Sunday, April 13, 2008

Roadkill

The longer I live in this pollen coated, sweet tea sippin', magnolia choked state, the more I think that Southern Hospitality is another popular but unproven myth that people stubbornly believe in, like natural blondes, perfect credit scores, and Jamie Lee Curtis' peen.

Tonight I did my last pre-Boston Marathon (TM) long run, an easy 10 miler soundtracked by Shine a Light and one unending prayer to my patellar tendons to maybe not fray for another 8 days. I was about 20 minutes in and running down my least fave street when a sedan the size of a sperm whale slowed down beside me.

I pulled an earbud out and turned to face the driver, an elderly man already wearing his eyebrows at 45 degree angles. He didn't offer anything as a greeting, instead immediately launching into his lecture. "It's idiots like you who get killed and innocent drivers like me who have to deal with it!" he wheezed.

It took me a moment to respond, both because I had to determine which facet of my idiocy he was referencing, and also because his otherwise unremarkable nose exploded into a gin blossom the size of a Titleist. I found out about yooooooouuu-r drinking problem.

"You're not a runner, are you?" I asked, stopping the timer on my watch.

"No and I'm not an idiot, either." This is the part where he paused to harrumph. "Running in the middle of the street with those...those....ear speakers on".

Yes, wearing my ear speakers, about to be Froggered by that blasted horseless carriage of yours.

I shrugged. "Gotta have the Stones," I responded, knowing his gallbladder would prolly agree.

"You need to be on the sidewalk!" he shouted, his reedy voice splintering against the exclamation point.

"And you need to be in a sarcophagus," I wanted to say, but instead I calmly explained that I was running the BOSTON MARATHON (TM) next Monday and it wasn't going to be run on the sidewalk.

"You aren't going to be running anything if someone runs you over," he said, pleased with the amount of times he used 'run' in that sentence, before shifting into D and pulling away. He hung a left and clipped the curb--hard--drowning out "Tumbling Dice" with the sound of the driver's side dry-humping the sidewalk.

I popped my ear speaker back in and decided it was safer to stay in the road.

Author's Note: Don't worry, guys! I wasn't tightroping down the yellow line. I was right beside the sidewalk, facing traffic, and able to leap to the concrete at any time. And the volume on my 'pod was low enough that I could hear Mr. Happypants behind me before he ever rolled to a stop. The only way I could be safer is if I replaced my skin with bubble wrap.

16 comments:

Nat said...

Ha ha, I agree, the road sounds safer for sure. Oh old people like that piss me off.

rs27 said...

If Jaime Lee Curtis has a peen, well then I...

I really don't want to finish that sentence

Paul said...

Although running in the street may lend Boston Marathon verisimilitude to your training run (Nitmo, I hope you read this blog), you can't trust drivers to always be watching the road.

Running on harder concrete sidewalks is still better than running in plaster :D

Yes, I actually used an emoticon. Good luck in Boston!

TNT Jim said...

Oh J-Money- please run without the earphones on the street. I'd hate to not see this blog cause you were mowed down by a McDonald's Semi, driven by some meth head chowing down on Cap N'Crunch who gets distracted when wiping his bloody maw. What would we do? Kick Ass in Boston!

Rachel said...

I think that he would make me so angry...Even if he doesn't like that you are running on the street, he doesn't have to stop and tell you about it. It's just a waste of time for both of you! And it's not getting him anywhere.

mindy said...

An "easy" 10 mile run....yeah, that sounds like nonsense to me.

Ashley said...

i really hope i'm not crotchety and angry like that when i'm old.

also, you should have jumped on the hood of his car while he was stopped and started moaning about your back and lack of health insurance.

Kayleigh said...

Holy wow, B. Marathon next week! Wow wow wow.

Crotchety men on your least favorite street? Not so much.

My Life My Life My Life said...

LOL good grief. Cant people gripe about something else...

Mickey said...

So you've been working towards Boston this whole time. Awesome.

Isn't the point of running with ear buds in so you don't have to listen to assholes like that?

Good luck this weekend!

mike said...

So long as you're drinking enough cran-snapple agua, your body is SAFE. It can not sheild you from the pricking needle of senility weilded by a stupid person, ALAS.

RazZDoodle said...

Isn't he more of a danger by stopping in the middle of the road?

Damn whipper snappers. With your weird shirts and grudge music.

Vanilla said...

"knowing his gallbladder would prolly agree." - LMAO.

Best of luck in Boston.

J-Money said...

nat: Me too. I also hate the ones that steal.

rs27: Thank you?

paul: I <3 emoticons. :)

tntjim: If there was a comment hall of fame, that would have just been inducted, while wearing a garish sports coat.

rachel: Amen. A-EFFING-MEN.

mindy: It can be done. I swear!

ashley: I would've, but I was too busy flipping him off. Because I am obviously an adult.

kayleigh: Yeah, it struck out on two counts. If I'd stepped in a puddle of guacamole, the day would've included everything I hate.

mylifeX3: I know! Like pollution or babies or shitty wine.

mickey: See? You get it. And thanks!

mike: AND THERE IS TRIVIA UNDER THE CAP.

razzdoodle: Post-grudge, man. I've moved on to post-grudge.

vanilla: Muchas gracias.Ima do my best.

Amy said...

Personally I can't WAIT until I'm 80 years old and wielding a walker, screaming at myself and rocking blue hair.

Oh and you totally know Jamie Lee has a peen. (And Richard Gere keeps a gerbil breeder on retainer)

lizziebelle said...

i love marathon monday. i dont run it, but i fly home and run around BC with my sister drunk as skunks. its awesome. have you run it before? my mom ran it, people say it is the most fun marathon to run. good luck! tell boston i say hi!