Wednesday, May 07, 2008

Supply and Demand

OK, so my inbox has been stuffed* with e's asking about these comments from this post's thread:

Some of the notes asked if this meant that we'd dated in college, some wanted to know if he was the last person who'd checked my "yes" box**, and one of you who is possibly my mom wanted to know if she would be receiving another Chia Head this Mother's Day. To answer those questions in order: yes, almost, and not unless Walgreens gets another shipment.

I got to know Troy when he roomed with one of my friends during sophomore year. Initially we shared nothing but stilted conversations and an occasional cardboard basket of curly fries. We had nothing in common. He liked flute music and learning. I enjoyed Popov Vodka and passing out in flower beds. I was Goofus. He was Gallant.

Besides, he was involved with someone else--a girl who didn't dress like Happy Gilmore***--and I was just beginning a relationship with Marlboro Reds. But before that semester's drop date, we were speaking to each other in paragraphs, not sentences. I learned that he listened to Kenny Loggins, ground his own coffee****, and frequently gave sweaters as gifts. Throw in a dash of lactose intolerance, and he was essentially the most eligible middle-aged man I was going to find on campus, unless I decided to seduce the Provost.*****

I soon realized that I was stumbling down the stairs to see him, just him, more often. He generously offered to help me through Econ--his major--and in return, I promised not to throw up on his desk planner again. For our first lesson, he taught me that 'conspicuous consumption' didn't mean having a McRib stain on my Yzerman sweater. During our second, I asked him out. I'm not sure why he agreed but think I shot out a cloud of ink, giant squid-style, temporarily stunning and confusing him.

None of our mutual friends Our one mutual friend didn't get it, our John Bender-Claire Standish Breakfast Club courtship (with the part of Troy being played by Molly Ringwald) and I think we all knew that from the start, it was stamped with an indelible expiration date, taunting us like that carton of cottage cheese that he couldn't eat. Thirteen episodes of Ally McBeal****** later, when he (unsurprisingly) decided I wasn't right for him and I (unsurprisingly) wouldn't let it go, he switched his major to religion, probably because he spent so much time praying that I would transfer to another school.

Flash forward ten years and he's earned two master's degrees from colleges that don't advertise during syndicated sitcoms and has a career that lends itself to French cuff shirts and a yard full of swans. He's married and has a child that--because he and Mrs. Troy******* both have cheekbones I could open my cable bill with--is destined to make Shiloh Jolie-Messiah-Pitt look like a lawn gnome.

By contrast, I sleep alone, wear a name tag to work, and recently ate an earthworm for a dollar.

Despite living two Targets from each other, I rarely see him since he doesn't need to purchase running shoes nor buys groceries at Big Lots. I'm glad he stops by the site, I appreciate all the reader e's, and still hope I can find a Chia Head by Sunday.

* Not a euphemism.
** Not a euphemism.
*** This was during my devoted hockey fan period, which overlapped entirely with my "frequently assumed to be a lesbian" period.
**** Also not a euphemism.
***** I spent a full semester considering it until someone pointed out that, despite the sideburns, he was actually a woman.
****** At this point, the show was still known for its short hemlines and unisex bathrooms and not because Calista Flockhart weighed less than a barn owl.
******* They were nice enough to invite me to their wedding even though there was a very real possibility that I would make a scene and/or empty an entire tray of mini-quiche into my purse. Mrs. Troy--and the entire Trojan family--is made of win.


Ben said...

Sweet jesus. Best post about an ex ever. Especially considering how he'll be reading is. 12 bonus points.

Minus 5 for the earth worm.

ps. Tell your word verification to get the hell of my back.

Kaeti said...

Your life is better than Gossip Girl.

Ashley said...

agree with ben - the level of self-deprecation in this post is the perfect amount of hilarity and misfortune. you crack me up.

d said...

over at my blog i give long winded compliments to my ex, painting these mushy renditions of all the romance we had, blah blah BLAH.

your way is WAY better.

that was hilarious, is my point.

chia said...

I think I just peed a bit in my Aeron

J-Money said...

ben: So I'm still at a +7? SWEET. Also, I wish there was a way to tell the word verification "No, Ben's cool. He's with me" and it would raise the velvet rope for you.

kaeti: I hope my life soon appears on the CW then.

ashley: As always, it's funny because it's true. Stupid misfortune.

d: I apparently make an awesome ex-girlfriend.

chia: Don't worry, I have plenty of stain defender I could mail you.

rs27 said...

Devoted hockey fan equals lesbian? I demand you to take that back right now!

Because then I would be a lesbian and no one likes dude lesbians.

Vanilla said...

I once had a job that required French Cuffs and a name-tag. Seriously.

Katelin said...

I agree with Ben, best post about an ex ever, very cute. And the fact that he reads it, even cuter.

JustinS said...

I'm totally down with the self-deprecation scene, but I think comparing yourself to Judd Nelson is a desperate cry for help. Seriously, it'll all be ok.

troy said...

We invited you to the wedding because you're the coolest person we know. And because Mrs. Troy still barely believes that we dated (see previous sentence).

Allie-gator said...

Man I wish my Exs were this cool! But even if they were I don't think I could portray them as good as you just did! That was great!

I would totally recommend you for the WB! We just need to come up with a great name for the show!

Dexter Colt said...

At least you're important enough to have a name-tag. I'm just known as "that guy who works in B2."

And, my inbox is stuffed with ads for Canadian pharmacies.

You can self-deprecate all you want, but you're clearly a winner.

Alya said...

Aaaw! Look at Troy's comment.

J-Money, I think you're the coolest ex ever! And you could benefit from this friendship for the sake of your (future) kids! In case you wanted to set them up together.. Just sayin'..

Mickey said...

Wow. Way to blend the humanity and the humor.

And I think the earth worm makes you that much cooler.

Random Esquire said...

It seems your Happy Gilmore time period very closely overlapped with your "assumed to be a lesbian" period. Which, of course, I find funny.

Laser Runner said...

For Brits, men wearing "suspenders" means a whole different thing to whatever it means in American. Maybe you can post a link to an American / English translator ????

Gracie Lane said...

Just found your blog and was feeling some solidarity (except for the worm thing) until I checked out your profile photo. You've got fab hair, eye makeup AND earrings on! Totally no fair. I'll just have to close my eyes when I read.

Tara said...

Just so you know:

When I glance at your banner I often think that there is a [used] condom and it always surprises me - daily (I'm seeking help, don't worry). Then I look again and realize that it is only a plastic cup. And for some reason it makes me a little sad.

lacochran said...

Love your blog. Added it to my blogroll. Hope that's alright with you.

Very funny!

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