Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Tidbits

1) Thanks to Turi for capturing on film this unauthorized imposter at the Lake Tahoe Relays. C'mon Guy with Tousled Hair and A Can of Bud, you're not the Original Recipe J-Money. Just like The Highlander*, there can be only one and that's me, if only because I don't use "unnecessary" quotation marks.

2) I spent last Friday night at the gym, as usual**. Halfway through a set of lateral raises--an exercise that is completely worthless unless you plan on making the "Y-M-C-A" dance gestures for upwards of an hour or you expect to be crucified--the Dark Lord came in. This man is made of nightmare fuel, not just because of the possible prison-issue tattoo of a skull pyramid that lines the length of his left arm, nor the spiderwebs inked outward from his eyes. No, he haunts me because of, um, his puking problem. On more than one occasion, he's lumbered into the room dragging the trash can behind him. Then he hulks out in front of the mirror, hoists the equivalent of New Hampshire above his head, and slams the weight down while simultaneously spewing in the Hefty Cinch sack at his side.

I try to stay out of his way, and not just because I don't want to be splattered with the remnants of whatever animal face he's just eaten. So imagine my terror when he walked into the free weight room and caught me alone, my tiny arms flapping helplessly to the rhythm of whatever Steve Winwood song was seeping through the speakers. I tried to remain still, hoping that his vision was based on movement, but he kept plodding towards me. He walked closer. Closer. Closer still. He stopped, positioning himself between me and the door, and looked through my eyes to the back of my head, staring at me with a crazed intensity that said he was thisclose to using me for stew meat. And then his gaze softened. And he spoke, his words oozing out like ink from a bingo dauber. "You hear Tim Russert died?" he said, shaking his Honda-sized head. "Ain't that a bitch?"

I wouldn't have been more surprised if he'd invited me over for Sleepytime Tea and scrapbooking.

3) It is a bitch.

4) I've written two more Last Comic Standing recaps for TVGasm--Episode 4 and Episode 3--because nothing is more entertaining than reading transcripts of other people's jokes. No, seriously, there's NOTHING funnier. Except maybe Dave Coulier. Cut. It. Out!

* Christopher Lambert, star of Highlander, was once in a film called Douchka. There's nothing relevant about that at all. I just like to say "Douchka" because it sounds both insulting and endearing.
** My social leprosy isn't new. Last Christmas season, I was swiping my card for my standard Friday night date with the deadlift when the guy sitting at the desk sorting a bin of towels stopped mid-fold, looked at me and said "Hey, it's the 21st!" I shrugged, assuming he'd just discovered December and looked forward to that breakthrough day when he learned about the little hand and the big hand on the clock. "So, you Jewish or something?" Sigh. No, Douchka, I'm unpopular. Just for that, I took a towel home, mopped up a Merlot spill, and returned it to his hamper on Monday. I rule.

22 comments:

Phil said...

What Steve Winwood song was playing? If it was "Love the One You're With," that could be what spelled bad karma for icky gym guy.

Princess of the Universe said...

You DO rule.

Gilahi said...

Phil - Did Steve Winwood record "Love The One You're With"? The only versions I know are Stephen Stills and the Isley Brothers.

I'm wasted and I can't find my home.

Xenia said...

How much does NH weigh? I'm from there and I have no clue, but I'm pretty sure it's damn heavy cuz of all that granite.

Glad scary gym guy shared his softer side with you rather than spewing all over you. Definitely a win-win.

Robbie said...

Hey, youve got imposters. I'm jealous.

Brian Sawyer said...

Great, now I can't get Dave Coulier and his associated hand gestures for that little chestnut out of my head. Cut [index and middle finger, used as scissors]. It [index finger, pointing]. Out [thumb, hitchhiking motion].

Erin said...

Oh my god, the gym puker sounds horrifying.

Rachel said...

I wish I had the diligence to go to the gym on Friday nights!

J-Money said...

phil: It was "Back in the High Life Again". Being killed during that song would've been one undignified way to die.

princess of the universe: Thank you for encouraging me.

gilahi: OK, for reals, I love me some Blind Faith.

xenia: No kidding. Because it would've sucked if I'd had to burn the Lionel Richie "All Night Long" t-shirt I was wearing.

robbie: Actually, I've been dressing like you for the past 4 months. No one's taken a picture of it yet.

brian: You're welcome. Whatever you do, don't think of Mister Woodchuck.

erin: HE IS. He will haunt your dreams.

rachel: And I wish I had some kind of social activity that would keep me out of the gym on Friday nights. Other than new episodes of The Dog Whisperer.

nancypearlwannabe said...

Gym puking? Yet another thing to be thankful I have not encountered.

I totally made the Dave Coulier hand motions when I read Cut. It. Out!

JB said...

Not only is he holding a can of Bud (or is it Diet Sprite?), he's holding it unsanitarily close to that woman's armpit. I don't know about you, but I don't want my drinks to be anywhere near the armpit of someone who ran a relay race.

stealthnerd said...

Gym puking? Okay, that's one more reason for this vomit-phobe to steer clear of the gym...

Kaeti said...

Does this mean you're going to start chasing after the false J-Moneys and cutting off their heads?

Yes, I realize it's terribly sad that I've watched enough Highlander to know that.

Deutlich said...

Oh wow.. that meat head woulda scared the crap out of me.

JustinS said...

Do you think any strenuous activity makes him vomit? Like if he has to run to catch the bus, does he spew? Or if he has to read big words? Or count to 21 while fully clothed?

Kristina said...

Your gym puker totally trumps anything in that Newsweek article about bad gym etiquette (http://www.newsweek.com/id/140685). Nice work.

rs27 said...

Back in the High Life was originally written as a tribute for Jimy Hendrix.

Look it up.

Or don't. Either way.

Max said...

And I thought the grunters were bad at my gym...aren't there enough unsanitary features of the gym already? Naked people in the hot tub and constant fear of athlete's foot pale in comparison with lifting-induced vomiting.

Makes me wonder what Dave Coulier is doing these days...probably surfing the cash wave of syndication...

Katelin said...

how dare someone steal the j-money name. and add quotation marks? how rude.

lacochran's evil twin said...

"Christopher Lambert, star of Highlander, was once in a film called Douchka. There's nothing relevant about that at all. I just like to say "Douchka" because it sounds both insulting and endearing."

! LMAO!! Brilliant!

And why do you assume that the runner is an imposter? Perhaps it's his tribute to you?

Becca Jaffe said...

we steal gym towels too, shhhh...

the frog princess said...

He seriously drags a trashcan around and yaks at the gym!? That is a whole new breed of weird...

Also, am I missing something special about the 21st? It's 4 whole days before Christmas... who cares!?