Wednesday, April 09, 2008

High Fructose

I was out of cereal, so this morning my choice was a bowl of Iams Low Residue Veterinary Formula or--the cheaper option--to leave my apartment for breakfast. I stuffed the empty box of the Fruity Pebbles spinoff, Bam Bam Berry Pebbles* into the trash recycling bin cleverly disguised as a Hefty Cinch-Sak and tried to control my craving for something that gave my mouth the same post-Pebbles greasy feel but without shredding my mouth to ribbons like Cap'n Crunch, whose sweetened corn treasure chests are filled with broken glass.

Yes, I still choose my cereal based on the cartoon characters on the front of the box, and yes, I'm including Special K's own Sela Ward in that category. Sorry, Sela. Lifetime Original Series or not, your face has the texture of Gladware. By now the major component of my blood is high fructose corn syrup and a disturbing percentage of my platelets have probably been replaced by fun marshmallow shapes. Here's hoping that Boo Berry has clotting ability.

I wanted cereal, but going to the grocery would require wearing pants. So I threw on my new Sawx hat--I finally had to replace my long-time companion because the bill had completely disintegrated and also it smelled like a dead squirrel--and headed to see my new boyfriend, the McSkillet Burrito.

For the bargain price of $2.99, McDonald's will give me a sausage AND potato AND cheese stuffed, tortilla-swaddled chunk of heaven, assuming that heaven could cause your aorta to explode. The McSkillet Burrito (from now on, the McSkiTo) is the size of an infant and, like a human baby, will most likely be with you for the next 18 years.

I pulled my car even with the illustrated menu (it's now bilingual! Me gusta
enfermedad del corazón!) and sent my order through the mic to Johnny 5 who either told me that my total was $3.18 or that my mother was a snowblower. I've never understood how the signal from my satellite radio--the word satellite implying that it's in outer space or Iowa or some other remote place you shouldn't go without special clothing--is crystal clear but I can't figure out what the fuck was just said on the other side of this speaker.

ANYWAY, I placed my credit card in the hand extending from the first window, because Visa is everywhere I want to be including this pre-dawn drive-thru, chipping away at my life expectancy. A woman wearing a nametag and a lifetime of regret pulled my card into the sausage-scented interior. She reappeared in the window, shaking my card at me like an Outkast lyric. "This card's been declined," she said.

This is a new low, in a lifetime of new lows.

"Hang on", I said, fumbling through my wallet, wondering if they'd accept a library card or a stamp commemorating the ring necked duck.

I literally had zero currency of any kind. An exploration of the ash tray yielded two pennies and a Tic-Tac. I flipped a floor mat and pulled my gym bag from the passenger seat. Nothing. I offered up a pair of Snapple bottles to Dreama--that was the name stickered unevenly on her tag--with the promises of an excellent redemption value. She shook her head, sighing deeply. "But there's trivia under the cap!" I pleaded. A car honked behind me.

After another cursory dig through the center console, I did what anyone in my situation would've done.

I drove off.

I can't be sure, but I think Dreama gave me the McFinger.

It's an OK option but not as good as the original Fruity P. Sorry, Post, but it's the cereal equivalent of Baywatch Nights.


Perfectly Shelly said...

Too much Boo Berry gives you green poo. REALLY GREEN. Not that I'd know from experience.....

Sonic Super Breakfast burrito is better than the Mcdonalds one...they use TATER TOTS and JALAPENO's in theirs.........

And I am SO glad to know there are others out there that have a bitch of a time w/ Cap'n Crunch. It tears my mouth up, and gives me the 'sugar shakes' after the high wears off.......hmm...wonder if crack does the same thing?

surviving myself said...

but what about Cap'n Crunch Peanut Butter?

It is sweet on your mouth and in your belly.

My Life My Life My Life said...

How is they cant hear your order but they can hear someone in the back seat commenting on the fact that can't hear??? Drives me up a wall....

d said...

that's a start to the day that just won't quit. and what kind of sick f*ck doesn't just hand over the breakfast burrito?

are you on twitter, btw?

Ben said...

Cap'n Crunch is S&M at its finest. doesn't respect the safety word.

Mickey said...

Ouch. Maybe the running store can start paying you in Fruity Pebbles, cut out the middle man.

Of all the things to have your card declined on. Cruel, cruel fates.

So did you head back home and crack open the Iams?

Vanilla said...

Nice hat.

J-Money said...

perfectly shelly: I'm ignoring the green poop for the moment and moving directly to Sonic and how this is something I might be interested in. Their menu always looks like something stoners do on a dare. "Let's stuff it with cheese! And put Fritos on it!"

surviving: Good point. Also Crunchberries are less painful. Not as peanut buttery though.

mylife x3: No kidding. I'm sure they heard me typing that I couldn't hear them too.

d: I am! Twit me!

ben: I like you so much.

mickey: This "pay me in Pebbles" idea has promise... Also I'm saving the Iams for dinner.

J-Money said...

vanilla: Thanks! It's too big for my fetus-sized head so I look like Fievel, but it still makes me happy.

nancypearlwannabe said...

The words "Bam Bam Berry Pebbles" just made my heart skip a beat. And not in a good way.

mindy said...

Good thing you were in the drive through! Could've been more awkward in the actual store.

Katelin said...

I freaking love cereal, basically to no end.

And the sausage mcmuffin with egg is pretty delectable as well, mmmmm.

Moxie said...

I love that someone else likes kiddie cereals. I'm a big fan of Lucky Charms--I save all the marshmallows for last so I can burst out the front door in a sugar blast.

Mjones said...

" Cap'n Crunch, whose sweetened corn treasure chests are filled with broken glass."

WORD LIFE! I would also include CoCo Puffs in this category.

dmbmeg said...

Jesus Christ. Doesn't McDonalds know who you are, J-Money?

the word satellite implying that it's in outer space or Iowa or some other remote place you shouldn't go without special clothing

Given that I went to school in Iowa, I might have gotten upset over this comment. Then I realized I am from I then realized MN isn't that much better than Iowa, so I am now confused on whether to take offense or not.

What I do know is I now want some McDonalds. And that cookie I just ate might have been a mistake.

dmbmeg said...

Coco Puffs are MINE. MINE I TELL YOU!

Also J-Money-
I'm gonna start asking people to "twit me" from now on and see what they do.

SA said...

J-please tell me this wasn't your first time driving away after not having enough money. If it was then I applaud you for lasting this long.

As someone with a stereotypical "black name," who the hell names their kid Dreama?

MizFit said...

(linked to you and sending all 3 of my readers your way. my techskillz sucketh. WTF is a pingback?)


MsPuddin said...

doesnt McDonalds have the best bacon,egg and cheese bagel? Oh! thats right, nevermind...

Man thats when you have to start using the pennies in the ashtray...


Rachel said...

I love cereal...It's definitely one of my favorite things! And hey, it's definitely better on your figure too, as well as, better for your health to not eat the McDonald's. :)

J-Money said...

nancy pearl: Don't worry. The palpitations stop after your first couple of bowls.

mindy: Good point. I would've had to have abandoned a tray and plastic silverware too.

kaitlin: Oh sure. Rub it in, Moneybags.

moxie: I like how you think.

mjones: Now I just want some Coco Puffs.

dmbmeg: I'm from West Virginia. Just so you know.

sa: Yes, McDonald's robbed me of my order-n-pay innocence for the first time yesterday. And yeah...Dreama's prolly not showing up on any baby name lists.

mizfit: Thank you!!! And I have no idea... I still haven't figured out torrents.

mspuddin: Are you taunting me? Because I'm shaking my tiny fist at you.

rachel: Thank you for pointing out the bright side. :)

RazZDoodle said...

I think Baywatch Nights was severely under-rated. Much like After M*A*S*H and Joey.

Allie-gator said...

I'm sorry, I couldn't help but laugh. I've totally been there.

You know McD's has jacked up just about every order I've made in the past 5 years.
If this ever happens to me again I plan on telling them "I planned this "decline" because YOU owe me like 10 burritos for YOUR F*ck hand 'em over!"

TNT Jim said...

Ok- please send amazon wish list. Box of cereal will be on the way- you the best J-Money. The best!

Reluctant Runner said...

Going to the grocery store requires pants?! That explains a lot.

Dexter Colt said...

I'll buy you a McSkiTo for the comical retelling of this story.

And, I'm all about the Cocoa Pebbles. The way it clings to both sides of the spoon [and probably my alimentary canal] is still a modern day miracle.

Your Ill-fitting Overcoat said...

Thankfully, my grocery store doesn't require that I wear pants.