Monday, September 22, 2008

Weekend Update

It's a well-known fact that putting the word "street" in front of another noun ensures that it's going to be a crapfest, whether you're referencing street musicians--who will gladly provide you with a shitty acoustic cover of an already acoustic song--or Street Kings which I endured for 104 Keanu-infested minutes just to catch a glimpse of Hugh Laurie's clean-shaven face. The sole exception to the rule is Street Fighter, Capcom's contribution to both world society and my long-suffering virginity*.

When Friday night dropped a street festival right outside my window, I didn't hope for the Best and quickly learned that the Best wouldn't be attending, opting instead to eat food that wasn't served on a stick. My neighbor and I--admittedly curious about what was going on--foolishly decided to venture into the writhing Aqua Net-and-funnel cake-scented wad of humanity that had congregated on the closed street. There were an estimated 30,000 people bumping into us and I recognized exactly four of them. It was like everyone from the state fair and the sketchy side of the mall near Sears was scooped up and then dumped between the sidewalks where they could purchase tie dyed tote bags and choose from a number of deep fried ways to die.

We didn't last very long. Although our festival experience was brief, the highlight was either the angry-looking man who was wearing a kilt for--it seemed--no other reason than to beat the shit out of anyone who said anything about his choice of casual wear OR the gentleman with the shaved head and the overwhelming scent of drain cleaner who was having a temporary tattoo airbrushed on the back of his neck, a move that says "Despite the leather pants and facial scars, I'm still not ready to commit to this lifestyle" and also "I don't care about staining the collar of my shirts".
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When I got home that night and let Pigpen out of his crate and he was SO INSANELY EXCITED TO SEE ME THAT IT HAS TO BE TYPED IN ALL CAPS. Unfortunately, he leapt up at exactly the same time I leaned over to remove what appeared to be a piece of human skin from my shoe and he mashed my face with his skull. Boxer Head, 1; My Nose, 0. The night ended as so many of my Fridays do, with my face buried in a paper towel trying to stop the endless tears. I rolled out of bed on Saturday with a black eye and a swollen nose, which isn't quite as sexxxy as it sounds considering that I also woke up wearing a t-shirt that said "God Loves Baby Ducks" and a pair of wool socks. I'll pause here, allowing you to revel in that image.

I'd signed up for a 10k trail run that morning in an effort to ease my wounded hip back into the wild and when I got to the packet pickup area people immediately started asking "What happened to your face?", a question I field several times a week even when I'm not bruised. It speaks volumes about my social life that when I responded with my best attempt at a coy smile and the phrase "Rough sex", everyone laughed and said "No, REALLY."

Since I looked like an iPod wearing pinata, it was only rational that I'd see my former boyfriend before the start of the race, tanned and preening near the port-a-johns. He was standing with his arm around Skeletor the fiftysomething succubus he left me for, who was obviously not running, having spent the better part of the morning applying a fresh coat of varnish to her skin. She saw me before he did, immediately making a production out of kissing him. "This is for luck, baby" she said after casting a sidelong glance at me. Personally, if I saw a withered creature like her coming toward my face, my first instinct would be to kill it with fire. Even though I'm over him and her and them as a Combo Meal of Suck (NO REALLY, I AM TOTALLY OVER HIM. FOR SERIOUS.) every time she attempts to work her bitchcraft on me, I still want to spend the afternoon picking her teeth out of my fist.

It's only been recently that she's stopped coming into the store where I work. She used to drop in a couple of times a month, seeking me out and insisting that I help her, knowing that I have no choice. Standing there in full view of my underwhelmed bosses, she knows I'm trapped and forced to perform, like a costume-wearing circus animal who has to allow itself to be calmly led around the ring even though its first instinct may be to bite, snarl, and take an industrial-sized shit in the center of the dressing room.

Maybe it's insecurity that makes her do it, like seeing me pricing value packs of socks and wearing my sad store-issued shirt somehow makes her feel better about herself. She admittedly has a better job and a lusher life, but she's also a prime candidate for carbon dating so we could probably call this one a draw.
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I finished the run in a respectable 46:31--a 7:30 per mile pace--which put me in the line for donuts and banana halves almost ten minutes ahead of my former boyfriend. I grabbed a bottle of water and walked--limp-free!--back to my car, glad I'd never had his name airbrushed on the back of my neck.

*Street Fighter earned a second historical footnote because the character of Blanka, the brain chomping mutant, was the last person to ever successfully wear jorts.

36 comments:

Kbags said...

I hate her, and I'm glad your hip is feeling better.

A Lover and a Fighter said...

Kbags stole my line. I hate her too. She's just awful.

but you are fast and awesome and sexy. even with your busted face. just remember- bruises heal, but snatchface is forever. people think it's diamonds, but it's not. It's snatchface.

Indy said...

I may or may not have had a slight man-crush on Vega...or maybe I just wanted to be graceful instead of lumbering and fall-prone...just saying...

Also, I'm pretty sure that as a young adult I had to actively fight off the cultural hatreds I had developed through that game as a kid...

thecusp said...

Screw Skeletor!
Seriously!
Whatta Bitch!
Carbon dating...a draw.
Good one. Very goooood!

Xytrex said...

Sounds like the recovery...recoveries?...are coming along nicely.

It's got to be nice knowing you can hit her and out run him.

kleph said...

PHOTO FACE fears no bitchcraft.

punchlinewalking said...

I sat through Street Kings, too. When the credits rolled, some kid behind me said "Damn, that movie was shitty as hell!" and all five people in the theater started clapping.

Paula (MN) said...

I hope you didn't have to put the shoe's on her feet...that would be more than I could take Luckily the shoe stores (Kohl's) that I go I serve myself the shoes. I saw my ex boyfriend's wife at the mall last winter. I smiled at her politely and she followed with "the death stare". I believe she blames me that she ended up with the loser....

Dr Zibbs said...

You are a great writer. I've got to tell you. And there. I did.

toughtrigger said...

That's a might respectable 10k. Well done!

Essentially Me said...

For someone who is a senior citizen, she sure is acting like a fucking child.

Tassie said...

this guy is a total jerk if he left you for some over-the-hill depends wearer. you're better off without him.....

great job on the 10k!

Herding Cats said...

I clicked the link to read the ex story. I could totally relate. My mom gave me xanax after a bad breakup too. Thank god for parents!

jkrunning said...

You chicked him. That sounds like a win in my book.

`nic's noodle` said...

i would say sic your doggie on her; dogs have a keen sense for evil don't they?

Betty Underground said...

Having a similar experience, I can be pretty certain she is spending an inordinate amount of energy trying to make you jealous.

Left to her own devices, she will spin herself mildly insane and he will dump her eventually.

In time, all relationships end. And watching an exes end in a fire of craziness is THE BEST FEELING EVER!

Word Perv said...

Ugh. I'm quite sure my ex will be at my race on Sunday. I'm over him (mostly, it's only been a year), but running is MY THING! How dare he infringe on something he never wanted to do during the 7.5 years we were together. That being said, I'm much faster than he is and I'm gonna kick his ass... Let's hope he doesn't bring his looks-just-like-me new girlfriend.

Bogart in P Towne said...

You are assuming that airbrush dude even owns shirts with collars.

That and you should feel real good about that time...especially with the gimpy hip.

The Dutchess of Kickball said...

Holy crap, I thought I was the only one to have suffered a nose injury like that. You lucked out, my dog actually broke my nose. Serious suckage.

Two Left Feet said...

at least you kicked his ass in the race. AFTER being on the injured list.

heidi said...

she is SO jealous of you. There will be a better man. I just know it.

Sandi said...

I was once dumped for a woman 20 years older than my former boyfriend. I chalked it up to him having an Oedipal thing. She looked like his mother. Seriously.

I got married years later and had two beautiful children. Ok, so my husband went and died on me and now I'm alone again and a single mom, but still I was better off without him.

Oh--and it's great that you beat him.

Vanilla said...

Great job on the 10K J-Money. I hope you let the ex know that you were faster than him, that will eat him up inside.

starpower said...

My guess? Skeletor's all bent out of shape that he's making no move to propose to her so she's trying to lord over you what she does have (a man PLENTY old enough to commit (who still chooses not to)). If you ask me, you're squarely in the lead.

And if Hugh knew what you went though for him (enduring Keanu), he'd be on the next flight to Slappytown.

Victoria said...

Hey Speedy McSpeedster-- you held 7:30s on trails? Nice! Having fractured my foot in a trail race this Saturday, I have become insanely jealous and resentful of people who can still run.

stealthnerd said...

in all fairness, I once had street cake (as in I was at a bar and a girl walked down the street with a sheet cake and offered everyone at the bar a piece) and it was the best cake of my life.

Mickey said...

Nice run.

Now I want some funnelcake.

Butter Chicken said...

Wow. Her visits to your store to have you wait on her are pretty well the relationship equivalent of Fred Phelps picketing a soldier's funeral.

Maxie said...

I'm not a fan of festivals, but I'll go ANYWHERE for a funnel cake. They are like a big pile of heavenly grease and batter.

Ms. Florida Transplant said...

Great story!

secretlyfree said...

I happened to stumble across you blog through a friends. I feel ya on the ex bf leaving ya for something not so great.

Heinous said...

I don't mind festivals as long as there aren't too many people. It sounds like yours was way past my threshold. Great time btw.

surviving myself said...

No doubt Blanka and E-Honda were boys, so Blanka's choice of Jorts probably didn't upset him, seeing as E-Honda wore underwear.

GCH said...

I hope one day to speak half as well as you write.

Amanda said...

Impressive 10k time!

And street fairs in Southern towns are always very frightening. I was once forced to eat alligator on a stick...I don't think I've ever fully recovered.

Jemima said...

So I realize that you're much more mature than she is and all, but I maintain that it still wouldn't hurt to sign her up for AARP and all their rad incontinence freebies.

Congratulations on the 10K! I just did one in the fog, uphill, both ways. And I did not do it in 46.