Friday, May 02, 2008

Local Cable

I caught an insomniac episode of the X-Files around 3 a.m. and when I wasn't distracted by Gillian Anderson's "Kabuki-Meets-Career Woman" makeup style, I was kickstarting my cortex trying to remember where I had seen the villain before. (Robert Patrick Modell, for any remaining X-Addicts).

I Heimliched it out of my head this morning, during my second bowl of Shrek cereal*. He was the undersexed dad** in the Lifetime Original Movie Secret Cutting***.

I hate myself for knowing this.

* I know we're, like, a year past the latest Shrek installment, which probably explains why the box had been banished to the clearance endcap. And also why it tastes like potting soil.
** And the family's reluctant math tutor. For some reason in made-for-tv movies, whenever the main character starts sucking at math, they're three Mylanta commercials away from a psychological disorder. I tanked my trig class too, but that's because my teacher stopped speaking to me after an unfortunate incident where she asked for an example of a vulgar fraction and I suggested two divided by dick.
*** Plot synopsis: A teen girl spends lots of time drawing elaborate sketches of wolves which you know she's just going to rip up later. To cope with her classmates' teasing****she locks herself in her room (or the bathroom or the garage or the inexplicably unlocked school furnace room/smoker's den) and sometimes cuts herself! Secretly! This results in several appointments with tough-but-caring therapist Rhea Pearlman whose only medical credentials appear to be an endless supply of cable knit sweaters. The End.
**** Her fellow students tease her with uninspired epithets like "Weirdo", ignoring more creative choices like "Dances With Wolves", "Wolf Blitzer" or "Wolf Camera Center".*****
***** Or "Starting Center for the Sudbury Wolves". Or "Wolf Lake, Minnesota". I can do this All Effing Day.


TNT Jim said...

Gawd Deng it J-Money! I spewed coffee all over my laptop because of "2 divided by dick."

How are your legs? Walking normalish now? Able to go down steps?

You the best J-Money.


Alice said...

Mmm...X-Files and Shrek cereal. If there are marshmallows in that, it's like you know me.

J-Money said...

tnt jim: I think I'm recovered. Haven't tried running fast yet, but the tears have stopped. I swear I'll recap the race before next April.

alice: Hells yes there are marshmallows. Obviously this means we are best friends.

Kaeti said...

Uh, we're called X-philes, not X-addicts, thankyouverymuch. (What? I know I'm hot.)

Kayleigh said...

I love how you know all these things.

P.S. Lifetime Original Movies got me through my senior year of college, with such poignant titles like:

"To Love, Honor, and Betray"

"Fifteen and Pregnant"

and my personal favorite:

"I Do (But I Don't)"

tmamone said...

Oh yeah, I remember "Secret Cutting." It was much better than "Fifteen and Pregnant" (which beat the audience over the head with the "Don't have sex" message), but still not exactly a masterpiece.

bourbon please... said...

Don't feel bad I get sucked into Lifetime Movies too. Sometimes I imagine what C actress would play me if they made a movie about my life. Maybe that chick from Little House on the Prarie or perhaps if I was older Meredith Baxter Burney.

JustinS said...

Wow... and all along I thought every Lifetime Original Movie involved either:

A. Meredith Baxter Birney in an abusive marriage.
B. Meredith Baxter Birney being raped.
C. Meredith Baxter Birney getting her groove back.
D. Meredith Baxter Birney making me want to vomit.

My Life My Life My Life said...

Damn you made me inhale a popcorn kernal on the vulgar fraction...

Anonymous said...

"Mother, Can I Sleep With Danger?"

Beat that.

Ashley said...

i feel both sad and excited that i have seen the movie you are referring to.

Your Ill-fitting Overcoat said...

I love a footnote within a footnote.

kelsi said...

i have rarely laughed as hard out loud at a blog as i just did at "two divided by dick."
well played. very well played.

Rachel said...

I have definitely seen that movie too!! Haha!