with the choice of either swallowing a mouthful of olive pits or spitting them into my hand before I could speak to him, this guy I've stared at for three months, alternately picturing him naked during his lat pulldowns and being relieved that he's not, since that machine is rarely cleaned. He waited for me to say something as I surrendered the pits to peristalsis, choking them down while making a delightful expression that Runtie later described as looking like I was shitting out a box of pencils.

"Hey!" I said, because I am a master at communication. "How's it going?" Yeah. I rule.

"Oh man. I've had a hell of a week today." He sighed for effect, shifting his six-pack of Saranac to the other hand. My powers of deductive reasoning told me that either he's cracked open some kind of space/time continuum and will be loading a flat of artesian water into his Delorean or he's had a bad day.

"Have you had a bad day?" I asked, wondering why my side of the conversation always sounds like it was written for Ramona Quimby.

"Yeah. I have two papers due before Wednesday and I haven't started either of them yet".

"Papers?" I asked, hopinghopingHOPING that this meant that he was the editor of a regional newsweekly and not that he was working on, like, a book report. The seasonal brew meant that he had to be at least 21 and that meant that he was quite possibly STILL IN COLLEGE and that can't b--

"Yeah, for my major".


" is your major?"

"Philosophy," he said, which will remain the only selection more worthless than my theatre degree until the school offers graduate studies in Swiffering. I had no idea that he was that young. He'd made a Zwan joke during our first conversation so I automatically assumed he was close to my age and quite possibly a virgin. I wasn't even hot for college guys when I was in college. I've always been one for graying temples and glucosamine. While my middle school friends endlessly debated whether they'd rather mash faces with Zack Morris or A.C. Slater, I thought about banging Mr. Belding. True story.

He exchanged pleasantries with Runtie while I wondered if he'd rather have my number or some quarters for his laundry. I was rummaging through my purse when he turned my way and said "You know, I thought about you the other day."

"Oh reaaaally?", I said in a tone that I aimed at "coquettish" but may have landed somewhere around "confused".

"Yeah, my roommate and I just watched a movie called Blood Gnome."

I waited.

"Remember? You told me how much you dug B-movies and this one is sweet. But yeah, it reminded me of you. There were vaginas with teeth."

OK. First, the positives: He remembered a conversation we had! Sometimes he thinks of me! And the negatives: These thoughts are triggered by VAGINAS WITH TEETH. Read that again.

"Um...I'll have to check that out. See you!" Abruptly ending the conversation and racing toward the cash register seemed like a better option than a discussion of the dental status of my vajay. Yes, it's toothless, but at this point in my Gobi-like social life I can't rule out bats.

Leaving Blood Gnome behind us, Runtie and I took our cheese and chip salads to a table.

"He's younger than me!", she began, "And I'm, like, 2 Olympics younger than you!"

"Yeah, but he's hot in a written-by-Francine Pascal kind of way. And probably smart! He's a Philosophy major."

"A Philosophy major? That doesn't mean he's smart. It means he's unemployed."

"Great, we could be a no-income family. If I make a move soon, maybe he'll invite me to his graduation".

"That would be nice," she said between mouthfuls. "Would you give him a card with some money in it?". Runtie laughed, spewing tortilla crumbs all over the table.

Sigh. I wonder where Mr. Belding is now...

*We watched Jackass 2.5 and One Missed Call, which may have been the worst use of $8 in history. We both wished that the demon child would've called us before we watched Bam Margera fly a kite out of his ass.


Perfectly Shelly said...

I've re-read your post 3 times now, laughing inappropriately hard since I'm at work, and TRYING to think of some witty comment. One that would make you think....."hmmmm, she's funny....she's someone I'd like to hang out with"...and I've got NOTHING. Nothing.

I do have a question, though.....when you said "Hey...How's it goin'"...did you say it in a falsetto of one who's caught off guard and totally freaked out?

I thought so.

Nate said...

As a religion major and philosophy minor, I can attest that he's definitely going to be unemployed for QUITE SOME TIME. Is he a Deac? If so, next time you run into him, ask him how many of Dr. Lewis' classes he's taken. If the answer is less than 2, he's a loser and you should forget all about him.

Kaeti said...

The tags for Blood Gnome on Amazon are "erotic" and "monsters." Which, coincidentally, is how I've always referred to my lady parts. Go figure.

christina said...

i love that runtie measures time in olympics. for funny as this is, i was really distracted by the face that there are chips in the salad bar at your whole foods' deli. aw! lucky. the only thing that crunches in mine is the edamame. i used to think that was enough ...

Pare said...

Ramona Quimby. Pricelss.

The Dutchess of Kickball said...

Hey, you never know, he might be a late bloomer, I know a few people who went back to college and are now in their late 20's early 30's. I'm trying to keep the positive here for you.

Ben said...

I say go for it. You can be the sassy older lady who makes something of a younger man whilst smoking slim cigarettes through one of those cig holder things from Ms. Scarlet on the Clue box.

Also, may I draw your attention to the fact that the word verification is: poooif.

My Life My Life My Life said...

People think of vaginas with teeth...annnnnnd think of you....dude...I so feel so much better!

OI said...

Listen... I'm your destiny. Just embrace it.

Kayleigh said...

Vaginal teeth? I would have run away, too.

However I am most intrigued....could be fun to *have fun* with a younger man, right?

(nudges you repeatedly)


Great Ramona + Zwan reference, by the way. I almost peed in my chair.

Katelin said...

Okay I seriously laughed out loud and almost spat water out my nose. Vaginas with teeth? Oy. You gotta admit that's funny though.

nancypearlwannabe said...

I had a Ramona Quimby moment recently too, only I was more like a semi-retarded Beezus.

But hey, you could be this guys Mrs. Robinson. That's kind of hot, no?

Laura said...

I don't even UNDERSTAND the concept of a vagina with teeth. And I don't really want to watch the movie to find out.

Nice Sweet Valley reference, by the way.

Felicia said...

I'm usually into older guys too, but found myself recently saying "Dang that guy's hot!" while watching a teen reality show. I gross myself out.

J-Money said...

perfectly shelly: First, my voice totally cracked like nuthugger-era Peter Brady. Next, we can totally hang out because you're awesome.

nate: He is a Deac and I will absolutely be inquiring about his Lewis level.

kaeti: You too?

christina: I will mail you a bag of the tortilla chips, as they are not to be missed. They're thick and greasy like an Aztec taco salad shell.

pare: Look for a followup "baggie full of wasted toothpaste" reference in the coming weeks.

dutchess: I like you so much.

ben: Does that mean I'll, um, do it in the conservatory with a rope? Note to self: Build conservatory.

my life: That's me. Making people feel better by comparison since 1979.

oi: Are you out of college? If so, please call me.

kayleigh: I am interested in your ideas and would like to subscribe to your newsletter.

katelin: It IS funny and for some reason I'm less offended than if he'd thought of me after watching a Jodie Foster movie.

nancypearlwannabe: YES! I could be Miz Robinson. I'm arranging an artistic camera shot of my stockinged leg right now.

laura: What does it say about me that I'm thinking of Netflixing it?

felicia: You shouldn't be weirded out unless you get turned on during episodes of Meerkat Manor.

Your Ill-fitting Overcoat said...

oh my godddd this post made me laugh so hard. and i desperately wish that whole foods had an actual quorn department because i love that shit.

nat said...

Ha ha. I coughed so hard as I was swallowing my laughing at work. Work emails are not that entertaining. :) Vagina with teeth hey. Hmm, I probably would of stayed and talked longer about that.

Dexter Colt said...

I work in a college (and go to the college gym) so pretty much EVERY girl I see on a daily basis is a student. In fact, I'm pretty sure they all are...

Kind of depressing. I can handle being the old guy in the club, but not being the old guy in the gym.

Vaginal that what the kids are into these days? I just can't relate.

Alice said...

You are hysterical! I popped out a few tears of laughter reading about the olives.

L said...

I heart Beverly Cleary...mwahahaha!

J-Money said...

my ill-fitting overcoat: For real? I've never tried it. Because I fear Quorn.

nat: While I was admittedly curious, I really think I know everything I want to know about vag-a-dent. Look at me, making up science words.

dexter: Please visit my gym where, unless you pre-date the Paleolithic Era, you won't even be in the top 25 oldest members.

alice: I popped out a few tears swallowing them...

l: ME TOO.

d said...

i'm headed to my sister's graduation from college next weekend (yes, j-money, he's younger than my YOUNGEST SISTER SHAME) and i'm a little worried about my behavior (or the behavior of my eyes, more specifically) while i'm there.

see how i did that? shaming you in the middle of shaming myself?

Kristen said...

Vagina with teeth?

That's rough.

mindy said...

Maybe he's a late bloomer and he's actually 28 and finishing up his bachelors? Because maybe he spent 5 years after college living in Africa and saving orphans from tigers or something?

Or he's getting a masters?

OR, he's still a child.

Allie-gator said...

You are hysterical!! I think you could support BOTH you and Vajayjay boy if you get into writting comedies! Or just do stand up! You have great material to start with!

I say give him a second chance. As long as he doesn't start talking about penis' with nails I think y'all will be able to work it out! Good luck!

Beverly said...

Seriously, you NEED a boytoy to add to your collection of stories. Plus, you get to get laid a lot.

silver said...

HA, loved your reference to Meerkat manor. Can't say that i've gotten turned on but...i might have cried while recounting the story of a lost pup to a friend when she called from the DR to see how it ended. No word on who is for crying or her for calling from the outside world cause she had to know.

Random Esquire said...

*laugh* As someone with a philosophy major, I'm pleased to say that we don't all end up poor. Of course, it was a very real possibility before law school. :P

I can't remember what twisted path I traveled to find your blog but I like it.


Alya said...

Mr. Belding!!!

Troy said...

I wasn't even hot for college guys when I was in college.
That's not entirely true.

J-Money said...

troy: You're right. But if you own(ed) suspenders, I don't put you in the "college guy" category.

Kirsty said...

"Hot in a Francine Pascal way"
Damn those crooked grins and coffee coloured eyes.
Brill post :)

Mickey said...

I'm glad I decided to tune in here for a little reading before I leave for work. Good way to start the day.

Also, I seem to recall a friend that actually got hit on by Mr. Belding in a bar. He was apparently a dick and drunk, but then isn't everyone in a bar? I forgive him.

yoritomo said...

About Dr. Lewis...

When i first took classes at wake i thought he was amazing. He was enthusiastic, obviously intelligent, and angry all the fucking time. However, in the last week of my junior year (the second class i took with him btw nate) he dismissed the brain in a vat theory with his usual condescending observation of it as "not aligning with common sense (literally said: "I feel the world with my hands, don't you?")."
Like most of the theories he espouses engendered by his dogmatic christianity, this is bullshit. We argued until around 3 hours later he cut me off mid retort and said "If I had known that teaching you what i did in intro would have led to this i wouldn't have done it."

We never spoke again; not even when we awkwardly saw each other in Macy's while we were BOTH looking for grownup pants.

Also, the technical term is vagina dentata, which i know because it's useless and that's the only kind of latin i can remember.

cassette45 said...

I just popped by after Ben demanded his readers do so. I still am laughing uncontrollably. THANKS!

Wegrit said...

What's awesome about this, is that I have a degree in Theatre and Philosophy and Religion that I have never used in its intended sense.