Thursday, July 31, 2008

Employees Must Wash Hands

There is a bar/restaurant hybrid here that I adore for a number of reasons*, including the fact that you can add bacon to any entree including those that already feature bacon as a co-star; because they will serve you a still-bleeding burger and allow you to hold it aloft, marveling at its meaty perfection like Rafiki presenting Simba to Pride Rock; and because they have a jukebox that features four flippable pages of Bocephus selections but nothing by any band who has ever soundtracked your trip into an Abercrombie dressing room.**

The most entertaining feature for me is the unisex bathrooms***, two single-seaters located disturbingly close to the kitchen that always have sanitation levels somewhere between 'Exxon station' and 'gypsy colony'. The unisexers offer amenities rarely found in a Girls Only restroom, things like matches, hand-lettered lists of local sluts****or a wad of pages from the JCPenney intimate apparel advertisement, crumpled and discarded beneath the sink. But then--in an equal opportunity display of defiance--there are times when you walk in and almost step on a stray hair extension, stretched and flattened across the tile like a copperhead that recently met the underside of a Camaro.

Yesterday while waiting for my Bacon, Pimiento Cheese and Bacon Burger to land, I excused myself to the restroom. I was sitting there trying to coax my bladder into performing--since it frequently freezes up in public like a shy six-year old in her dance recital debut--when I noticed that someone had etched "AREOSMITH RULES" in two inch letters on the toilet paper dispenser.*****This is my favorite kind of rock fan, the kind that is passionate enough to vandalize private property but who can't be bothered to learn the correct spelling of the band's name.

I scrubbed my hands, coloring them the angry shade of Crayola's Rosacea Red before paper-toweling the door handle. I walked out in time to catch the opening twang of "A Country Boy Can Survive", caught a double-barreled blast of bacon and beef coming from the grill, and wondered why I ever go home.

* The only negative is that they're one of the few restaurants that still allows smoking, so yesterday's meal was taken across from a guy with knuckle tattoos who tried to make eye contact with other diners as he snapped the filters from his cigs. Satisfied that he'd made a scene, he'd light it and drop it deliberately in the corner of his downturned mouth before returning to his reading, a biography of Charles Schulz. I can't make this shit up.
** In the past month, someone finally peeled the "New & Hot" sticker from the cover of 1989's Full Moon Fever.
*** The doors used to be decorated with both of the familiar male n' female shitter silhouettes, but the male one disappeared and rather than replace it, someone helpfully drew a penis that dangles below the hem of the woman's skirt. For some reason, this always makes me think of Jamie Lee Curtis.
**** That list is updated more frequently than most Wikipedia pages and is quite possibly more accurate.
***** In a related story... Aerosmith? Really?

28 comments:

Signal to Noise said...

I firmly believe that bacon counts under the "fruits and vegetables" portion of the food pyramid.

Or at least it should.

Tuffy said...

I look forward to the next installment of your continuing series, "Local Bathrooms I Have Known". Next stop: the Citgo down the street.

Shieldmaiden96 said...

Someone took the trouble to paint 'Ted Nugent Lives' in five foot high red letters on a bridge I pass frequently. I like to think Ted was in town, perhaps a concert at SUNY Binghamton or Tag's (a local bar with a stage where all the best classic rock bands with 20% or less of their original members remaining get their fifth wind), and was cheered by the news.

Lora said...

I'm glad you made that Jamie Lee reference. I'm somewhat obsessed with the fact she has an alleged penis and when I talk about it in small groups (it happens a lot) people are shocked and appalled and pretend like it isn't common knowledge. Are we the only ones that really know?

JustinS said...

Mmmm... Bacon...

Reminds me of that one Jack in the Box commercial: "Everything tastes better with bacon. Especially bacon."

When I ride my bike to work, I'm usually pretty tired/sweaty/wishing I'd avoided all that fatty animal goodness over the past few years when I pull in to the parking garage under the building. Unfortunately, the bike rack is about ten feet from the back door to a cafe that, around that time, is fryin' up thick slabs of juicy goodness for the breakfast rush.

I hate them.

GorillaSushi said...

Did you know that Jamie Lee filed patent for a modification of a diaper with a moisture proof pocket containing wipes that can be taken out and used with one hand. Is that something you need when you have both boy/girl parts?

Captain Steve said...

Jamie Lee Curtis has a penis? How did I not know this?

ÄsK AliCë said...

My ex used to eat bacon with EVERYTHING. Now I love me some bacon but when you are wrapping it around fries (one of his favorite meals), putting it on chicken wings and slicing it up for a midnight snack - you have a problem. And he was thin!

Also I had my suspiscions about Jamie Lee...

Kaeti said...

I'm emailing you something really special.

WontonSushi said...

Jamie Lee Curtis was born a hermaphrodite. I know this because my best friend in high school was a hermaphrodite and the actress was her idol. Side note, hermaphrodites can still become pregnant if they have the right amount of working parts either way. Maybe some day "one of them" will be born with enough working junk too, and society will get its first super-inbred. Yes, it will happen in the south, and I'm going to go out a limb and say that for lunch that day, the scientists making the freak show possible will be having a bacon sandwich. That's bread, cheese, crispy bacon, canadian bacon, crispy bacon, more cheese and the final slice of bread! Go MEAT!

Joy @ Big Time Fancy said...

I need to move into this bar.

Phil said...

My favorite public bathroom of all time is at an Irish pub in a lake town in Minnesota. It has a trough for a urinal.

bex said...

hotdogs wrapped in bacon are pretty bomb too. with butter.

Jenn N Butter said...

1. The vegan in me is grossed out by your bacon, the meat eater in me is wondering why the vegan keeps biting her. Go figure.

2. All time best bathroom is the unisex bathroom in RICE. Actually a really awesome restaurant in New York City. The bathroom is awesome because there are well placed, little round mirrors all over the walls that tend to give you an interesting view of exactly what it is you are doing in the bathroom. (Whit was disappointed because he was too tall to see it, but his step mother thought it was hilarious and insisted that we all should go in to have a pee. True story)

Jenn

Jack said...

Unisex bathrooms are funny. I remember I was washing my hands when a drunk guy in a stall started FREAKING OUT because he saw the discreet little trash can for feminine hygiene products and he thought he'd walked into the wrong bathroom.

Reluctant Runner said...

What about spam? Can you get a bacon, spam, pimento, spam and bacon burger?

On a side note, my two adolescent sons were given bacon mints as a joke. They are now their favorite candies. I should probably apologize now to any future girlfriends -- if they ever manage to attract them.

Angela said...

I probably wouldn't use that bathroom unless it was an absolute emergency.... The intimates section of the catalog, lying on the floor like that? Skeeves me out!

ladyH said...

Must agree with wantonsushi. I have always wondered if one was a hermaphrodite with proper mommy and daddy parts, could self pregnation happen? Glad to see someone else was thinking the same thing and that makes me not a weirdo, I hope.

The hair extention thing made me die. My old roomie and I got some and our apartment was scattered with what could only be described as the aftermath of any Marilyn Manson love tryst.

Keep up the good work

Victoria said...

Bacon. My friend bacon. My friends prosciutto, jamon serrano and other fatty pork products as well.

The Clandestine Samurai said...

Hey, come on. I love Areosmith, especially their smash hit "I Dno't Want To Miss A Tihng"*

*co-written by someone with dyslexia.

UrbanVox said...

huahuahuahua
Girl... you are hilarious!!! :)

ME loves bacon!!!!
Where's this place?!?!?!?!?!?!

Erica said...

I just stumbled upon your blog and I wanted to thank you for making me laugh out loud at work so much that I am now "not allowed" to surf the web in my free time! :) I will continue to do so anyway! If I ever need something funny written, I'll definitely hit you up!

Matt said...

I wonder how that Charles Shultz worked out for him...

Alya said...

Public bathrooms *shudder*.. My bladder would rather burst than "go" at any public/restaurant/airplane/whatever type of bathroom other than my own.

I tried.. but it just wont. Any tips?

Tassie Rosamond said...

I have never been in an establishment that has unisex bathrooms. I think that would be weird. On a side note....I love your blog!!!!

Alice said...

How would you feel if I just left an "I f***ing love you" every time I read one of your posts, rather than try to come up witha clever comment. Hmmm?

You're that good.

Alice said...

Mmmm...bacon.

Andy said...

is that list available online as well? is my mom still on it?

I bet you that once a day, someone orders a bacon burger with extra bacon... and a diet Coke.