Monday, September 08, 2008

Las Picturas

This love note dropped into my inbox on Saturday morning and it's pretty much the greatest email I've ever received, save for the one that promised "REALASIANTEENGIRLSXXXHOTHOTDISCOUNTVIAGAGARAXXX". It's also way less disturbing than the notification I received that Skin Cancer was following me on Twitter.
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I was cruising the Missed Connections on Craigslist the other night, because I always hope that someone will have posted something about me, a couple of sentences about the shoe handler at the Foot Bucket*, the surly but sort-of partially attractive associate who returned his orthotics but kept his heart. Instead, I saw this which was even better:

Oddly enough, I read another post and realized that I know the guy that was being celebrated with run-on sentences, emoticons, and the irresistible closing line "see me if u like me." I actually have a thing for the same dude and occasionally see him at the gym or at the vet's or any other time I'm unwashed and/or holding a package of tick repellent. More than once, I've run past his house, intentionally spending time in his driveway adjusting the laces on my shoe and hoping he'll stop mowing the grass long enough to notice that I'm there, brushing the white crust from the corners of my mouth and trying to get his attention.

But writing a Missed Connex about him? That's just creepy**.
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Finally, Facebook decided to kick me in the place where balls would be, assuming I had balls.

In one tiny advertisment, it managed to remind me that I'm trick-or-treating at 30's house AND that I'm alone. Again. So what. I don't even CARE, Facebook. Being alone means that I could spend last night catching up on several episodes from the critically-acclaimed tedium of Mad Men Season 2 before feasting on a meal comprised entirely of Oreo Cakesters and Nilla Cakesters, the Ebony and Ivory of trans-fats.

Somebody read that and tell me that it makes them want to "suddenly pull away". Actually, don't. That's happened so many times before that if Facebook wanted to go for accuracy, the cartoon heart would have a set of skid marks on it.

Also, speaking of Facebook, you can now become a fan of this site. That means I'll know your real names so you might see me standing in your yard, tying my shoes. Again.

* Not the real name of the store, despite my repeated suggestions.
** And I wish I'd thought of it first. My syntax is way sexier.

22 comments:

Jen @ The Cubicle's Backporch said...

Facebook has ads on my page like "Get engaged TODAY" and ring advertisements. Don't they realize that Mr. C has commitment issues?! Fuckers.

Paula said...

My facebook always taunts me with the "28 and still single?" ads. It's my own fault for leaving the single status in my profile but why should I remove it??? It's my birthday next month so then I guess I'll be getting the "29" taunts too. :(

Jack said...

Dude, that email for the REALASIANTEENGIRLS was way better.

Alexa said...

the 28 and single ads get me EVERY TIME!!!

HATE.

Felicia said...

I get Great Expectations letters in the mail monthly and "30 and Single" emails EVERYDAY. First, I am 27 and second I like being single. Stop rubbing it in and trying to make me think I'm pathetic!!

Essentially Me said...

Wow, that's embarrassing. I was at Chuck E. Cheese on Friday and that missed connection was left by me. If the mouse hasn't seen it yet, then hopefully you putting it out there on your blog will help.

Dexter Colt said...

Facebook isn't any kinder when you're 34. After pelting me with you-suck-because-you're-single ads they finally kicked me in the balls with an ad that read, "What can you do about man boobs?"

I now want to fight that ad wizard.

thecusp said...

I simply pretend I've never heard of MySpace, Facebook or any of the rest of it. Even though I have and my husband keeps track of everything and actually responds to all of it. Avoid. Avoid. Fingers in cross shape in front of self. Avoid.

briansawyer.net said...

Man, I was really excited when I got the message that Obama was following me on Twitter, but now I see that he just follows everyone who follows him. I though we were friends!

Also, I guess when you're married, Facebook assumes you're happy but poor. My targeted ads are always something along the lines of "33 and Broke?"

J-Money said...

jen: I hope Mr. C gets Facebook ads that remind him of his commitment issues.

paula: Oh yeah. I reserved a seat for you at the "29" table.

jack: Actually, they weren't "real" Asian teens at all. The whole thing was done with mirrors.

alexa: I know. Stupid Facebook. How can something so smurfy be so effing SMURFY sometimes.

felicia: Great Expectations letters? Is Charles Dickens stalking you?

essentially me: If the mouse contacts me, I'll definitely forward his/her/its contact info.

dexter: That's horrible. I've heard that on Fightclubbook, the ads say "What can Bob do about bitch tits?"

thecusp: Let me know how that goes for you. I fully expect to see your status as "The Cusp is pretending to ignore Facebook".

briansawyer: You mean BARACK SENT THIS EMAIL TO EVERYONE? I feel so betrayed. Sigh.

lacochran said...

"I think you worked there...." Ha! I had no idea hot guys work at Chuck E. Cheese. I thought it's just wall to wall rugrats and bad pizza. Huh.

Cortney said...

Haha! You are hilarious! I LOVE the Chuck E Cheese ad. I'm sure the fury mouse will know EXACTLy which guy with a kid that is! I'm a new fan of your blog. :)

Heinous said...

Don't worry, you're never alone with the Internet. Barack evidently thinks I'm too lame to follow, so you're one up on me.

saratogajean said...

Barack and skin cancer? Talk about a mixed bag. I just hope cortney's fury mouse never catches up with you.

Perfectly Shelly said...

To hell with Twitter...I get PERSONAL e-mails from Barack, Michelle AND Joe.....themselves....writing to keep me abreast of important campaign issues.

Twitter is for sissys. Who can talk about the REAL issues in 140 characters or less?

emily said...

I get the Over 30 and STILL SINGLE? ad. And as if that weren't enough of a bitchslap, it continues Click here to meet other mature singles.

Worst of all, there's no way to exact revenge. Damn you, Facebook!

Liz said...

I keep getting the "need to lose a few pounds?" ads on Facebook. Meanwhile, no where on my profile does it say my weight or body type. Bitches! lol

Andy said...

facebook recently had an add of "Single and gay in the area?"
So, yeah, facebook thinks i'm gay. Maybe I'm missing something

The Alleged Ringleader said...

I too was SO EXCITED when I realized that Barack was following me!
That means that SOMEONE in his "camp" is listening to the randomness of us 20-30 somethings...
Maybe they will start caring about the REAL issues that affect us like: Waking up in the morning, going to work at my low paying job, hopes and dreams of meeting Hugh Laurie, our horrible hangovers, etc.

Obama rules.

wanderingtex said...

ooh i just got a twitter! i wish obama would follow me!!

Christy said...

That thing keeps coming up on the sidebars when I'm on Facebook too, and I don't get it b/c I'm 36 and married...apparently they have some information I don't.

Alya said...

LOL @ Barrak Obama and Skin Cancer!