Thursday, May 29, 2008

Cameraphone Treasures, Vol. 1

Nor would I want to be, since this car was in the Hardee's* parking lot--wedged between a UPS truck and a puddle of vomit--where a traffic officer was affixing a wheel lock to the right front tire. I have a number of questions regarding the scenario, but I'm sure the Monster Thickburger is somehow involved.

Because "Thou Shalt Not Waste Your Deer" is the unspoken eleventh commandment. My reaction to this book, in three acts:
Act 1: Antlercraft?
Act 2: Antlercraft.
Act 3: Antlercraft!

I blame the decline of the property on Alyssa Milano's Season 5 arrival. I can only imagine the brackish hipster stew in the swimming pool. Also, what the fuck ever happened to Grant Show? He used to be the hottest thing in worn flannel and work boots this side of the Indigo Girls.

Blood and milk, you say? Where do you have to go to be soiled by that particular duo? Other than Neverland Ranch.

Aaaand that just happened.

*Check local listings. Hardee's is the nom de food of Carl's Jr.

UPDATE: Deutlich, this still remains the most disturbing personalized plate I've ever seen.

"I teach kids"? Maybe. "I touch kids"? Equally possible. "Itch kids"? Only if their children have chronic impetigo.


carrie lea said...

Love it! I also take random pictures with my phone. I have a folder called "Things I want to steal", and I take pictures of things I see that I want to steal. But sometimes I do take pics of really odd outfits I see on the street, others of old man's hands on their much younger girlfriend's butts. I text them to my friends, but now I'm thinking the blog is a much more appropriate palce!

JB said...

Maybe it's because I'm not a milk drinker, but I really did not know milk could stain.

I think the Marketing repts tried to make the product less disturbing by changing the "for" to "4," but failed miserably. My inner self is chanting "For blood and milk!" as if it were for some sort of wiccan ritual involving "moon blood" and "boob juice."

I'm just going to go sit in a corner now and clutch to what little sanity I have left.

Sarah said...

Antlercraft, of course. Every home needs some.

deutlich said...

Maxie and I saw some dude with a license plate that read GAGAS5

... we're still baffled

Katie B. said...

"Aaaaand that happened."

Is that a reference to John Mayer's amazing calls during a red sox game in Japan? If so, I love it. If not, look it up.

J-Money said...

carrie lea: "Sometimes I do take pics...of old man's hands on their much younger girlfriend's butts." It is quite possible that my former boyfriend and I are lurking in your camera phone.

jb: You make an excellent point, and one I didn't consider since my milk is all harvested from the teat of the Nestle Quik rabbit.

sarah: Holy crap. Rarely do decorating mistakes and nightmare fuel ever collide like they have in that intertwined, light giving mess. "Hello, I like your chandelier. It looks much better on the ceiling than it did attached to the deer's head".

deutlich: I updated the post just for you.

Alice said...

Before reading your commentary I said "Itch Kids" about 10 times trying to figure out what it meant. Poison ivy doctor? Whaaaaa???

notsojenny said...

definitely Itch Kidz... it's the only thing that makes sense

-brought to you by Carl's Jr
(if you haven't seen the movie Do It NOW!)

Katelin said...

haha wow those license plates are ridiculous. the last one is pretty weird.

and the deer book, oy. there really is a book for everything these days.

Kristina said...

I know a misguided Jehovah's Witness devotee with a license plate that reads WERJWS. I don't think she knows that everyone who passes her VW thinks she's a Zionist.

Sheena said...

Sign that makes me wish I had a camera phone:

"Introducing Kids to Nature - Webinar"

Wouldn't the most logical first step be not using the computer?

Princess of the Universe said...

I totally interpreted that as "Itch Kids"

Xenia said...

My mom got into a car accident involving a moose a few weeks ago (mom's fine, moose was not) and the first thing her co-workers asked was if she kept the carcass.

Glad to know rednecks are not just limited to the wilds of NH. :)

Butter Chicken said...

Just don't breastfeed a kid that's teething and you can put that bottle right back on the shelf.

kelsi said...

maybe i'm just a perv, but that can clearly only be "i touch kids."
also, have you ever looked up taxidermied animals on ebay? your antlercraft adventures are only just beginning.

Mickey said...

Can't wait for vol. 2.

Felicia said...

Mmmm...Hardee's. I miss it so.

Essentially Me said...

I should get that last license plate and act really disgusted when people think it says "touch" instead of "teach".

I guess that person never had a second opinion.

J-Money said...

katie: I cannot tell you how much I like you right now.

alice: That was pretty much my reaction too.

notsojenny: Wait... it makes sense?

katelin: I look forward to COMPLETE oversaturation of the book store, where there would be a companion guide called "How Your Deer Can Make the Most of You".

kristina: To me, I assumed it was "We Are Jaws" and your friend is actually a misguided killer shark.

sheena: Maybe in tiny print it actually read "Introducing Kids to Pictures of Nature Because They'll Be Too Busy Shooting Hookers in GTA to Give a Shit About Monarch Butterflies".

princess: That's three votes for Itchy.

xenia: First, glad your mother is unharmed. Next, I cannot believe she didn't have the head mounted on the hood of her car to warn other animals of her victory.

butter chicken: FTW!

kelsi: No, but guess what I'll be doing for the next hour?

mickey: Yes, stay tuned for Cameraphone Treasures 2: The Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

felicia: You know, I missed it too but then eating there pretty much cured me for life.

essentially me: Nope. That person apparently has no friends who could sit them down and explain why they may want to work in an extra vowel.

JustinS said...

That deer thing...

The Texas office I've been working in for this week? Full of guys who do a lot of work out in the woods. The "art" around the office includes plenty of dead, stuffed things, too. Looks more like a hunting lodge than an office.

On one of the walls, there's a poster with very detailed instructions on aging deers. Apparently, all you need are some bolt cutters, a saw, and some pliers.

Oh, and a dead deer.

Michelle said...

i totally see itch kids

Alexa said...

bahahaha. now that was some funny shit.

blood and milk? barf.

Ben said...

Blood & milk was disgusting...

Best I saw was BMEUPSKTY

The sci-fi-loving newf piddled himself with glee.

deutlich said...


I don't get it!

People should be a little more careful about that kinda thing

Random Esquire said...

Are those your thumbs?

They don't go with your face. I don't think. I mean, I don't have the first clue. But they don't seem to. For some reason.

But this is all coming from someone whose body oddity involves hands.

I demand hand pictures! Or just mail me your hands.

I'm flexible.

Siempre Creciendo said...

You are that person that starts "text chains" without even knowing it. Or maybe you do know it, in which case we're fighting. Either way, those pics are f'n hysterical.

*jimaie.marie* said...

you are freakin HILARIOUS!!!
love it.