Friday, August 08, 2008

Page 90

I've been a long-time subscriber to ESPN the Magazine* and have a closet full of free-with-paid-subscription polar fleeces to prove it. When I opened this week's issue--the one with an an uncomfortable close-up of swimmer Michael Phelps' open mouth on the cover, a photo that shows his bottom teeth jutting out of his gums at irregular angles like houses built on a hillside**--I had no idea that there was a surprise waiting for me inside. And, unlike the last time I found something unexpected in a magazine, this isn't the crushed thorax of what was either a giant locust or an unfortunate fairy.

Actually, let's make this an interactive post. If you have a copy, grab it now. If you don't, either rescue one from the recycle bin, steal it from your dentist's office, or make a trip to your neighborhood Borders, staying only long enough to buy the issue and maybe listen to a lesbian sing an acoustic song about sensible shoes and astrology.

OK. Now all together--NO SPOILERS--let's flip to page 90, the last page of the article about Boston's snack-sized second baseman Dustin Pedroia. There's a crowd shot of a girl holding up a handmade sign that says "Team of Dustin-y", a clever-if-dorky homage to the Sox.

That girl? Me.

Last October, my friend and fellow Soxaholic Texas Gal*** and I USAired our way to Denver to watch games 3 and 4 of the United States and One Canadian City World Series, when our beloved Sawx played the Rockies. As I wrote then:

I was there at the games, waving around a "Team of Dustin-y" sign that neither got the attention of second baseman Dustin Pedroia nor made it on television. It did, however, ensure that I'll spend baseball's offseason alone, eating mini-corndogs and re-enacting scenes from the playoffs with my collection of McFarlane figures.
Almost ten months later, I realize that my sign did catch the attention**** of someone--Mr. Rob Tringali, according to the photo credit--forcing an estimated circulation of two million to gaze uncomfortably at my ridiculous striped sweater.

Confidential to My Sweater: Thank you for making strangers think that I dress like Jack Skellington. While admittedly you look adorable over a tank, under that Boston road jersey you made me look like a failed sequel to the Where's Waldo series, Where's Wanda, Waldo's Sister the Longshoreman? I remember reluctantly pulling you out of my bag after the temperature dropped to a degree hinted at in Coors commercials, when my choice was either to shiver, wear you, or spend the equivalent of a Subaru to purchase an oversized Series hoodie. I'll never forget this betrayal... but I might forget you in the Goodwill drop box at the grocery store.

I've never been in a national magazine before. So far, my only flirtation with celebrity was winning a Captain D's coloring contest when I was in the third grade...and I still think the reason I got that ribbon was less because my burnt umber was the best and more because several of the other participants used boogers.

No one pays attention to these things--other than my parents or Michael from Orioles Insider, who was the first person to pick me out of the crowd--but if I ran into Zoltar, I'd wish I'd been immortalized in ESPN looking less goofy, less stripe-y...less like me. I would've selected this***** shot:

It could be worse though... I could be that dude in front doing the Macarena. He looks like an ass.

* Not to be confused with ESPN the Family of Networks, ESPN the Shitty Cellphone Application, or ESPN the Overpriced Restaurant That Refuses to Serve Potato Skins.
** Subscribers got a slightly different cover. Snarled teeth or not, the entire time I'm watching him in the Olympics, I'll be thinking about what type of dairy products I would like to lick off the broad sweep of his shoulders.
*** The cascading blonde hair beside me? Texas Gal.
**** Despite the fact that there was a WORLD SERIES GAME being played, I still managed to make eye contact with a camera man. I've now successfully earned my Publicity Whore badge. Troop #2494 represent, yo.
***** I stole my head from a New Year's Eve picture in which I replaced my former boyfriend with Hugh Laurie. What's even sadder? If I had a job that required a desk, that Photoshoppery would be on proud display.

42 comments:

Perfectly Shelly said...

Now, that to me is TOO COOL. To randomly open a magazine and find that YOU are in it?

I couldn't be more proud if I were your Mother.......or Boxer.

Essentially Me said...

Ha! That's awesome!

Jenn N Butter said...

Finally some recognition. Great pick of you and Hugh. You can hardly tell that it's photoshopped.

Jenn

Gilahi said...

So should we be looking for you in the next Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue?

Vanilla said...

That's Great! Congrats on getting published in a major magazine??

Rachel said...

WOW! That is really cool. I can't imagine how I would feel if I opened up a magazine and saw my picture. I could only hope that it would be a good one. :)

rs27 said...

I would have gone with Pedroia Paranoia Party People.

But the sign wasn't big enough.

bodelou said...

i am impressed. i too subscribe to espn mag. you made it not only to my gmail reader, but also my mailbox.thats pretty damn impressive.

my only brush with magazine/newspaper fame was a horrible close up of my pre-teen self, boobless and awkward, mid-clap and scream at a boyband concert in the summer of '98. hell yeah to the chicago trib, for featuring my worst features during the worst years of my life while listening to one of the worst bands in history. for that reason, and that reason alone, i refuse to subscribe to the paper. EVER!

allthewine said...

This sounds like a dream come true, only in my dream Miguel Cabrera would open the magazine, demand to know who I was, and track me down... the rest is for my dreams and not a public forum.

allthewine said...

this would be a dream come true for me. And then Miguel Cabrera would see it and ask the photographer for my information and track me down....

JustinS said...

And here I was waiting for the Welch, WV reference when you mentioned the "irregular angles like houses built on a hillside."

Because I'm sure now that everything in that book was gospel.

Melanie said...

How awesome!

Alice said...

So cool. You should be picked up by them or Sports Illustrated as a write. Famousity!

margottobed said...

hahah congrats on your print media debut.

Schmutzie said...

You are being featured on Five Star Friday:
http://www.fivestarfriday.com/2008/08/five-star-friday-edition-18.html

Robbie said...

Have you got that framed yet? I think the hall would be best place for it.
PS love the sleeves

Andy said...

so many things to love about this post, but I can't get my mind off that crushed fairy. Maybe if we all start clapping together, she'll get back up! C'mon! (awkward silence...) Nobody? (more awkward silence, all too much like my middle school years)
I'm glad we're in the same whore troupe. I'll get you a sash soon. Our best-selling cookies are made with flashed crotches, wardrobe malfunctions and celebrity hookups.

Didn't I see your face on a post office wall before?

Non Sequitur Chica said...

I was at game 3 myself!!!!

SA said...

Holy crap TG has a lot of hair.

Congrats on random magazine appearance.

GorillaSushi said...

You could always auction off the striped sweater on eBay (now that you're famous).

OI said...

It's because I'm in love. I was walking by the news stand in Chicago and thought "I think I smell J-Money".

And I did.

hautepocket said...

You're basically a celebrity now, you know that, right? :)

Tuffy said...

I had the same experience once in Bestiality Weekly.

Phil said...

I was lost until you made reference to Michael Phelps. I can relate to swimming. And hot guys.

Monkey said...

Now that is hilarious!!

Dexter Colt said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Dexter Colt said...

That's awesome. I made the Waldo connection about 2 seconds before you mentioned it. But, hey, you're in a magazine! Cool.

I was once interviewed at a Cleveland Indians game. I was 12. That was a good as it ever got for me.

The Clandestine Samurai said...

Surprise indeed. Congratulations on your new found popularity, Jack Skellington.

Lyla Lou said...

awww, I think the striped sweater is adorable! You are too cute!

Lone Butterfly said...

J-Money - I read your blog daily (and if you haven't updated - I generally read the same post over again). I love your recaps over at TVgasm.

And today, today I am going home to open my ESPN the Magazine and say (loudly, so my cat can hear me and be jealous): "HEY! I KNOW THAT GIRL!"

Thank you for your constant humor. You make my day.

The NY Kid said...

I literally just read that piece this morning, and when I got to the picture thought "that sign sounds familiar", which was immediately followed by a triple-take as I recognized you.

You're quite the superstar.

- BTO

Tracer Bullet said...

If I was going to make a list of magazines where I'd want to find Joan, ESPN wouldn't be on it. Playboy? Yes. Penthouse? Yes. Cat Fancy. Without question!

Paula said...

How many people have ever managed to use the phrase "I stole my head" in a blog post??? Classic... :)

nancypearlwannabe said...

Pedroia is Chris's favorite player! This picture is going right on the fridge.

Craig said...

Oh why did I see this post after the day when I busted open my new Dyson DC-17 and went on the mother of all condo cleaning binges? I just dug through two bags of trash, including the one that had all of the Dyson fuzz and dust, to see if I could still find it, but alas, it was for naught. That said, awesomeness.

Christy said...

ESPN Mag is in the bathroom...I'm so looking in the morning! Way proud of you & your debut!!! Congrats!!!!!!! =)

SJ Goody said...

That is awesome. Yet, what is more awesome is that you were at the World Series...

soxfankam said...

I've been lurking around your blog the last few weeks. Usually it's one of your tiny, obscure references to something funny that makes the (hot) coffee I'm drinking shoot out my nose at work. Today I can say that I'm officially a fan of yours, especially after learning of your die-hard devotion to the Sox and Dustin Pedroia. He's so snuggly!

Jon said...

Wow nice work! I was referred here today because someone told me you were funny. Had they told me you were a Sawx fan, I would have been here even sooner..

Maxie said...

freakin sweet-- tyra would be proud of your eye smiling.

Eric (Extra P.) said...

It's like you're looking right through me!

What I'd like to know, is what is Texy saying to the person behind you?

1) "I'm sorry you can't see. We'll put it down as soon as a national media outlet notices us.

2) "My favorite Rockie of all time is Curt Leskanic. And yours?"

3) "Yes, that is her real ass. No, you can't touch it"

callmekp said...

You're hilarious and a Sox fan? And not just a Sox fan, but a devoted Pedey lover?

My hero.