Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Cocktail Reception to Follow

So my sister Runtie is newly engaged which is both awesome and terrifying because it means that my little sister is grown up: responsible, self-sufficient, and old enough to get married without appearing on the kind of TLC program that would air between Say Yes to the Dress and Reggie Gets a New Head. It also ensures that for the next year our conversations will frequently involve words like bodice and fittings and no, your dress won't have a dinosaur on it.

Realizing that she's reached this point in her life makes me even more apprehensive about my own. I probably have enough sweater coats and dog breed fridge magnets to be an honorary member of Miss Havisham's Li'l Spinster Club but, honestly, I'm just not racing to wrap myself in someone else's last name. Despite being ensnared for seven years in a now-defunct relationship, "Git Hitched" wasn't something I ever wrote on the to-do list after "Regrout Shower" and "Buy Ant Traps", and we were both fine with it, partially because he'd been married before, because we didn't need any more specialty appliances and because we both had insurance.

Our unmarriage meant that when the O-ring on our relationship blew, I could fill the back of my car with laundry baskets full of Christmas decorations and cracked CD cases without having to call the smirking attorney on the back of the phone book. It also meant I didn't get fitty percent of his stuff, which I'm cool with because I didn't need forty books about the Civil War or half of the slutpuppet he left me for.

Anyway, Runtie's big day isn't until April of 2010, right after the Groom-Elect finishes med school* and possibly purchases land in the type of gated community that sells its own merchandise. He is a great guy and they're adorable together, probably because there's a certain amount of comfort in the fact that the person you love could catheterize you.

Even though the wedding is two more Paula Deen desk planners away, our mother is fast approaching a level of excitement last seen when Jessie Spano OD'ed on caffeine pills. She's already selecting fonts for the invitation, pricing swans, and would've carved the ice sculpture if she had a place to store it. By contrast, the only thing our father is concerned about is that if Mom combusts before the big day, no one will know where the place cards go.

Runtie did name me her Maid of Hono(u)r, which--according to the ten pounds of wedding related literature I've been given to peruse**--means I'll have actual responsibilities during the planning stages, like scheduling her bachelorette party,***accidentally smudging shiny things, and giving myself a beard made of cake icing.

Despite my inability to walk in heels without looking like a wounded deer, my name has been printed in a couple of wedding programs before, including for my former roommate**** and my high school BFF. Before that, I was the peach-hued blur in the corner of several pictures from my cousin's first wedding. I was four years old and cast as the flower girl, which I didn't want to do because it wasn't a speaking part. The day before the wedding, I saw a shampoo commercial that showed animated flowers flying out of a woman's hair every time she tossed it over her shoulder. I spent the rest of the afternoon shaking my skull like a cup of Yahtzee dice but my own head never spawned plant life, probably because her hair was all one length and I had bangs. For some reason, I'd been left unsupervised long enough to get my plastic Sesame Street scissors and chop off my oppressive bangs before carefully gathering the clippings, which I hid under the rug so no one would notice.

My mother noticed. And she was pissed, as was my cousin who freaked out and insisted that I wear a garland of flowers around my head like one of the garish cherub figurines that she collected and (I'm assuming) contributed to her eventual divorce. Before the ceremony, I stared at my wreath-headed reflection and decided I had to make it clear to the wedding guests that despite my force-bloomed dome piece, I was no effing cherub. So I responded by taking two perfectly timed steps into the aisle before dumping the basket of petals and stomping to the front of the church where I stood with my arms crossed, scowling.

Despite my DIY style I never did learn how to make my flowers sprout from my scalp. I did, however, learn that ruining a wedding means your Big Wheel would be placed on a high shelf for the rest of the summer.

I haven't given up though. I have another 17 months to figure it out.

* By contrast, I'll spend the next year and a half trying to finish this Hannah Montana jigsaw puzzle and counting how many consecutive days I wear sweatpants.
** It seems that "peruse" does not mean read the first page then use the others to make paper hats for you and your dog.
*** Not that I'm bragging, but I reserved our hometown's cleanest Chuck E. Cheese.
**** At one point during the rehearsal, her retired Navy Admiral father stopped the priest to ask which side he should wear his sword on. Sadly, the bridesmaids did not get swords. I'm not even sure I was trusted with a bouquet.

36 comments:

TC said...

Even though the wedding is two more Paula Deen desk planners away, our mother is fast approaching a level of excitement last seen when Jessie Spano OD'ed on caffeine pills.

ROFL

That's the way it should be. Hopefully. Just so long as she doesn't start crying how scared she is, it'll all be good.

lacochran said...

I'll bet Mr. Pigglesworth looks snappy in that paper hat.

the queen of awkward said...

I know it's only 3pm, but I think I can safely say this is the funniest thing I've read today.

The Dutchess of Kickball said...

Aw congrats to Runtie. I'm sure you will be the best non-flower sprouting maid of honor ever.

The Imaginary Reviewer said...

Oh God, that Jessie Spano line cracked me up. It's been more than a decade since I was addicted to that show, but I can still picture her going "I'm so excited! I'm so excited! I'm so...scared..." without clicking the YouTube link.

NewlywedCentral said...

Do you know how funny you are? I don't often comment, but having the honor of 'bridesmaid' bestowed upon me 15 times before I got hitched... I'm feeling your pain (and I wasn't even the 'honored' bridesmaid) --

Love. your. blog.

f.B said...

"the kind of TLC program that would air between Say Yes to the Dress and Reggie Gets a New Head" -

not that family should ever be used for blog content.. but.. if such a show did tape the lead-up to the wedding, you'd probably get a week's worth of posts out of it (unless you're just a much better person than me)

Your Girlfriend is Ugly said...

Good luck with the MOH duties!

Tara said...

Aww, they're moving to Glade? How sad for them.

Fit Bottomed Girls said...

Oh my God, can we be friends? The Saved By the Bell reference was just too awesome. I quote that scene to this day.

J-Money said...

tc: There will be no singing at the wedding so she won't have to worry about whether or not she can pull off her routine.

lacochran: "Dapper" is the word that leaps to mind.

the queen of awkward: I'd like to retain the crown so if you could turn off your internets for the rest of the day, that would be awesome.

the dutchess of kickball: Aw, thanks...don't worry, there are 17 more months for me to blog about my MOH progress.

the imaginary reviewer: It was perhaps the best anti-caffeine pill advertisement EVER. And also anti-crimped hair.

newlywedcentral: FIFTEEN TIMES? FIFTEEN? Wow. Someone needs to bronze a pair of dyed to match shoes for you.

f.b.: Oh hells yeah. If TLC is reading this, I'd strongly encourage them to tape these preparations...

your girlfriend is ugly: Thanks. I think Runtie (and our parents...and the groom) probably needs to be reassured more than I do.

tara: Nope...they've moved outta state.

fit bottomed girls: Yes, we can be friends, if only because of your commenter name.

Megan said...

Would your little sister find it funny if you replayed the whole flower girl incident for her wedding? I think it would be brilliant.

X-Country2 said...

Aww, Ruthie is the luckies bride evah!

Excellent story.

Marathon Maritza said...

The Jessie Spano reference was enough to lure me out of lurking and onto the comments board. Hysterical.

"I'm so excited, I'm so excited, I'm so....so...scared!"

Kate said...

i have to say, a Chuck E. Cheese bachelorette party sounds teh awesome.

Jossie Posie said...

my sister HATED being my maid of honor despite the fact that I was a totally mellow bride. She did great even though she hated every second of it, i'm sure you will too.

Christy said...

Okay...not that I've stopped laughing long enough to think, maybe now I can respond:

I'm a bridal consultant on the side...please let me know if maybe I can help you or Runtie in all the crazy plans. I'll be happy to help!

Jessie Spano...hahahaha good times!

Andy said...

Any reference to that SVTB episode is a good one. I make one once a month, for good measure.
I can only imagine what you would be like at a wedding now. Would you snicker during it, like Rachel McAdams during Wedding Crashers?

Mike said...

BFF - I can never remember what the second F stands for. So I've made up a new explination that is better than whatever the real one is.
Best Freakin Friend. Or something like that.

dave88 said...

If you want a free, objective way to check the reception in your area BEFORE you lock yourself with a specific carrier, you should really check out "Got Reception?" (http://www.gotreception.com).

Anonymous said...

Best friend forever. It's about commitment, ok?

Mojito said...

Just as long as you don't announce your engagement and show off your ring at all of your sister's showers, totally stealing all her thunder. Oh, wait... That was MY sister. Carry on...

Sarah Elizabeth said...

Oh no! Not the BIG WHEEL!?!?!? Lol!

Amanda said...

I too was forced to wear a flower garland as a flower girl many years ago. I hate it, so my sister, who was jealous of me being chosen to be flower girl over her, offered to wear it for me, but knowing that she wanted it somehow made me put up with wearing it. Little kids are awesome.

stealthnerd said...

hahaha you were such a bad-ass little kid.

Heinous said...

Just make sure it's not sunflowers.

JL said...

I went to my brother's wedding once. I filmed it. And then lost the tape. That's like cutting off your hair the day before. 'Cept I was already grown up at the time and couldn't hide the evidence under the rug because the evidence in fact was already missing which is the whole point.

Eric (Extra P.) said...

Was your friend's dad the Vanderbilt Commodore? I love that guy.

Eric (Extra P.) said...

Also, to hell with your hair. If I understand the morning TV commercials properly, it is now possible to have flowers fly out of one's vagina with the right product.

CoyoteGirl said...

Weddings are tragically hilarious. You will have material for 2 years now!

moxie said...

Damn, if bridesmaids got to have swords....well, let's say the bouquet toss would be a lot more fun.

I almost got married once, after 6 years. There's a box of invites and a now-too-small dress in my mom's closet. No, wait, she sold it on ebay. I couldn't care less, honestly. The guy was nice, just not for me. Would've been a disaster.

I was a flowergirl last year. Yep. A 28 year old flowergirl, along with my best friend. The bride's whole family thought we were lesbians. We kinda played it up a little after the wine started flowing.

Missed ya, girl! No internet at the new house, gotta sneak-blog at work.

SouthernBelle said...

J-Money, check out my blog today
: )

pistols at dawn said...

Fashion tip: if you take off your sweatpants to shower or put on jeans, even just for a minute, it technically breaks your consecutive streak.

Sam N. said...

lol.. swords!

KT said...

All I know is that now that I have found your blog I am not expecting to sleep tonight. I'm guessing I'm hooked and going to read this shit all night long. Thank you in advance for the many laughs.

Biddy said...

baaaaaaahahhahaaaaa

ok, i know you don't know me, but i've had the joy of maid of honor shit many times (and sadly, i've never actually BEEN maid of honor) so if you want some help planning anything, my arsenal is at your disposal. seriously, i throw a kick ass bridal shower ;-)