Wednesday, June 11, 2008

20 Minutes to Nine

So last Monday was my birthday. I'm 29 and for the first time ever, I'm starting to feel it. To feel old. Like I should be portrayed by a wig-wearing Estelle Getty.

Maybe it's because I'm tiptoeing around in 30's front yard. Or maybe it's because when I got out of the shower this morning and took a glance in the mirror, I realized that I should send out an Amber Alert for my ass. I used to have one. I can only assume that someone lured it into the back of a white van when I wasn't looking.

Maybe it's because Anne Frank could hide in my under-eye baggage. I recently purchased a cream with the words "anti-aging" on written on the label in delicate script. I'm not necessarily anti-aging. I'm just anti-waking up looking like I was punched in the retinas. So I purchased this Olay (Olay! Olay!) shit in the hopes that people will start ignoring my more obvious flaws, instead commenting that I have the eyes of a toddler.

Maybe it's because I've caught myself making excuses about why I look like a Mogwai in the morning, even this weekend when I was the youngest of all of my friends. In college, I could pass out face down on broken shards of a Schlitz bottle and wake up looking refreshed and smelling like gardenias. Now if I take a 10 minute nap, I spend twenty minutes prying my eyes open like a stubborn window that's been painted over with two coats of Cover Girl.

Maybe it's because all I wanted for my birthday was for someone to wet Hugh Laurie down and bring him to me. Instead, my neighbor proudly presented me with a dog breed note pad and a matching pen, speeding my transition to sad old woman. Thank you, Cecilia. I'm now just a cardigan and a crumbling cake away from being Miss Havisham.

Maybe it's because I'm the same age that my mother was when I was born. That's not scarifying at all. If someone finds a child in my birth canal, it's because they're the best EVER at hide and seek. My mother does call me every year at 6:38 p.m., the time I was born. She says she'll always remember the exact time because I was her first kid but I think it's more because you'll probably commit to memory that one time a living creature came screeching out of your vag. Shiver.

I did promise myself that this would be the last birthday I spent living here in Slappytown. I plan on moving to Los Angeles before the end of the year and because I've written it on the internet, that means it's REAL. That said, now everything this summer takes on a sad kind of significance. It was quite possibly the last time I'll be at my friend's beach house. The last time I'll drink an entire bottle of Chambord and throw up in a sailboat. And I'm making a wish sandwich and chugging a hope float so this'll be the last time I feel this damn old. Especially now that I've got this eye cream.

44 comments:

Essentially Me said...

Happy Birthday!

And cardigans are cool dammit! Maybe you'll feel the same way in about a years time too.

Holly said...

1. YES YES YES. COME TO CULLYFORNEEYA.

2. This
She says she'll always remember the exact time because I was her first kid but I think it's more because you'll probably commit to memory that one time a living creature came screeching out of your vag.
is my favorite thing you've ever written, ever, which is ruh-HEALLY saying something.

TNT Jim said...

Happy Birthday J-Money! For what it's worth you're a hot rockin' babe.
Really think you'd enjoy NYC over La La land, but hey do what you do...I'll keep reading

yoritomo said...

Crossfit was born in CA making it the best place on earth. But you're not gone yet, goddamnit.

I'm sure your sentimentality will be worn down by the dreariness of this place and of this life within a few weeks, but until then maybe things in this town will be a little sweeter.

Dexter Colt said...

The eye cream is a sham! I ain't ashamed to say I've tried it. Hey, when you look like the living dead you'll try anything...maybe I should just give in and start feasting on brains.

Enjoy this last year of your 20s. But, I assure you, your 30s is where its at. I tell that to myself every day, so it must be true!

Captain Steve said...

I have the Clinique eye shit, and I've still look like I got in a barfight every morning (and afternoon and night) but I hear that's hereditary. But hey! You're lucky! I hit the age my mother was when she birthed me when I could legally drink! 24 hours of labor, which she reminds me of to this day. Nuns could learn to guilt trip from my mother.

Happy birthday!

Xenia said...

Happy birthday!

I've been using eye cream since I was 21. 8 years and no change. But I keep at it. I'm nothing if not tenacious.

Robbie said...

Happy Birthday

You need to look on the bright side. Your only now hitting your best years.
You need to say that as 29 is only around the corner from me now and I need some hope its still all good.

pinkjellybaby said...

I hate that we have to get older :(

Alexandreena said...

Happy birthday!

"If someone finds a child in my birth canal, it's because they're the best EVER at hide and seek" is the best thing I read all week.

Also, I am at the exact same age my Mom was when she had me. And she reminds me of that on a weekly basis now.

Ben said...

On the plus side, this is pretty much awesome blogger birthday week!

Tuffy said...

Someone didn't watch a young Charlie Sheen in an ABC Afterschool Special about the dangers of ass candy, young girls, and white vans.

Charlie Sheen, for one.

A Lover and a Fighter said...

Happy birthday!

Gilahi said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Alexa said...

well happy birthday! i'm about to turn 28 in a few weeks. ugh.

oh and i have been using anti age under eye cream for YEARS!

Anonymous said...

My eyes are so baggy, when I heard the Mississippi River was flooding, I was pretty sure it meant my eyes were weeping.

And I'm still NOT convinced otherwise. ha ha ha!

Gilahi said...

First, I'm almost 51. As the comedian said to all you young folks out there, "Just strike a pose and shut the f*** up."

Second, Turning 35 is worse than turning 30, because all those forms you fill out give you age ranges of 25-34, then 35-44. Suddenly you're 10 years older.

Third, you know where Oil of Olay comes from, right? It's distilled from the sweat glands of matadors. They changed the spelling because no one in the U.S. would use "Ole Cream".

Reluctant Runner said...

Sorry, can't pity you because you are 29 and have a skinny ass. Plus you are funny, talented and moving to L.A. And qualified for and ran the Boston Marathon. Nope, I'm afraid you're still fabulous, in spite of your impending decrepitude.

Hope you had a terrific birthday, J-Money!

d said...

when i met one of my gay friends, two years ago, his first comment was, "oh my, you need some eye cream for those smile wrinkles!"

i was 26.

i got the cream and used it maaaaybe twice.

LA??? really?

Vanilla said...

Only one more year with that "20 something bloggers" button on your blog. Happy Birthday J.

JustinS said...

Have you noticed how many of us cool kids had birthdays in the last week or so? I'm starting to feel bad for the poor, sad souls who weren't born in early June. Clearly there's a connection between hatching during that time of year and pure, unadulterated awesomeness.

rs27 said...

Don't knock Miss Havisham. She was a hip hip lady.

What kind of college is this where you drink Shlitz BOTTLES. Please send.

always rebellious said...

You know what's worse than being the same age as your mom when she had you? Being the age that you can remember your mom being. That you remember telling people her age and now you're there. Awesome!

I'm sure you're a great performer, so I'll not question your plans to head west to 'make it'...but I have to say that you are an EXCELLENT writer. I've read your blog off and on for awhile. You're writing is funnier and more consistently bad-ass with every post. There are many published folks that could learn a ton from you.

I've complimented someone on their personal blog. So you know I'm ultra-serious.
:-)

mindy said...

I'm turning 28 next month. My mother likes to remind me that when she was my age, she had just had my little sister - her FOURTH CHILD.

If that isn't terrifying I don't know what is.

P.O.M. said...

Happy Birthday. I promise the 30s are fan-lippin'-tastic. Really. You can have a lot of sex and not be slutty. You'll look back at 20-somethings and laugh.

Two Left Feet said...

1. i'm stealing your hide and seek comment.

2. you're not old, just oldER.

3. happy birthday!

lacochran's evil twin said...

You know what they say: You're only as old as the guys you feel.

Happy feeling and happy birthday!

nrichie2345 said...

you are an amazing writer! Happy Birthday!

Christy said...

Okay, so knowing that there's eye cream out there that can cure-all makes my 27th (next week) a little easier to handle...though not by much after reading the other comments. I'm thinking that maybe since I can drink, drive, do it w/my hubby, (though not necessarily together) that maybe 27 isn't so bad afterall; much better than 17 or so...when my mother was reminding me that I was the age at which she was when I was born. No, I feel much better knowing that I'm freakin' ancient & still haven't conceived. Great. Any other words of advice? Maybe something involving face cream, cuz the eyes just aren't the only problem.

Happy belated birthday, btw.

jen said...

Happy Belated Birthday!! Luckily my mom didn't have me till she was 35 so I have years to feel young and beautiful at the expense of my aging mother. :(

Anyway, Happy Birthday! Come to California, it's fun.

Princess of the Universe said...

H Bday!

At least Miss Havisham had money...

Mickey said...

Happy old!

I feel your pre-30 pain. Actually, I feel mine, but I bet it's at least a little similar.

Gremlins and Dickens in the same post. Awesome.

Felicia said...

Happy late birthday!!

And my mom had a 10-year-old at my age. That in itself is barf-worthy.

mistresschristina said...

To commiserate: I am about to turn 24 (which in my opinion is not super old) and my mother pointed out that at my age she was married and I was already born. I believe my sister my sister may have been in the works as well. Thanks Mom. Way to throw me into early spinsterhood. I already have the cats.

Lisa said...

I'm turning 26 on June 22, and I'm already way older than my mom was when she had me. Creepy much? Happy birthday, J-Money! Here's to 29 years of awesomeness and many, many more.

P.S. Eye cream is the devil.

Sheena said...

You're really only an old woman if you have a full set of dog-breed coffee mugs.

Butter Chicken said...

Wow. Didn't realize you were that old. Yikes. Probably going to stop reading the site. Thanks for the good times, Betty White.

redstaplernation said...

Happy birthday!

I started hitting the anti-aging cream at 21 :o(

Phil said...

Happy birthday! At least you were born in the PM and not the AM. A call at that hour (at least from my perspective) would be less than welcome.

And yay for moving to LA! I just moved there in January (grad school has a way of speeding up the whole process of 'thinking about moving'), so hit me up and I'll happily help you find awesome things once you move. Plus, it'll be nice to have another LA blogger :)

Pete Dunn said...

Puh-lease. I'd kill for 29 again. 29 is the perfect age. Make this year your finest yet. I mean, you have at least a whole year left before you're old. :)

Your Girlfriend is Ugly said...

Happy Birthday.

Try Fresh Anise Wrinkle Eraser or any of their skincare for that matter. I swear by the Repair & Restore.

www.fresh.com

UrbanVox said...

hehehe... I know the feeling! :)

Happy b'day anyways!!! :)!

xxx

The Clandestine Samurai said...

Lmao.

No, you cannot fight your age, physically or mentally. Actually, the fact that you are even reflecting on such matters shows that you are indeed growing. But there's nothing wrong with this.

You must now just live out everyday like it's your last. Make everyday feel like a week. Slow time down instead of trying to stop it.

It's funny you bring up Hugh Laurie. Me and a friend were just talking the other day about how he completely fooled us with his American accent. Unlike Christian Bale, or Russell Crowe.

Happy Birthday, by the way.

Sarah Elizabeth said...

I am planning to move out west too in about a year! Yay for the unknown!