Tuesday, August 12, 2008

That Seems Reasonable

I just walked Pigpen the Boxerbeast and the final stop on his "Pee on Everything Within My Weiner's Reach" tour took us past a small Episcopal memorial garden, a tiny fenced square beside a weathered hulk of a church whose late occupants have somehow gained access to the champagne room of cemeteries. I've never seen anyone actually visiting the place--my guess is that it neither serves chai lattes nor has free wi-fi--but this morning there were two women within one tombstone of each other. The older one--who looked like Mrs. Butterworth in human form--was sitting on a small bench, clutching a leatherbound book that was probably stuffed with Psalms or poems. The other--dressed from upturned collar to kicks in Lily Pulitzer's trademark flamingo spooge color palette--was walking a long-haired dog of the decorative variety, the kind of pet you'd unhook from the leash, place on the sofa between the throw pillows and quite possibly replace with every passing season.

As the dog--whose name I never heard but I imagine it ended with an i--pranced from plot to plot, Mrs. Butterworth paused from her reading to say politely but firmly, "Ma'am, there are no dogs allowed in here."

Lily turned around sharply, her face contracting into its best impression of an anal sphincter and replied "She isn't a dog. She's my family member."

I immediately hated her and paused from scooping my own family member's clump of partially digested puppy food to see how this was going to unfold. Mrs. Butterworth closed her book onto her right hand, holding her place as she stood up a bit unsteadily. "Fine," she said, even louder. "But I would prefer if your family member didn't...SHIT on my family member." That word--and tone of voice--seemed to be as unfamiliar to her as pornographic films or women who wear pants. And that made it all the more powerful.

The other woman said nothing in response. She quickly grabbed her dog by its pink leather harness, tucked it into the curve of her arm and stomped out. Mrs. Butterworth sat back down, smoothed her hair, and caught me staring at her. I gave a hesitant wave--even though I wanted to start a slow clap--tugged at Pigpen's leash and kept walking.

33 comments:

Amy said...

Here, Here!

Ben said...

That rocks. I don't think I'd have the guts to go that far but I'm sure glad she did.

theloosemoose said...

Kudos to Mrs. Butterworth!

Kristina said...

I'm about to go for a run and always run faster when I have a little vicarious indignation in my pocket. Thanks for helping out! I love Mrs. Butterworth.

alexis said...

That was a good one! I'm the way that lady with the dog is except my cats don't play in cemeteries. They also don't leave my house, so the crazy stays in doors so it can't be spread.

bex said...

woo hoo! although i might have enjoyed it more if mrs. butterworth let out an expletive-laden tirade full of in-your-face pointing.

amindinmotown said...

I now love Mrs. Butterworth for more than her syrupy goodness.

Jess said...

haha wow that rocks! Go Mrs. Butterworth

Joy @ Big Time Fancy said...

Holy crap. I want to be friends with Mrs. Butterworth.

The Dutchess of Kickball said...

No Freaking Way. How do you not laugh in her face?

Shieldmaiden96 said...

People with matching-accessory dogs make me feel stabby.

ÄsK AliCë said...

Kudos to Mrs. Butterworth!

Adriane said...

It's always the quiet ones you have to watch out for...

Jennae said...

Mrs. Butterworth seems awesome

Becca Jaffe said...

i LOVE it. You go Mrs. Butterworth.

Andy said...

God I love Mrs. Butterworth. Do you think she gets it on with Mr. Clean, or the Quaker Oats guy? Hmmm. It would really sticky, that's all I know.

I gave your ESPN post a shout-out on my page, since you were semi-famous and all.

lacochran's evil twin said...

Awesome! :)

The Imaginary Reviewer said...

That's superb. I loved the pause for effect before "Shit".

By the way, I'm here because someone called Falwless sent me. I'm glad she did.

Alice said...

You go Mrs. Buttersworth!

daysgoby said...

hee!

The Clandestine Samurai said...

I'm glad she stood her ground. I'm tired of people thinking the world revolves around them.

WendyB said...

I can't take any of my human family members to the cemetery because they just poop all over everyone else's family. My dogs are well behaved though.

Phil said...

I've been caught staring at weirdness like that too. I hate it when people notice I'm ogling them, as it makes me feel guilty. Plus, I feel like I should look away, even though I really, really don't want to.

sassafrasjunction said...

That was my mom.

You should come over for pancakes sometime.

Somewhere In Between said...

I can't even get over how much I love your blog!! This post just cemented it as my absolute favorite!! Keep up the fabulous work :)

Perfectly Shelly said...

Anal Sphincter---MUWAHAHAHAHAHA.

I know some people that look like that too!!

Perfectly Shelly said...

HEYYYYYY-----I'm on YOUR blogroll.....thanks THANKS THANKS.......I appreciate it.......even though I ASKED you to (in my defense...she asked for people that wanted to be listed....really.....)....somehow that sort of makes it less of a big deal, but STILL....YOUR BLOGROLL!!! WOOT!

Jenn N Butter said...

I totally would have given her a standing ovation, told her that I thought she was amazing, then follow anal sphincter home and let Pigpen shit on her lawn. But that's just me.

Jenn

The Rambling Redhead said...

Bravo to Mrs. Butterworth! I'm glad she gave that woman a piece of her mind. (Stands up and applauds).

I remember once blasting a group of skateboarders for loitering in front of the local war memorial.

Becca said...

Mrs. Butterworth is most definitely my new hero.

My Life My Life My Life said...

I can not STAND when people let their 'family members' poop in my yard let alone marking their territory on a loved one's gravesite! I make sure my 'loved one' doesnt do it own theirs so dont let your dear 'family member' do it on mine...I've secretly wanted to do it in retalliation but my 'family member' drops bombs...if they find it... they know where to look....

stealthnerd said...

Omg. That's amazing. I'm SO glad that woman called her out on it. You go Mrs. Butterworth!!

Allie said...

I, for one, appreciate the fact that Mrs. Butterworth stood up before calling Lily out. Nice.