Saturday, July 05, 2008

Blocked

I'm taking a break from my normal Saturday night activities--googling "pictures + unicorns + kissing", drinking Sprite Zero, and sobbing--to check in on my neglected little blog. If this site were a child, Social Services would've already been called by a well-meaning neighbor and my face would be blurred out on the local news. I haven't done anything stupid lately--save for thinking I could pull off skinny jeans--which means fewer words for me to spill on the internets. So drop a comment and help me out... what can I write about? What do you want to know? What do you like reading?

From me, I mean. If you say "Mitch Albom books" not only can I not help you, I'm not sure we can be friends.

50 comments:

Dexter Colt said...

It is readily apparent that you've achieved a significant level of blogger popularity, so whatever you write is going to be received well.

I blogged mostly rants for the better part of 4 years. And, surprisingly, I eventually got tired of ranting like a maniac every post. This ended in me deleting my archives (twice), as I wanted to "reinvent" myself. Now, I just try to blog whatever is on my mind...much to the displeasure of my readers I'm sure.

One thing I did- to break the monotony- was to write stream-of-consciously for 5 minutes. I have yet to blog a winning post using this format, but it is a work in progress.

You're a funny blogger, but you don't always have to be funny. Now that you have blog power why not use your prestige to sell your misguided opinions to the world...

lettertotheworld said...

I just sent my friend a Hallmark card that says "Skinny jeans are for imaginary women and 12 year old boys." What an important message. It's probably worthy of billboards and bumper stickers too.

Phil said...

I have a sibling who keeps trying to push Mitch Albom on me. I'm so glad to know I'm not alone in that I just don't touch the stuff.

Studley said...

It's all good, J-Money. You have the Midas Touch when it comes to posting in the Blogosphere. I love reading it all.

The Peru trip intrigues me - any updates on preparations for it?

yoritomo said...

A) I don't know when you tried to pull of "skinny jeans" because i'm not exactly sure what qualifies. However, you've looked stunning in everything i've ever seen you in. Including that picture in the paper...oh wait that was just stunned that time.
B) A peru trip update would be well received.
C) Dexter sounds like a wise man to me-your posts don't always have to be well crafted comedy. Lot's of people are fans of you AND your comedy. They might take updates on either of those.
D) I would love to read a post about BFS3K from you. I don't know if you've already made such a post because i have the memory of a goldfish but my abs hurt the next day from hearing you talk about him and i do a lot of abs.

PS: dates = stories HINT HINT HINT...i'm just sayin.

deutlich said...

I pretty much dig any topic you feel is worth writing about -- although, I doubt that helps much

:(

poodlegoose said...

Hm, I've been pretty into Agatha Christie novels lately. Maybe you should write a mystery. But then someone would have to die, so I don't know how that would work.

Tuffy said...

Tell us about that one time when you were working a humanitarian mission in Sarajevo when you struggled against the simple-minded bureaucracy to bring aid to war orphans, nearly lost your life to small arms fire, and met a Frenchman from Doctors Without Borders that rushed to your aid and pulled the bullet from your thigh with his tools and your heart from your chest with his steely blue eyes.

You know, the last time you tried skinny jeans. Remember?

Hot Librarian said...

dude! there is so much love in these comments! Can you feel it? I can, big time. You know I love you because it is 4:45am in Maui, and I am using this early wakeup brought to you by jet lag to offer my suggestions:

Try digging in the past. 99% of your readers haven't heard your stories from college and other pre-blog days. J-Money flashbacks would surely be well received. I recall several blog worthy dates involving the son of a VA car dealer and a man who was really a muppet.

Also, I don't really give a shit about your Peru trip as South America bores me and you're probably going to help orphans or something similarly lame, but I AM interested in hearing about your upcoming trip to our nation's capital and it's outlying suburbs.

lacochran's evil twin said...

How about "pictures + unicorns + kissing"? Color me intrigued.

So, to quote every after school special, the answer was inside of you all along.

J-Money said...

dexter colt: My misguided opinion is that someone should hire me to write things. But that's only entertaining to read once, if at all.

lettertotheworld: That? Is stellar. And I like you a lot. Stupid Pete Wentz and his stupid 14 inch waist.

phil: Fight it, my friend. Fight it with everything that you have.

studley: Actually, there have been some developments. That's a great idea...

yoritomo: Are you for real? Because, seriously, you're the type of guy that they promised us in young adult novels.

deutlich: No, that makes me feel good, that someone is entertained. Save for Pigpen, and my efforts at amusing him tend to end with him burying my hand in his mouth.

poodlegoose: I'll REALLY have to be out of ideas before I start killing people.

tuffy: Jesus. He was Irish. Keep up, would you? Also, these suggestions aren't supposed to be written better than my entire blog, mkay?

hot librarian: Really a muppet? I'm drawing a blank on that one. I used to drink a lot, remember? There's always Blind Date With A Banshee too. And...Maui? I should've married the Bird Man.

lacochran's evil twin: Yes, the answer and half a box of Indiana Jones cereal.

sassafrasjunction said...

I have it on good authority that Mitch Albom sucked the cock of satan to get his first book published. Either that or he banged Oprah. I can't remember which.

Essentially Me said...

Why not make stuff up?

Or maybe you can write about what you're eating on a daily basis.

Or about whether or not you agree with your horoscope. And why.

You're a funny blogger so how about you change it up and write something depressing?

I don't know ... I have a hard time deciding what to write on my blog.

Whatever you write, though, is sure to be a winner!

:)

Stephanie said...

You're very funny, I'm sure whatever you talk about would be amusing. I have trouble thinking of things to write on my own blog..
And Mitch Albom..i'll pass. ;)

yoritomo said...

The hot librarian would love to hear about the peru trip even though she doesn't know it!

Would guys from young adult novels have been up till 6 am last night watching highlander online? I think not! Well...i'm sure there were minor characters, unimportant guys from the nerd category, i don't know.

But surely you jest? Here i'll prove my point irl.

Your Ill-fitting Overcoat said...

I agree on Dates as Subject Matter (okcupid & craigslist are your friend slash enemy). I also agree that digging into your past can be a good source for hilarity/heartbreak.

Gracie Lane said...

Spend your blocked time writing a press release explaining to the world about this new blogging phenomenon (you) who has taken the internet by storm. Then you get a fake name so you can pretend to be a journalist (not you) and send it to Oprah. She'll then have you on the show (not as the journalist; as yourself) and you're on the yellow brick road from then on.

Andrea N said...

Oh yeah...I'd love to hear more about Peru too.

And I truly love tales from shoe sales...

Melissa said...

But ... Tuesdays with Morrie? The Five People You Meet in Heaven? That's some good shit there.

However, if neither is readily available, I absolutely agree with Hot Librarian - dig in the past!

mindy said...

Monkeys. Write about monkeys.

moxie said...

I just bought a buncha new books at Half Price. From my selection, I put forth the following writing prompts:

- string theory
- media's effects on society
- the mating habits of Caribbean reptiles
- ancient burial grounds
- Texas barbeque recipes

I'll expect a one page rough draft on my desk tomorrow morning.

The Clandestine Samurai said...

Dig into the college years. Sorry, I didn't have any real suggestions, I just wanted to join the fray and comment. You're super funny by the way.

Dexter Colt said...

"My misguided opinion is that someone should hire me to write things."

What are your rates? And do you think you could make my life sound interesting?

Christy said...

=) You know I can't resist a chance to comment on your blog...& naturally I'd have to say (at the risk of sounding ridiculously repetitive) that anything you write will be well received & anxiously awaited! But to be of actual assistance? Well...Hmmm...

Some recent things on my mind: Why is it necessary to put things like "do not ingest" on things that you obviously WOULDN'T want to ingest (like body lotion) unless you were wayyy underage & couldn't read the warning label anyhow? Or why people shoot fireworks at midnight AFTER the 4th of July? Or how far can Murphy's Law take it that when you finally crave that box of mac & cheez, you have no milk or butter to make it w/?! & why is there never a box of Velveeta Shells & Cheese (w/the pre-made sauce) when this happens?!!?!? But I slightly digress.

& Dexter Colt is onto something here...we could all pay you to write our blogs & then you wouldn't have to really worry about your own! =) That would work for me, too...but I think my (very few) readers would catch on eventually. Anyway, GOOD LUCK!!!

Rachel said...

I tried on skinny jeans a few weeks ago, and I could barely even get them on. It was TERRIBLE!

nuttycow said...

Who's Mitch Albom?

Anyway. Er... why not write about... chickens, diet coke, carrots, tennis and a compass. In no particular order.

AK said...

Mitch Albom!!! I had to read one of his books for class, and I only got half way through it. You have good sense not to touch the stuff.

Max said...

How about the time you texted someone you had a crush on for three days straight without realizing that you misprogrammed his name into your cell phone and the person you were actually texting was someone who you had no interest in whatsoever but who had a crush on you for going on ten years, and who wrote a song about you? Oh, wait, that was MY weekend. It would still be funny to write about though.

surviving myself said...

But Mitch's works are so tender!

Your Ill-fitting Overcoat said...

@ Max -
That story sounds amazing! I'm off to YOUR blog to see if you explained!

Your Ill-fitting Overcoat said...

Ok, Max doesn't have a blog. I think that means the story is fair game for adaption, J-Money.

JustinS said...

If it involves midgets, I'm happy.

Or monkeys.

And though I've never seen a midget monkey, I imagine they're pretty fucking spectacular.

Perfectly Shelly said...

See, you could write about ANYTHING and it would be funny---I check your site a bazillion times every day looking for new posts----you could even discuss breathing, and somehow it would be hysterical.

You could tell us more about your job (hopefully you didn't get fired for walking out on the gangrene scar), or your ADORABLE dog, or whatever happened to your gymcrush......

You could discuss how your newest bestest internet friend, perfectlyshelly has a great blog too and she desires HUGE numbers of comments to rival yours......

just a thought.

Max said...

YIFO - not yet, but if crap like this keeps happening I'll have to start one just to keep my head from exploding. Interpret away!!

P.O.M. said...

Any updates with Gym Crush?

yoritomo said...

I swear to god that is not even me...

Matt the Great said...

Shark Week is in twenty short but long days. Just saying.

Also, your blog is missing erotica. Gay erotica would be appreciated, but any erotica will help.

Vanilla said...

You know what your blog needs? More cowbell. Also, posts about how much marathon running sucks because I seem to be edging closer and closer to running one and I could use someone to talk me down.

Katelin said...

i love mitch albom books. that is definitely a great place to start. :)

chia said...

You should go man shopping at the grocery store. Some of my best writing comes right after awkwardly attempting to communicate with a man in produce.

Me (holding 2 cantaloupes): "I never could figure out how to tell if these are ripe."

But really, I love your man stories.

alexisexplainsitall said...

Because I love hearing about PigPen, how's he doing? Have you been going to the gym?

What are your thoughts on leggings?

Dr. The Bird Man said...

Important question for AK:

Who the eff is assigning Mitch Albom books for CLASS? As a former English teacher, this seriously offends me.

Dr. The Bird Man said...

And this is the Hot Librarian posting, not Dr. The Bird Man... somehow he's hijacked my google account.

Paula said...

How about your opinion on famous people who WEAR skinny jeans and let us think that us mere mortals can get away with it too? Bitches.

lathan said...

Did you ever go back to the shoe store?

Lilo said...

Pigpen... Stories or pix I like it all... The boxer beast wins.

margottobed said...

haha i agree on the blog neglecting... much easier to maintain when i'm without a life...

now that i've neglected it i'm trying to resussitate and regain some readers

MizFit said...

jen lancaster.

adorelovewannaBEher.

Ms. Pink said...

skinny jeans make me look like the fat Judd sister... ps. you're the winner of an award! Come over an pick it up!

Anonymous said...

I know it's a little heavy for this site, but how about your memories of Carlin? I know how much he used to mean to you, so I know you took that news as hard as I did.