Thursday, April 03, 2008

In Treatment, Part the Second

Start here if you missed the first part of this excrement-soaked adventure. Here's hoping that's the last time I'll ever have to write the phrase "excrement soaked".

Dr. Parker paused to watch me squirm as I wondered whether Pigpen had been whisked away to the giant Snausage in the sky. It was well after I realized that I was clenching both my tear ducts and my buttocks that she started speaking again, her words deliberately dripping out like Folgers through a filter.

"Oh, he's fine," she finally said as she rifled through a thick stack of paper that was either the Epic of Gilgamesh (unabridged) or my itemized bill. "Really."

"But what happened?" I asked, the Kenickie to her Danny Zuko. Tell me more, tell me more, tell me more.

"It was completely our fault. Well. Maybe not completely". She put a bit of emphasis on the wrong syllable.

I waited.

Finally her words began falling out out in paragraphs until she paused to ask if I was aware that Pigpen doesn't enjoy "quiet time". Obviously, she ranked me somewhere between Ralph Wiggum and a parakeet on the perceptiveness scale. OF COURSE I NOTICED. Seeing Pigpen calm down is about as likely as seeing Jesus purchase water skis. Or, um, seeing Jesus (without the aid of powerful hallucinogens).

I nodded my head, ready for her to skip the exposition and get to the actual point of where my dog was. Unless she wanted to play Carmen San Diego, hand me an almanac and watch as I researched which country would make me pay in drachma.

She continued. I'm paraphrasing but essentially Pigpen was a Menace 2 Society during his time in the clinic. She prescribed a special diet for him, a high fiber food that rings up at four bucks a can. She had already set aside ten cans for me to purchase, an illustrated Border Collie beaming at me from each label. Wherever my dog was, he was chock full of fiber and shitting out more money than Coinstar.

Or not. The first time Pigpen was served he refused to eat, choosing instead to bark at the bowl until someone gave in and took it away. For take two, they placed the food in front of him, waiting for him to bark. He didn't. Instead he picked it the dish up and threw it. Not with his hands, obviously, or he would've been drafted by the Dolphins. But he did manage to flip the bowl and, instead of eating what he spilled, he rolled around in it.

THEN he barked at the empty dish.

Pigpen was given a bath and moved to a different run, the theory being that if he had nicer digs, maybe he'd behave. They kitted out his new place with water and a dose of subcutaneous fluids, a medical term that means "thirty dollars". Unfortunately, my discerning pup wasn't impressed with their beverage selection so he picked up his new dish and slung it sidearm. Or sidemouth, whatevs. He watched with delight as it repeatedly clattered to the floor, no doubt wishing he could clap his hands or even raise the roof. Since he could do neither, he shat in his bed.

He was given another bath.

Unsurprisingly, the sound of the metal bowl repeatedly clanging on the ground started to irritate the other dogs. They all started barking in protest, a scenario that somehow reminded me of The View. Since Pigpen was dehydrated from all of the pooping, he couldn't be without water so they raided their supply closet and found a gigantic ceramic bowl, one reserved for Mastiffs or Great Danes or Michael Moore. The veterinary assistant filled it, placed it in Pig's crib, and was barely out of the room before she heard the crash.

Sigh. Yes, he somehow tossed that one in the air too. Unfortunately it didn't quite stick the landing, shattering into sharp pieces that scattered on the ground. The assistant checked on him with the quickness but he'd already walked on the broken glass and cut his feet, proving that despite looking like a fruit bat, Annie Lennox knows what she's talking about.

So that's why he was incarcerated for an extra night. When Dr. Parker finally wrapped up her monologue, she led Pigpen into the room. He was wearing bandages on his paws and one of those giant lampshade collars that look ridiculous but apparently serve a purpose, kind of like fanny packs or Steven Cojocaru.

That was last week. Since then he's healed enough to be unwrapped and out of the collar. There are three more cans of the high dollar chow. Pigpen still won't eat it but I've never been more regular.


Mike said...

Your dog is a hoot. For us. Also, why do I always imagine him speaking? What's more, it's always as Danny DeVito. I litterally imagine a tiny—though, not altogether smaller than the actual—Danny Devito, hunched over with his tongue lolling out.
Anywho, this p[ost has itched an itchy spot that can only be scratched by a JMoney brand back-scratcher.

MD said...

I hope you at least bitch slapped the vet for her Shatneresque dramatic speech!

RazZDoodle said...

So your dog is a diva. Kinda like J-Lo, but with more talent. HI-larious!

Mickey said...

Pigpen is in Greece! Except I think the drachma was replaced by the Euro in 2002. Yes, of course that was off the top of my head! Wikipedia? No, I'm not familiar with it.

I don't want a dog.

Kaeti said...

"Mastiffs or Great Danes or Michael Moore"

You know, I bet if Michael Moore ever mated with a Great Dane it would look something like Dakota Fanning.

Anyway, here's to Pigpen's speedy recovery.

Ashley said...

that is awesome. i mean, not for the vet techs who had to figure out how to take care of him.

glad he is ok :)

jiminycricket said...

I want your dog.
If he was a human I'd party with him. I love throwing bowls around with my teeth.

mindy said...

Pigpen sounds absolutely delightful! I wanted a boxer once. Then I found out how INSANE they are. I got a boston terrier instead.

I hope Piggy starts feeling better soon!

OI said...

Put a Donate thing on your site. I'll pay for a few cans.

surviving myself said...

Pigpen and Jack need to party together!

dmbmeg said...

OK I once had a dog that jumped on our kitchen counter and 1) chewed on knives (yes, actual knives) 2) ate an entire chocolate cake that I baked (isn't chocolate lethal to dogs?)

My point is, I'd like to see a rumble between Pigpen and that dog. I'm not sure who would win.

rs27 said...

I think we need a dramatic re-enactment. Lets get Wanda Sykes to play you, and Christopher Walken to play Pig Pen.

I really don't know why I chose Wanda Sykes, but she seems to fit here.

Allie said...

"Wherever my dog was, he was chock full of fiber and shitting out more money than Coinstar."
-BWHAHAH!!! Love it!

"Pigpen still won't eat it but I've never been more regular."
-Well I'm glad your hard earned money isn't going to wast but a little worried about your well-being after eating a weeks worth of dog food!

jen said...

Wow- epic doggie story! I'm so glad he's ok though. They seemed rather unprepared for a rowdy puppy- what's with that? I think Pigpen has taught them all a few good lessons. :)

Any chance "It was our fault" earned you a discounnt on your bill??

Perfectly Shelly said...

I hope your bill was 'on the house' since they ( as experienced veterinarians) couldn't wrangle ONE SWEET-FACED puppy---for heaven's sakes.......cut up his tender paws.....poor baby he didn't FEEL good and they give him subcutaneous fluids, and he missed his mama. He needed love and attention, not a posh apartment to destroy.

ie said...

"despite looking like a fruit bat, Annie Lennox knows what she's talking about"

I think I read that twice (once backwards) before I "got it" and burst out laughing. No getting me fired, ya hear?

Love it!

Are You Willing to Change? said...

I love it! A dog who shows how he feels and doesn't let the vet run all over him! Haha! So great!

nancypearlwannabe said...

Why do I picture Pigpen listening to House of Pain and barking out "Jump Around" during this time?

Laura said...

I checked Google Reader all day every day waiting for part 2, and of course you posted it when I went away and then had overpriced medical drama of my own.

Still, totally worth the wait!

My Life My Life My Life said...

Poor Pigpen!!! Being made to be amoungst the normal 'folks' tend to make diva's a tad upset. He just vanted to be left alone.... Hope he's better.

Please Don't Eat With Your Mouth Open said...

I never understood the dog lampshade things. They hate them, we hate them...where's the point?

Also, you said fanny pack. Hehehehe. Everytime someone says that, I have to point it out. Because over here, fanny is your front bum, not your back bum. Bahahahahahahahahaha. Ok, I'm done.