Tuesday, October 07, 2008

28 Days Later

So the Apple Store has expanded to include applications for the iPhone, hawking them in another commercial starring some dude's finger. Some of them serve a purpose, like SportsTap which allows me to be even more socially awkward as I try to balance a drink, listen to your delightful retelling of your cat's digestive problems, and scroll through real-time scoring updates of pretty much every professional sports league. The upside? I know exactly which Red Sox player is batting at all times. The down? I'm never going to have any of my own scoring updates to share.

I check out the iTunes store every Tuesday to see what new music I need to illegally download and I've made the Apps section a frequent stop too. This morning after making a note to find the new Streets album elsewhere online*, I saw this headscratcher being offered for the low, low price of $1.99.


It's called Period Tracker and that's not just a clever name. It allows you to, um, keep track of your stays at the Red Roof Inn, so you'll always know when it's safe to break out the white denim. I can't say I've ever needed this option. When I'm on my third consecutive day of eating nothing but Pop Tarts while sobbing at animated airline commercials, that's a pretty good sign that my uterus is about to reboot itself.

Period Tracker is quick to point out that it should not be used to prevent pregnancy, a warning that seems unnecessary. If you're the type of person whose cell phone keeps a running count of the days until your oven enters self-cleaning mode, you're probably not having sex in the first place. Although it does denote your preggo danger days with a brightly colored graphic of a blooming flower, a tasteful way of saying "Not tonight, sweetheart. We're one side of baby gravy away from being an Ellen Page movie."**

No, I'm not buying it but a big thank you to the fertile folks at Period Tracker for making me feel better about myself and my own sports-stuffed iPhone. At least when I talk about the Crimson Tide*** it's not illustrated with a picture of a flower.

* Just kidding RIAA! "Elsewhere online" is just my way of saying I'll be going to Best Buy and paying full price for the CD AND ONLY LISTENING TO IT ONCE, WITH HEADPHONES, SO NO ONE ELSE EVER STEALS THE MUSIC OUT OF THE AIR. Please don't sue me.
** Coming Holiday '08: Juno 2: The Secret of the Ooze
***
Sorry 'Bama fans. If it makes you feel better, change the phrase to "Red River Shootout".

37 comments:

Viviane said...

Hahahaha, what a *useful* app!
I think this sooner here will stick with Crimson Tide. Love your blog!

amindinmotown said...

Ah, the things people come up with to make a few extra dollars...

I bet handfuls of 14-year-old girls whose visit from Aunt Flo is still new and somewhat eventful will be purchasing that application in droves. It'll be the flower icon directly squished next to Miley Cyrus' face.

Sheena Beaston said...

i've got the link to The Streets album if you want it!

best,
Sheena Beaston

Elizabeth Marie said...

Oh My God. Is that really a need for most women? How do you explain that when your iphone lets off some cute little alarm and people ask what the noise is. "Oh it's just my phone reminding me that if (according to Palinsanity) I enter within five miles of a guy I'll get pregnant and also that I'll be sobbing into my cold cereal over my long lost fish from 8th grade next week." No thanks. I don't need a running countdown to remember I have 3 days of misery coming up.

Rebecca Jaffe said...

My personal favorite reference of the menstrual cycle is "Bitch Fest, 2008" or whatever year it happens to be at that point. I don't need a period tracker, my husband always reminds me I'm about to start by my erratic behavior.
I like the staying at the Red Roof Inn, that's classic.

The Imaginary Reviewer said...

I'm an idiot male and even I can tell when my fiance is about to experience a visit from Mother Nature without the use of an iPhone app. It's enough of a clue when she's moved to tears by the phrase "Hey, did you have a good day today?"

JustinS said...

This is a brilliant app, it's just marketed poorly. They should be selling it to men, not to women, so we know when it's time to STFU.

emily said...

If you're the type of person whose cell phone keeps a running count of the days until your oven enters self-cleaning mode, you're probably not having sex in the first place.


bwahahahaha...

paisana said...

"When I'm on my third consecutive day of eating nothing but Pop Tarts while sobbing at animated airline commercials, that's a pretty good sign that my uterus is about to reboot itself."


AMEN, AMEN, AMEN. I start tearing up at phone company commericals and "sad" endings on re-runs of Will & Grace ("Whyyyyyyy can't they just love each other. Whyyyyyy?") and getting up in the middle of the night to eat chocolate chip cookies.

btw, I gave you a shout-out for your HouseLOLs last week and think I forgot to mention it.

The Dutchess of Kickball said...

And that would be one more reason why an iphone would make we WAY too organized.

Adam said...

Nice TMNT reference.

kleph said...

Just for that little comment, I'm thinkin' there might be an In-N-Out cheeseburger in my immediate future. Or two.

Andy said...

They should market one for guys so they know what days to avoid the women in their life. Maybe call it the That Bitch Be Crazy app.

stealthnerd said...

"Period Tracker is quick to point out that it should not be used to prevent pregnancy, a warning that seems unnecessary."

It hurts to think that there probably is some fool out there trying to use it to prevent pregnancy.

pinkjellybaby said...

Surely, if you need one of these, you deserve to get pregnant?

Shane said...

Roll Tide Roll!

I've yelled that so many times without truly understanding it...until now. thanks!

Dr Zibbs said...

Period tracker should have a picture of a smiley happy lady, then everyday closer to the period date it morphs into an ax wielding witch monster.

Vanilla said...

I don't think the apology to Bama was necessary as I'm certain that Nick Saban is quite deserving of any and all mocking.

TC said...

you're the type of person whose cell phone keeps a running count of the days until your oven enters self-cleaning mode, you're probably not having sex in the first place.

Don't be so sure of that. There are a LOT of stupid girls having sex. A LOT of 'em. Not to mention just all the young ones who don't have a clue other than that part A inserts into slot B quite nicely...

Another hilarious post.

ÄsK AliCë said...

Good god what will they think of next?

I'm pretty sure I'm aware that my period is coming by the sobbing, the back pain and the throwing of inanimate objects at innocent bystanders.

Kidding. Sort of.

Signal to Noise said...

They sell apps like this in order to weed out the people dumb enough to pay for them.

If you happen to notice certain ones like the "period tracker" on someone's phone, you know not to befriend them any more.

Essentially Me said...

I'm with you. I can feel my egg dropping. That's all I need.

lacochran said...

"Period Tracker is quick to point out that it should not be used to prevent pregnancy"

Not sure how someone would get confused. It's not like it comes with an applicator...

Michael said...

Hysterical Post.

the lockeness monster said...

Sadly, I have subscribed to a service such as this, except it's free. And does not include a cringe-inducing "flower" reference.
Perhaps "de-flowering" would be more appropriate?
I get friendly little reminders at t-minus 7 days, when I'm feeling mildly stabby.
By 2 days ahead of time, that little reminder serves a bigger purpose.
It not only reminds me that brighter days are on the horizon, but that performing violent acts like shooting staples into my co-workers eyes will not be such a good idea in a few days time.

Anonymous said...

who needs an App when you've got your pilates teacher reminding you NOT to do a certain position if you're on the rag (backflow??) ...and then I STILL DO IT!

RainbowEclipse said...

My question would be whether or not there are attachments for it to adjust when on antibiotics/ stressed out/ sick/ leaving-for-vacation, in which case the "typical cycle" isn't accurate at all.....

---------
Note to Dr. Zibbs... if they opted for the smiley-turned-"ax wielding witch monster" face rather than the flower, that definitely might make it more appealing.

Bogart in P Towne said...

It never ceases to amaze me what people will pay for.

Then again, I am a man, so I don't have to worry about these things...

surviving myself said...

I'm going to upload SportsTap. It'll make getting through funerals so much faster.

heidi said...

Sounds like the Movie "Logan's Run"... only the REAL future is much scarier than it was in the movies ;-)

Good Girl Gone Blog said...

What a great phrase to warn your lover: "if you don't mind staying at the Red Roof Inn tonight."

Love your blog!

UrbanVox said...

I always wondered what 28 days later REALLY meant!
lol!

maddy said...

I use the free service as well... wildy erratic cycles coupled with general forgetfulness has prevented a few PMT freakouts.

kk said...

((speechless))

hilariously scary that this app exists.

Miss Musing said...

I just found your blog and it's great! I can't wait to read through more of it! I saw this the other day when I was looking for new apps to add to my iPhone and I was like WTF? The things people come up with never cease to amaze me.

-Jacqueline

P.S. Is it okay if I add you to my blog roll?!

barelybloggin' said...

As a Bama fan, I am not offended. I am a fairly new reader to your blog and you are extremely talented in your verbage. If I had a business I would so hire you, but then you would have to move even further south...oh well.

Keep it up!

Sarah Elizabeth said...

I'm just reading this post and it is hilarious! Who, in their right mind, purchase such a worthless application!?