Tuesday, September 30, 2008

See You At Seven

"Nice legs," he said. There's no way that comment was aimed at me so I ignored it, choosing instead to focus on tricep pressdowns and the power pop jangling out of my earbuds. "I said, you have nice legs", he repeated, surprising me with an elbow nudge. He was wearing a Titleist hat, khakis, and a weathered skin tone that comes from either a lifestyle involving fairways and divot repair or prolonged periods of unemployment. "I'm Mike," he said, extending a hand and giving me an overeager smile borrowed from one of the less photogenic Home Shopping hosts.

"J-Money", I replied, politely wiping the sweat on my shorts before shaking his hand. I was wary of him already because he was obviously a liar. Complimenting me on my scrawny pins--which give me the appearance of a cocktail wiener that's been speared by a pair of toothpicks--is like stopping Steve Buscemi to tell him how much you like his teeth.

"So. You come here often?"

I laughed out loud. Who says that, other than guys I can do without. I have a violent dislike of pick-up attempts, stemming from an unfortunate incident involving the line "I don't play basketball but you can call me Magic Johnson" which tells you 1) the caliber of dude I tend to attract and 2) approximately how long it's been since someone actually tried to pick me up. For the record, that's pretty much the worst line ever* that doesn't include the phrase "sharing needles" because not only did it force me to picture the undoubtedly unmagical penis laying dormant beneath his shorts, it also reminds me of HIV and--worse--THE LAKERS.

"So how old are you?" he asked, following me across the room to the weight rack.

"29", I replied, grabbing two plates and intentionally not looking at him. I'm not sure whether I was the first stop on his Magical Douchery Tour but here in the weight room his choices were limited to me, a guy who'd just finished throwing up in the towel return bin, or an elderly woman whose sole exercise seemed to be getting from one side of the gym to the other without crumbling to dust.

"Oh. You look 22." He put a ten on the other side of the bar, a gesture which burrowed under my skin like the ringworm I hoped was waiting for him in the locker room. "Seriously, I could've sworn you were 22." He sounded disappointed. "My daughter's 22."

Here's where I started to wonder which group home might be missing a resident.

I refused to encourage him and he eventually lost interest, like a cat who tires of batting around a dead bird. He let out an exaggerated sigh, pumped a liberal amount of hand sanitizer into his open palms, and walked out. I returned my attention to the sadly underrated songs of Don Dixon and resumed, like, totally blasting my triceps. The last exercise written on my schedule required me to go into the room with all the bright, shiny Nautilus equipment, where women with expensive activewear and oversized engagement rings softly count out reps on machines designed to prevent their husbands from dating the new secretary.

Mike was wandering a circuitous path around the room like Billy from the Family Circus if he grew up to wear Bugle Boy and a smirk. I watched him approach a petite older Dolly Parton-esque woman, and by that I mean she was obviously wearing a wig and looked like she'd enjoy the forced folksiness of Gatlinburg, Tennessee. And also she had tits the size of Igloo coolers. He offered to adjust the seat on her weight bench, which he did with an exaggerated flourish that made her giggle and made me feel the burn of my lunch taking a field trip up the back of my throat.

"Put it on the highest setting," she said, the long iii's slowly spilling out of her mouth like an application of the type of anti-itch ointments I assumed they were both familiar with. "I'm vertically challenged."

He paused and said--AND I WISH TO THE GOD OF YOUR CHOOSING THAT I WAS MAKING THIS UP--"So when I take you out to dinner tonight, we're going to need a booster seat?"

She laughed again, her embarrassment highlighting her rosacea. "If you're serious, I'll be ready by 7." She was beaming and he was so proud of himself he practically soiled his StainDefenders. I sat there, mouth dropping dangerously close to the floor, feeling as helpless as a cameraman on Meerkat Manor who just watched one of the meerkats get eaten by scorpions.

"Meet you out front at 7 then," he told her, touching her forearm lightly and bouncing out of the room. I started my last set of extensions and wondering whether to feel worse about my personal life or about theirs.

* If you have heard a line equally as cringeworthy, I encourage you to leave it in the comments so it can receive the scorn it deserves.

73 comments:

Ben said...

What disturbs me the most is that he hit on you thinking that you looked the same age as his daughter and didn't catch the grossness of noting that out loud...

The Imaginary Reviewer said...

The best (read: worst) chat-up line I have ever heard is, "How do you like your eggs? Fertilised?"

The young man who told me he used this one never attested to its success, sadly.

chrisrenne said...

this was awesome. you're a great writer. were they the day-trip igloo coolers, or the weekend camping trip ones for the whole family and your neighbor's family too?

amanda said...

I always hated the "Did it hurt?" (when you fell from heaven, because you're an angel and I want to eff you, get it?), which I've gotten several times. Has that line EVER worked on ANYONE?

(the fertilised eggs one above wins the top prize, in my mind. eugh.)

Xytrex said...

Guy dips his finger in his drink, taps her leg with wet finger, taps his leg with wet finger and says "you want to get out of these wet close?"

Pick up lines are sad.

Xytrex said...

close=clothes good grief.

Word Perv said...

Also good: Are your legs tired? You've been running through my mind all night.

I usually give them that deer-in-headlights look and then deadpan, "I'm a marathoner, my legs don't get tired..." before picking up the drink they just bought me and turning and walking away...

Eric (Extra P.) said...

"Mike was wandering a circuitous path around the room like Billy from the Family Circus if he grew up to wear Bugle Boy and a smirk."

That is EXACTLY what I figured that little shit grew up to be.

*~*Lis*~* said...

A friend once had a guy ask her if she's like him to shave her legs.

Not sure if that's actually considered a pick up line, but pretty f-ing creepy!

What a great read - as always!

MissAllycat said...

I let out an audible "Ewwwww" when I read the line about the daughter.

Because...Ewwwww.

"You must be Jamaican...because Jamaican me horny"

Heinous said...

Sadly, I'm sure he thought it was your loss on the way out.

Mojito said...

"Nice dress. It would look better on my bedroom floor." Yeah. That was said. No. It did not happen.

Jen said...

"softly count out reps on machines designed to prevent their husbands from dating the new secretary."
Is one of the best lines. Of course the Meerkat comment was right up there too.

Worst pickup line I've experienced, wasn't really so much of a line, it was a slap on my ass.

TC said...

I'm kind of disgusted by the fact that he was trying to pick you up thinking you were his daugther's age... it's like he was disappointed you were seven years older?!? Weirdo.

I'd say that your love life is in way better shape than theirs... then again, their meeting at 7 pm could turn out one of those "perfect for each other!" couples. I mean... for her to like his pick up lines had to say something about both of them, right?

Matt said...

I think that Magic Johnson line is money in the bank!!!!!

Dr Zibbs said...

"Do you come here often?" How lame. The only pick up line that works on the ladies these days is the old "Got you nose" trick.

Paul Johns said...

I love bearing witness to creepy guys hitting on women with amazingly bad pick up lines. It makes me so glad I'm introverted. And married.

I thought I had some good ones to post here, but I don't, which is probably a good thing. Great read though!

Belle said...

I'm scared. I know a guy that loves ogling women his daughter's age, and I blindly hoped he was the only one that open about it. Apparently, they're everywhere!

I had a guy try to pick me up with "So, what can I call you besides beautiful?" once. I do wonder if he kept using that line, and if it ever worked for him...

Gilahi said...

I knew someone that swore that he'd walk up to a woman and say, "Would you like to get married tonight?" When she inevitably turned him down, he'd say, "Well would you like to get a room and fool around for a while?" His claim was that this worked a lot more often than one might imagine.

emily said...

Doesn't count as a pick-up line, since it was a second (and last) date, but I had a guy once tell me, very approvingly, that I have 'excellent birthin' hips'.

punchlinewalking said...

Just goes to show, there is someone for everyone. For some reason I get super creeped out by men who wear non-athletic clothing to the gym. Jean shorts are bad enough, but jean shorts at the gym are unforgivable.

Nate said...

No kidding, the only pick-up line I was ever offered in my ENTIRE LIFE is, "So, we gonna fuck later, or what?"

Sadly, by the time I met Brian I had heard this at least a dozen times.

nancypearlwannabe said...

I wonder if I just go to a strange gym, but I have never seen anyone getting picked up. Or maybe I'm just so focused on not falling off the treadmill I don't notice it.

emmysuh said...

THAT IS AWFUL.

Thank god I get to go to the college gym for free where the only danger is running into one of your teachers sweatin' it to the Oldies.

shannon said...

Agreed on all those who said how creepy it is that he compared you to his daughter. That just gives me the heebies.

Personal worst pick-up line I've gotten? A guy grabbed my ass at a bar once, and when I turned around to slap him, he said, "I just couldn't help myself."

I should have slapped him.

Rebecca Jaffe said...

My best friend and I had an illegal immigrant stalker hispanic guy named Oscarrrrrrr (roll that r if you would) ask us if one of us would marry him, for it would make him happy (and a legal US resident.) Then he gave us free strawberry daiquiris.
Our response: Thanks! And no.
Speaking of Steve Buschemi, his long lost twin bought us drinks one time. Our response: Thanks! And no.

Dexter Colt said...

Hey, how you doin'? You blog much?

anabelle said...

I once had a man pull over his SUV in traffic, roll his window down and yell.. "you know you got it" as I was walking with a hiring manager to an interview location... awesome.. ugh

Bradshaw said...

Once when I was 17, a 45-year old Marine, who was about as thick as he was tall (which is probably why the guys I was with bolted), told me I was "hotter than the Georgia asphalt in July."

Another time, as I was walking past a group of guys standing by the bar, one of them licked his finger, reached out, touched my shoulder, and made an audible sizzling noise, followed by a "Damn!" I couldn't stop myself from turning around and saying, "Really? Really?" I could only really think of the disgusting man saliva stuck to my shoulder. *shudder*

BloodRedRoses said...

A guy once used the "come here often?" line on me. I also laughed out loud because I thought he was making a joke.

He was not.

As for sketch-o mcgee and his lady friend? I can't stop gagging...

ÄsK AliCë said...

A guy I knew once said to a girl: "If you were a booger, I'd pick you"
Swear to christ I'm not making this up. The worst part? She went on a date with him.

Standards? None.

Beth said...

I gotta vote for " ... elderly woman whose sole exercise seemed to be getting from one side of the gym to the other without crumbling to dust" as the best line in the post.

But, as usual, there are many from which to choose.

As for my overall reaction, though, allow me to add my voice to the chorus of "Ewws!" that is forming. Really? He wanted you to be the same age as his daughter?

Eww!

Jenn said...

"Why don't you come on over and sit on my lap and we can discuss whatever pops up!"

Yeah, that would have to be the worst line I have ever heard. Plus, I was at work and my boss witnessed it. I was only able to live that one down by moving out of town.

Jenn

Kerryon said...

Best worst line I've heard: "I'm lost. Can you tell me where you're going"? It was kinda funny though.

sonja said...

Him (tapping me on the shoulder): "Excuse me, you dropped something."
Me (turning around and looking at the floor): "Oh, what?"
Him: "My jaw."

For real. Didn't work.

Craig said...

The worst line ever, for my money, was:
"Hi. You're very pretty...........[hyperventilates, looks at shoes]......I....have to go...[cloud in the shape of me, I mean, the deliverer, left.]"

SJ Goody said...

I swear I have that same guy at my gym. Down to the titleist hat and all. Ugh.

Amy said...

The worst:

"I bet you didn't think you'd be going home with me tonight." Still don't.

There was also a guy who was trying to grope me/ breathe all over me at a bar while at the same time asking me if I knew that he had "magic fingers." The gag reflex still works when I think of that.

Wendy said...

Said to me last weekend by a dude with sweat glistening on his upper lip:

"This isn't about sex or hooking up. This is about some short fat dude trying to get into your stupid lives."

toughtrigger said...

Someone once asked me out. I told him I had a boyfriend. He asked me how long I had been dating said boyfriend - I told him 6 months. He told me it was "about time to trade up for a better model."

Also, a bus driver asked me out. WHILE HE WAS DRIVING THE BUS, and I was trying to get off at my stop - he wouldn't open the doors until I answered him.

Along the lines of pick-up lines that aren't really spoken lines, a dude also grabbed my ass once, looked at me, and quite proudly said, "Ehhh?" With a little smug nod and raised eyebrows. No. Just no.

Anonymous said...

I live in downtown Seattle, and I have a lot of random crazy/drunk/lowlife-type interactions when walking around my neighborhood. The most entertaining line approach I've had recently was from a guy who had a vaguely homeless look to him who walked up to me and said "Hey baby, you want to go to Tacoma with me? We'll go to a restaurant, have a good time...?"

Anyone familiar with Tacoma will understand why this sort of threw me for a moment. He was pleasant enough, however, so I simply said "Thanks, but I think I'm good for the moment." -- only to have him yell down the street at me when I was a block away "Oh yeah, you _are_ good, baby!"

Tacoma. Seriously???

~Cardboard Sea~ said...

"You look like my favorite actress," he said.

"Oh yeah? Who's that?" I asked.

"Traci Lords."

" ... the fucking porn star?!"

"No! No! She's on this show on Sci-Fi!"

" ... "

Anonymous said...

Oooh! I have three. Two are insulting, one is just dumb beyond belief.

First, the dumb one: "Are you Wanda? Wonderwoman?"

Now, the insulting:
1. "you look like Julia Stiles. She's not that hot."
2. (at a high school reunion) "you're a swan."

kleph said...

Don Dixon FTW. And +1 for the allusion to Arrogance.

/wanders off to listen to The Producers

Essentially Me said...

He was upset you weren't his daughter's age? Fucking perv.

TMC said...

Aren't you curious to ask Dolly how it went if you see her again?

Melissa said...

So glad I'm married and can just flash my left hand and shrug. PS: Your writing slays me!

harobed said...

A guy once asked me, "So, can I lick your caramel complexion?" Yuck!!!

Douchegirl said...

This one wasn't directed at me, it was directed at my mom while we were at the entrance of a Walmart "God bless you for being so beautiful." I thought it was kinda cute, though.

My personal favorite was this random older guy at a work event. When I told him Johnny Depp was in that movie Crybaby he said "You're cute and know about movies? Can I take you home?".

bourbon please... said...

I got, "you have a really attractive forehead." Wtf??

surviving myself said...

Wait.

You're 29???

I'm never reading your blog again.

audgepodge said...

You encounter so many interesting characters! Love your stories!

~wicked~ said...

LOVE your blogs...funny chick...for a straight girl! lol...kidding

i could tell you a shitload of pick-up lines but you'll have to wait for the book to come out ;-)
'cause i'm really just that old

Mermanda said...

This was not a pick-up line, but rather one of many things a guy I dated uttered that lead to my eventual decision to ignore all of his subsequent phone calls:

"I think you and I have really good synergy."

Yeah, he was an MBA student. Why do you ask?

Of course, I remember this more fondly than the time he said:

"Women do not make good managers."

Uh... dude. You need a new business strategy. B/c that kind of talk is definitely not getting you into my pants. K?

STP said...

Is that a keg in your pants...cause I'd like to tap that ass.

Ah, young love!

SouthernBelle said...

Euw to man looking for daughter-wife.

I've had a couple of bad pick-up attempts:
1. Waiting at the bus stop, a guy in a truck pulls up at the lights and says "You need a ride?" - this has happened a lot actually, so I wonder if there are dumb girls out there accepting lifts from random dudes?
2. I was at an event for work one evening and this random fat guy in a flannel shirt starts talking to me, then mentions "We're all going to [club name], you should come." and when I replied "Thanks, but I don't think my husband would like that." he says without blinking "He doesn't have to know".

I just turned around and walked away. Blecchhh.

Sandi said...

It's been so long I don't remember the pick-up lines I've heard, but there were a lot. I had a group of male friends in my early 20s who loved to play, "have Sandi sit at the bar by herself while we all watch and listen to losers try to pick her up."

I always went along with it because it was pretty damned funny.

saratogajean said...

Oh no! Poor Hugh!

Andy said...

You could have been BFF with his daughter. It could have been magical, but not as magical as HIV on the first date.

lindsay said...

Last year, my friend and I actually had a worst pick-up line contest and tried to outdo each other with horrible pick-up lines.

Some of my favorites were:

1) What screws like a tiger and winks? *Wink*

2)Guy: My magical watch tells me you aren't wearing any panties.
Girl: Actually I am.
Guy: Oh damn, it's 10 min fast.

3)If you were a pirate would you wear your parrot on this shoulder? *Taps girl's closest shoulder* Or this shoulder? *Slyly puts arm around her to touch the other shoulder*

4)Guy: A big fat polar bear!
Girl: Excuse me?
Guy: Just something to break the ice....

Anonymous said...

HELLO>>>>>>>>>>>>>I'm waiting for the write up of last night's House episode?!?!? Knock, knock.....

Heather said...

Ewwww.

AirEd said...

Is that your natural hair color?
Do you have any tattoos?
Do you have a boyfriend?
Want one?

Good Girl Gone Blog said...

I bartend, so male customers who are oh so clever (not) flirt with me by asking, "how much for you?" I respond with a coy, "you can't afford me." And, it's NOT that kind of club. Just a bunch of classless drunk boys.

Paul said...

J-Money,

I'm going to risk scorn and ridicule by playing Devil's Advocate regarding the line:

'"Seriously, I could've sworn you were 22." He sounded disappointed. "My daughter's 22."'

It is quite possible that he was attempting a double play of complimenting you while also fishing for a compliment in return.
To deconstruct the double play:

1. "Seriously, I could've sworn you were 22." - He is very attracted to J-Money and feels (perhaps 'old fashionedly') that stating you look much younger will appeal to your vanity.

2. "My daughter's 22." - He is implicitly stating: "In turn please tell me that I can't possibly be old enough to have a 22 year old daughter"

Anonymous said...

worst pick up line EVER:

what i lack in length, i make up for in width...

i still gag when i think about it

JayDee said...

I had a guy actually come up to our table at a bar once and ask me, my sister, and a friend what kind of pancakes we wanted him to make us in the morning. While another guy was sitting there hitting on us! lol I have to say that it made us laugh. He also said his friends called him the polar bear, cos he knows how to break the ice. After coming back from the ladies bathroom, I was talking about how gross it was and he said "is it really? I've never been in there. come show me." All of this with a lisp!!! While none of the lines worked, he was pretty entertaining to keep around.

Bogart in P Towne said...

I hope he is new to town and was looking for friends for his daughter!

I had a girl tell me "Your Grandma told me you were hot."

Really.

Abby said...

Fantastic gym story. Aren't you glad you didn't decide to pity date Dear Ole Dad? I think we all are.

Also, found this today and thought you'd like it.
http://graphjam.com/2008/09/28/song-chart-memes-enjoyability-of-houses/#more-7533

K-lousy said...

I once had a man at least twice my age ask me if I wanted to go halfsies with him? then he completed it by halfsies on a baby! it made me laugh but what a creeper

stealthnerd said...

oh ack! that whole story upsets me--on a variety of levels! what a creeper! and while i haven't gotten any worse lines than that, i did actually (sadly) get an "I lost my number, can I have yours?"

Morgan said...

Your gym story reminds me of my own: Working out one day at my gym doing some bicep curls and two guys were lifting on the bench next to me. In between sets one of them says, "Man girl, you are thick!" I about dropped the dumbbell on my foot I was so shocked. To begin, I am not a petite girl, but I am also not chubby, its just that 10 plus years of playing soccer have developed my lower half to be a bigger stronger and perhaps more ample than other ladies. Also, I understand that in boy world, "thick" is a good adjective denoting a muscular body. But for heaven's sake...DO NOT CALL A GIRL THICK! The guy's friend almost slapped him across the head for saying it and after seeing my face he realized what an idiot he had been. Then spent the next twenty minutes apologizing and asking me to dinner to make up for it. Sorry, but "man, girl, you are thick" doesn't exactly put me in the mood to eat a meal with you! UGH! will never forget that momenet

Captain Steve said...

Worst pick up line ever: So, are you, like, her mom?