Wednesday, July 16, 2008

5 Things: Tuesday

1) Over the weekend I managed to shatter the passenger side mirror on my car by crosschecking a giant--yet somehow invisible--concrete column in the parking garage. After spending the morning in a section of the Yellow Pages I'd never seen before, I found an auto glass shop and reluctantly took it to be repaired. I walked in and the receptionist, a sixty-something woman with skin that was speckled like an over-ripe banana, immediately gave me a stack of paperwork to fill out.

"Do you have a current registration?" she asked, flipping through my forms. "Yes," I told her proudly, "I attached it to the last page."

She shook her head. "Your card says 2005," she said, tossing it across the table to me. "I live in 2008."

"YOU MEAN YOU'RE FROM THE FUTURE?" I asked with a laugh. Her response was an expression like I'd just shat in her CrockPot. "Just go set in our waitin' room," she suggested, the hair pile atop her head shifting sideways like a compass needle searching for north. "We got magazines and I think there may be some of them Milano cookies in there too."

The promise of Pepperidge Farm was all I needed. I grabbed my outdated docs and headed for the door. "Wait a second," she shouted as she stood up, peering over the edge of her desk at my feet. I was afraid that my bowels had released when she told me what it was going to cost, so I was getting ready to apologize when she nodded. "You're OK. Go on," she said, crashing the last two words into each other. "Gwan," she repeated, making a hand gesture like she was trying to brush flies away from the bowl of potato salad at a picnic.

I was admittedly curious. "Is there a problem?" I asked doing my best impression of innocence. She shook her head. "Not with you. We just require that ever'body wears shoes in our waitin' area." I had a number of follow-up questions, like how many Shoeless Joes had to stroll in before this became an issue that the receptionist was encouraged to address. Also, if you're the type of person who likes to barefoot it, why would you hang out here, a place that DEALS WITH BROKEN GLASS?

Instead I said nothing, heading through the swinging doors and directly to the plate of PepFarms. There were two framed pictures above the refreshment table. One was "Footprints", the homemade prayer about a man having a beach party with Jesus who notices that there were once two lines of prints in the sand but now was only one. He asked why and I think the answer was because Jesus was on his back. Below that, in a matching wooden frame was a handwritten note that said "Shoes Required". I wanted to go back out to ask if that was some kind of subconscious commentary on the story above or if the Prince of Peace would also be required to slip on some kicks before helping himself to a cup of Customers Only Coffee but instead I placed the last two cookies on a paper towel, rescued a copy of Redbook from the magazine rack, and settled in for the next sixty minutes.

2) On my way out of the parking lot, I was cut off by a car that had a fringed El Salvador flag dangling from the rearview being driven by a woman wearing a hijab head scarf. Her window was down far enough for me to hear the Li'l Wayne beats before she swerved into the merge lane, simultaneously honking and flipping me off. Instead of being pissed, I thought about how many different cultures she’d managed to cram into one Honda Civic.

3) I watched the All-Star game last night from start to finish, including the Pre-Show Celebrity Celebragasm of Celebrities. During the "New York, New York" montage, I realized that David Duchovny has started to look like a forty-year old lesbian.
This troubles me greatly.

4) I'm the Maid of Honor in a wedding this weekend (more on that sure to follow...check local listings) and because my dress showcases an unfortunate amount of skin, I decided to join a tanning salon, even though at my most tropical I'm still the color of undercooked chicken. This particular place--selected because I could see it from the McDonald's parking lot where I was enjoying a pair of SnackWraps--has a number of security measures in place that seem a bit excessive.

"We're going to need your social security number," the polo-wearing Oompa Loompa behind the counter told me, clicking away at her computer. "I'm not applying for credit," I told her. "I just want to look a little less like skim milk."

She chomped her gum twice, sending a spearmint scented cloud in my direction. "Let me ask the manager." She came back wearing a smile faker than her skin color. "Sure, we can sign you up without your social."

"Great," I said, already wondering if this had been a Bad Idea. "I'm ready to go then, right?"

"Nope. We'll have to scan your fingerprint instead."

Again, I had a number of questions. Is tan theft this serious a problem? For reals, I've had friends who have run errands for me, going to the bank armed with nothing but my account number scrawled on the back of a Rolling Stone subscription card, and they've walked out with a lollipop and an envelope full of bills from my account. I'd accept this level of security from a financial institution, but I'm not scanning my ridges and whorls in a place that also sells acrylic nails and a product called "Sex Magnet". There's also no way I'd trust someone named "Kiki" with my personal information.

"I don't think so," I said. "I've seen Gattaca."

She snapped her gum again and disappeared into the back. The manager--a man who looked like Moby if Moby was made of corrugated cardboard--came out, I discussed my concerns with him, and he settled on just insisting that I show ID before each tan session. "Identity theft is a very real problem," he told me solemnly. Oh really, McGruff? Because if someone makes off with my 'social', I'm pretty sure their first stop isn't going to be your Level 3 Bronzing Bed. But, again, I said nothing and thanked him for his time.

They started me at 4 minutes in a bed that Kiki promised had, like, zero burn risk. It also had zero tan risk, because I climbed out the exact same color although my skin was lightly scented with coconut and carcinoma.

Last night when I got out of the shower, I noticed that somehow my butt skin had gotten bunched up beneath me, giving me a coaster-sized red patch on each cheek. Obviously, I'm not going to look any better in the dress but if things get boring at the rehearsal dinner, I'll suggest we all play a game of Twister on my ass.

Next time, I'm buying the Sex Magnet.

5) My internet has been muy hateful today so I jumped on an open wireless network in my building, an open network named Ballsack. So, to whomever’s Ballsack I’m using, I thank you. Without your Ballsack, I couldn’t have gotten my work done. Thank you for sharing your Ballsack with your neighbors. Your Ballsack rea-- OK, I’ll stop.

49 comments:

Nicole said...

You had me cracking up! And man, David Duchovny used to be on my list!

d said...

i love the subtle Footprints joke.

d said...

oh, and the network i leech off of at home is called BIG PIMPIN WIRELESS.

yes, in all caps.

Gilahi said...

Just because you're a ghostly pale young lady, they think you're a tan thief? That's profiling!

ÄsK AliCë said...

My network is no fun at all. It's called "Bridges Churches"

Am I going to hell for stealing from a church network?

db said...

Your writing makes me laugh really loud alone in my apartment, which makes me feel like the crazy laughing cat lady, only I don't have any cats so it's a little bit creepier. Anyway, I am awarding you the Brilliante Blog award! You can find it on the most recent post at Rage in the A.M. It's kind of shiny and pretty and what's more, because it's not tangible, the Boxerbeast cannot masticate on it, around it, or through it. It's indestructible!

db said...

Oh, and don't ask me why Brilliante is spelled with an E. I'm not sure. I didn't make the award, man. I'm just handing them out.

Jenn N Butter said...

*BALLSACK*

(snickers behind hand... realizes she's alone in the room)"OMFG" (remembers the neighbors can hear her) "SORRY JOSEPHINE"

"KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE WILL YA"

(mumbles under her breath about getting a new apartment)

dailydisastergirl said...

I started to love David Duchovney after watching Californication. Your comment just undid all of that.

Vanilla said...

Don't bother with the Sex Magnet, you'll just be really disappointed with it... at least that's what I've been told.

J-Money said...

nicole: My parents haven't disturbed my room at their house since I left home, leaving the Springsteen poster hanging above the bed and the--no kidding--David Duchovny collage behind the door. So when I stay there, I wake up and he's staring at me from a 1994 Entertainment Weekly cover. If I ever meet him, this is a detail I won't be sharing.

d: I wish I could arrange a meeting between BIG PIMPIN and Ballsack. You and I would just sit, take notes, and be ready to distract them with ice cream if things got tense.

gilahi: OK, that made me laugh.

ask alice: Isn't that a commandment? Thou Shalt Not Bear False Wireless? [groooooaaan]

db: An award?!?! HOLY CRAP! Thank you!

jenn n butter: Perhaps Josephine would like to meet my hateful neighbor. She yells at me ALL THE TIME, especially when I'm stealing her Sunday paper.

dailydisastergirl: That's in my Netflix queue. I'm sure last night was a fluke and he doesn't look so...Indigo Girl-y all the time. I hope.

vanilla: Uh huh. You're the reason I'll be showing ID when I go back for tan session #2.

lacochran said...

I thought spray on tan is what the hip kids are doing...? Thanks for the David D. shtick. LOL!

Kristina said...

Hopefully your revealing dress isn't assless because those tan circles would just be embarrassing, unlike an assless dress without the tan circles.

margottobed said...

whyyyyyyyy does everyone need our most personal information to sign up for anything these dayss.. wtf.

have you seen this? http://www.marriedtothesea.com/090506/carried-your-chips.gif

Hollywood Sucker said...

I went through an ill-advised tanning phase a few years ago. I think it was because I got to hang out in a nice warm bed when it was the dead of winter.

Anyway, I went regularly for about three months, until I realized I was the exact same pale color. Then I gave up.

So I guess I mean, I feel your pain.

surviving myself said...

You watched the entire game????

I think Uggla needs a hug, don't you?

Ms. Pink said...

David Duchovny does! When I get mad at my bf I call him a lesbian. Ps. David Duchovny is amazing in Califorication.

Jenn N Butter said...

"jenn n butter: Perhaps Josephine would like to meet my hateful neighbor. She yells at me ALL THE TIME, especially when I'm stealing her Sunday paper."

You would think that they would be greatful to have us around... seriously!

Perfectly Shelly said...

SERIOUSLY, DDOOONNNN'TTTTT get a spray tan. You'll be SO MUCH lovlier with your pale,creamy skin, instead of blotchy, weirdly placed spray tan solution skin.

PLEASEEEEEE don't go that route. You'll regret it.

On second thought, go ahead, then I can say I TOLD YOU SO when YOU blog about your spray tan fiasco just like I did.

Penelope said...

Hello! I stumbled here via a friend's shared feeds and I have cried with laughter for most of the morning. I can't remember the last time someone made me laugh this hard.
You are truly a writing genius!
I'll be back, or some such bollocks ;o)

Mickey said...

Duchovny did look a bit off but his little monologue was pretty sharp. Now that you mention it, he could pass for a Degeneres there.

Beverly said...

Note to self: ask hubby to please go and rename our network. Labia? Cunt? Porno Portal? I'm thinking that the neighbors would really like those. I'm inspired!

The Alleged Ringleader said...

I'm in a wedding coming up next weekend and I need to do the same @ the tanning salon! I don't know what the deal is with the need for fingerprint and social, wtf??

Katelin said...

you are hilarious! the shoes thing is pretty awesome, as is finger printing at a tanning salon. i guess there's a first for everything.

P.O.M. said...

A ballsack in the building? Maybe he's single. Maybe he's tall. Maybe he likes your type of music and is funny. Hmmm the possibilities are endless. I think you need to do some ballsack investigating.

Phil said...

And here I thought I was the only one who thought David Duchovny looked a bit like a dyke who couldn't quite master that masculine quality. But when I try to picture him in a studded leather jacket, I just shudder.

ashley said...

I hope your butt skin feels better soon. Next time, you should definitely go for the Sex Magnet.

"David Duchovny has started to look like a forty-year old lesbian".. I will never look at him the same.

Stephanie said...

Hooray for Ballsack!

yoritomo said...

Pale for liiiiife!

Seriously, if you think YOU aren't tan enough you must wonder why i still have eyes and how i keep my angler fish lantern hidden in public.

I'd be more concerned with back thickness if i were you...

Oh, and d, capslock is cruise control for cool.

aarontodd said...

"My son, my precious child,
I love you and I would never leave you, but
During your times of trial and suffering,
When you see only one set of footprints,
It was those assholes made the 'shoes required' rule and I had to leave."

Laser Runner said...

Don't for the tan - stay pale and interesting. It's so much more healthy.

Laser Runner said...

Duh !!! - Don't go for the tan .....

nancypearlwannabe said...

Scan your fingerprint? What, are they some secret branch of the CIA cloaked in uber-tan orange teenagers?

The Clandestine Samurai said...

I seen "Gattaca", lmao.

Alexandreena said...

Damn, so you're saying I'll have issues stealing my 80-year old neighbor's identity for the purpose of skin cancer acquisition?

Fuck! Maybe I'll empty her bank account instead!

Kayleigh said...

Hi Ms. Money- first off, I'm so glad that you're back. Secondly you are dead on about David Duchovny. Wow.

And tanning beds? Ew. I used to be a T-bed whore, and then I gave it up. The smell of my skin just burning and melanoma-ing made me throw in the proverbial towel.


P.S. Let's make it a goal to discover the identity of Ballsack.

Joy @ Big Time Fancy said...

I love everything about this entry.
My at-home internet network is named "Whore Island" and we recently discovered that someone very close to us has named THEIR network "Archipelago of Sluts." I like their name better.

Victoria said...

I grew up swimming on a team (outdoors, in Southern California) 6 days a week, and I STILL got nicknamed "The Great White Meanie" (no joke) in 8th grade. I have finally accepted that there are two color palettes my skin can draw from: fishbelly to ghostly white or something in the pale pink to blistered red range. Note that at no point does it hit anything resembling "tan," or even "pale golden." Damn genetics.

Erica said...

When I was in college, I scammed internet off of an open wireless network called "placenta." Funny thing, though, is that there was an OB/GYN office in the vicinity and I lived across the street from the hospital. Hmmmm....

Ace said...

So, I've lurked around here for a long time...ever since I discovered your brilliant writing in the old House recaps (by the way, I miss you, House recaps...you never called...I cry myself to sleep at night).

Until now, I've been content to laugh on the sidelines, but then I came across this little tidbit from another author/blogger I like to read (written in TimeOut New York):

TONY: Dang. You’re not going to reveal anything about the X-Files movie, are you?
David Duchovny: Well, we’ve done a good job of keeping it quiet so far, so I don’t think I should ruin it now.

TONY: I strongly disagree.
David Duchovny: The idea behind that is that the kernel at the heart of the movie is surprising if you don’t know it.

TONY: Surprising like The Crying Game?
David Duchovny: Yes. Mulder’s a woman. Oh shit—it slipped out! No, not like that so much. More conceptual. And a concept that I think is fun to discover in the theater rather than going in knowing, Oh, that’s what this is about.

You may be on to something after all...

SF said...

whats with your tanning place? sounds creepy! :)

ff19zwife said...

So I just stumbled across your blog today, as a random "I'll read from this person" today of of twenty-something bloggers....I must say...I love your way of thinking....I'll be back!!!

lfar said...

Hi
"selected because I could see it from the McDonald's parking lot where I was enjoying a pair of SnackWraps"

Are we best friends yet? Because good god, we should be

Becca Jaffe said...

OMG David is turning into Ellen!

Tuffy said...

I bought one of those Sex Magnets and it hasn't worked worth a damn. Why, if anything, it's been repelling...

.... aw CRAP. I had it pointing the wrong way! Dammit.

yoritomo said...

Yeah in my imagination the sex magnet product was pretty sweet looking. Needless to the say the link was a bit of a let down.

Sarah Elizabeth said...

SSN & finger prints? Really? Wow that is some high-profile tanning!

Thank goodness you didn't give them the information or else you might've had to use Ballsack as your permanent internet source!

JC said...

I laughed so hard at ballsack, I farted. At work. And it smelled. Thanks...

(Hi, I'm new here.)

Claudel said...

lovely blog