Monday, August 18, 2008

Pigment

Let's ignore for a moment why I would've been googling "albino animals" and focus instead on what I found when I fell into a site dedicated to albino squirrels. This bushy-tailed bit of nightmare fuel was waiting for me as I scrolled down the page.
After being thankful that I wasn't forced to stare into his unblinking pink retinas and assuming that whatever he's clutching in his wretched little paws is something he plucked from a human eye socket, I noticed the hard-hitting journalism in the picture's caption. The final sentence says that the squirrel was given the name Snowy "as its appearance resembles the white snow". Hang on, Bob Woodward...there could be other reasons, such as:

---Because 'Snowy' was a better option than 'Milky'. Milky Squirrel sounds like an item you'd see listed in the menu of the run-down Asian restaurant sandwiched in a strip mall between a Dollar Tree and a chiropractor's office.
---Because gnarly snowboarders frequently launch themselves off the squirrel's ramp-like skull in search of gnarly air while attempting to land a gnarly trick called the Gnarlito's Way or Gnarmometer or Gnarwhale or something.
---Because the squirrel cannot be exposed to temperatures above freezing, direct sunlight, or that salty shit that old people sprinkle on their sidewalks from August until April.
---Because more than once a drunken Alpha Sig has tried to piss his name on Snowy's back, both in capital letters and in cursive.
---Because it is actually made of snow.
---Because other squirrels are racist.
_________
I apologize for this. I'm suffering the effects of Olympics Induced Sleep Disorder (OISD*). When given the choice between going to bed at an hour that ended in p.m. OR staying up all night to watch eighteen heats of kayaking, I think you know what door I took. International paddle-based competitions only come around every four years.

*No, that's not the contraceptive ring that some women shove into their utes. That would be an IUD...but thanks for playing.

25 comments:

Jess said...

OISD is a bitch and seriously chewing into workout time

The Clandestine Samurai said...

You know what? It's because other squirrels are racist. It's a conspiracy, man........a conspiracy.

Alexandreena said...

I have OISD too! I'm so happy I know what it is and have a name for it now. I shall go to my doctor now and see what sort of drugs I can get for it. This could be a lot of fun!

Gilahi said...

"the white snow"? As opposed to which other color of snow? If the squirrel had been yellow, would they have named it Frank Zappa or Pissy?

Andy said...

How come black squirrels aren't called Night Squirrels, then? And do they get along with the white squirrels?

Vanilla said...

Is it just me or does the caption also imply that it was actually the photograph that was found scavenging for nuts and not the squirrel?

Also, Squirrels are just rats with better PR.

Dr. The Bird Man said...

Alpha Sig Rules!!!

JustinS said...

I watched an hour of the women's marathon the other day.

Seriously. Reread that sentence and tell me I don't have a problem.

Oh, and to make my case that much more pathetic? Being on the West Coast, NBC broadcasts only about .00001% of the events live. Meaning that women's marathon? Yeah. Already knew who won. Pathetic.

Jack said...

Utes!

In Australia, that's short for "utility truck."

TC said...

Olympics Induced Sleep Disorder (OISD*).

OMG! I soooooooo am too! Well done with naming it though! Thank you!

Dazed and Confused said...

Love your blog... I have read back to January, and am close to reaching stalker status.

That white squirrel is just freaky. All he needs is dredlocks and he'd look like those twins in one of the Matrix movies. He undoubtedly could act better than Keanu Reeves. I could totally see him working the full length trenchcoat.
And I was SO happy to discover that Pigpen was named for THE Pigpen.

lacochran's evil twin said...

Don't order the Milky Squirrel. It doesn't sit well with the Seven Treasures Possum.

**Melissa** said...

I have OISD too. And I started thinking that maybe it's called snowy because it's friends with Snowwhite.

Tracer Bullet said...

Apropos of nothing, I've been reading through the archives and reached J-Money's TV audition video. First, our girl is surprisingly diesel (must be all the running) and her voice is surprisingly deep for a woman. These facts combined with her short hair and my time living in Las Vegas have made me somewhat suspicious. On the other hand, I still find myself attracted to her which has caused me to confront some personal issues I'd just as soon avoid.

Beverly said...

Gawd, I have OISD too. I've recently been working to get my bigass body into a shape that isn't quite as round, and have started a 10-week running program. I watched the women's marathon like I was looking for tips to run one tomorrow instead of this week's recomendation to run three minutes/walk three minutes,repeat five times and rinse. Tomescu was just awesome, although her abs and obliques were just this side of freakish.

J-Money said...

jess: OISD is chewing into workout time, coherent time, non-bloodshot eyes time...

clandestine samurai: YES. We should start a newsletter or something.

alexandreena: If that works, please let me know. Otherwise, you'll find yourself chugging Tylenol PM from the bottle at noon and wondering when the weather channel got so interesting.

gilahi: The fact that you made a Zappa reference makes me like you so insanely much.

andy: Please see above. Perhaps you too would like to write for our newsletter.

vanilla: Yeah, the squirrel/picture finder has some issues with syntax and also cognitive function.

dr. the birdman: Oh yeah they do... sand in the courtyard anyone?

justins: We've already discussed this, but yeah, I watched the whole thing. And will be watching the entire men's marathon. And then I'll wonder why I can't weigh 48 pounds and run a 5:10 mile.

jack: And isn't "utility truck" also slang for "uterus"?

tc: I do what I can...

dazed and confused: That wins comment of the day honors, for a number of reasons.

lacochran's evil twin: Yeah, you'll probably want to avoid the Heaven's Nest of Chipmunk and Lemongrass as well.

melissa: Also a valid argument...

tracer bullet: I'm not sure whether to be flattered or offended. Yes, I do tend to sound like Bea Arthur. It's a voice that carries onstage and off. And the short hair is because my scalp has chosen to sprout the thickest, straightest hair follicles this side of all three Brady girls. If I let it grow AT ALL, I look like I should be working the dart booth at a State Fair or singing songs about Jesus and sparrows. But--and you'll have to trust me on this--I'm all woman. Now tell your daddy to call me sometime.

beverly: Congrats on the running program! And yeah, she terrified me. She looked like a cross between a normal human and a He-Man action figure.

Tuffy said...

A contraceptive ring you shove in your uterus... a McGriddle?

Tracer Bullet said...

No, no. The one thing I miss, besides the food, since I left the south is women with that accent, so if you were to bat your eyelashes and call me "Puddin'" I'll pretty much run through a wall.

Now, if you'll let your hair get big and wear blue eyeshadow then I'm ready to make you Mrs. Bullet.

jg_38 said...

I have never seen one before this weekend, when we almost ran one over. We took it as a good luck sign. No one died over the weekend, so I think it's true!

The Lion said...

Oh the things we Google...

Julie_Gong said...

i pee my pants at the sight of that squirrel every time i come to your page.

Falwless said...

I have a terrible case of OISD, also. Seriously. Eff these Olympics. Eff them and their aggravating insistence that I watch hours upon hours of sports I couldn't even tell you the rules of.

And it never fails. By, like, the third hour I'm shouting coaching tips at my television, as if I have any idea what I am even talking about. "No no no, Mister Jamaican Sprinter, you have to STRAIGHTEN UP YOUR POSTURE AND STOP THE TURTLE-NECKING if you're hoping to shave any time off that piss-poor 400M! LIKE, HELLOOOOOO... are you an IDIOT?!?!"

Kayleigh said...

I feel like I don't have the correct words to convey how much this post made me laugh. And I too have a bad case of OISD, not to mention that I flippin' cried when Nastia Liuken took the gold in the all around.

Yes, I am aware of how pathetic that sounds.

Your Ill-fitting Overcoat said...

I love that you always reach for the more interesting joke. I always think you're going one place and I'm like, "HA! That's funny" and then you're like "UM NO ACTUALLY IT'S GONNA BE FUNNIER THAN THAT" and I'm like "Ok."

Me! said...

Lol, we had two albino squirrels at my college ... people formed a club to observe them and even tried to get the mascot changed to an albino squirrel ... I think they were all high ...