Tuesday, December 16, 2008

11 Days of Fail: Day 1

In order to properly recount the 11 Days of Fail, I've had to reexamine 2008 and there are so many suck nuggets to choose from. I earned less than ten grand this year, got fired from a job that required a name tag, and--until September-ish--my personal life was emptier than my bra cups. You need more? I've fallen down three flights of stairs on three separate occasions. I threw up in a canoe. I LISTENED TO FALL OUT BOY. Obviously Oh-Eight will go in the books as a giant casserole of Ugh. So let's dwell on it, shall we?

Day 1: The Credit Card Shredding

The first installment is also the most recent. This time last week, I was in Arizona with The New Boyfriend (TNB) who won't be given a different nickname until he loses that 'new boyfriend' smell. We spent two nights in Tucson at the Hilton El Conquistador* and--as I noted before--after spending 99 miles on the interstate, we just wanted to toss our bags in our room and head for the nearest bucket of tequila.

That was salt-rimmed mistake number one, not because I drank a lot, but because I have the alcohol tolerance of an earthworm. After one drink, I'm in love with you.

Two, I'm licking your face and may have proposed.

Three, I'm naked and arguing with a Rent-A-Cop about why I can't go down the waterslide again.

Anyway, I was buzzed enough to decide to do something thoughtful and pick up the tab for TNB, his sister, and INSANELY ADORABLE niece (who was not drinking). I stumbled toward the bartender, plunked my card on the counter, and she tried to convince me that I should just start a tab. Shaking my head, I insisted that I just wanted my check and possibly a receptacle to vomit into, so she gave me a receipt to autograph and--pleased with my overpriced round of generosity--we all headed back upstairs.

Luckily, I saved my receipt because that's the last time I'll do anything nice for anyone, ever.

The rest of the evening was uneventful. TNB and I had dinner at the hotel's Dos Locos** restaurant, because nothing is more appetizing than associating mental illness with the people who handle your food. We had a couple more drinks. We watched college football. Yes, I think I would like one more. We went to the outdoor hot tub tepid pit*** and then one of us may or may not have fallen asleep mid-sentence and awakened with the imprint of the nightstand on her face.

The next morning after breakfast, we stopped by Target to pick up a couple of things and when I whipped out my wallet there was...nothing. No ATM card, just my license, a couple of withering business cards, and my perpetually maxed-out Visa which I keep handy in case I need a bookmark. I rewound the night and realized with a shrug that I'd probably forgotten it at the pool bar. No worries, unless someone had drained my bank account by ordering a plate of nachos.

When we got back to the hotel, I made a frantic trip to the front desk where a helpful employee wearing a polyester vest and a permasmile told me not to worry, that he was sure the bar staff had either locked my card in the cash register or turned it over to hotel security. "No se preocupe," he said, although at that point, I was pretty fucking preocupe'd.

He smiled, patted my hand and made a call to the security station. Three sentences in and his expression started to darken. "Oh really?" he said, eyebrows jumping to high five his hairline. "You're kidding...we actually do that? Maybe you should tell that to her" He placed his hand over the receiver before passing it across the counter. "He wants to talk to you. Lo siento."

I took the phone warily, having complained about enough undercooked Mexican meals to realize that lo siento doesn't mean "Here's some really awesome news".

"Is this J-Money?" the heavily-accented baritone on the other end began.

"Yeah, you have my credit card?"

"Had.", he said, coughing before he continued. "We had it. Our bartender turned it in to my office, we checked for your name on the guest registry and when we didn't find a match, we destroyed the card."

"Destroyed? Like...just put it on a high shelf and waited for me to come pick it up?"

"Destroyed as in shredded. As in it's gone. Lo siento."

I handed the phone back across the counter and realizing I didn't know enough Spanish to say "Thanks so much, lunkhead" I gave a very American "Shit, shit, shit, shit, SHIT." I had no ATM card, no checks, and a worthless credit card, so I'd have to survive for another week on $52 and three McDonald's Monopoly pieces.

Stomping back upstairs, I immediately called my bank**** who was less than helpful. They wouldn't mail a replacement card to any address that wasn't stamped on my checks, despite the fact that I provided my SSN, date of my last transaction, and promised to send them a basket of candy. I hung up, paced around the room, then called back when I realized that my neighbor was collecting my mail so he could get the card and overnight it to Arizona. But, of course, the bank still wouldn't play nice. They wouldn't overnight it--their first offer was a glacial 7 to 10 business days--but they could send it Three Day Priority for an ADDITIONAL FIFTY DOLLARS because they apparently use envelopes made of BluRay discs.

Fast forwarding a bit, I survived by paying part of my Visa bill so I'd have enough available credit to cover eleven days of airport parking, spring Pigpen out of the kennel, and buy a chocolate peppermint milkshake at Chick-Fil-A. Now, of course, I'm maxxed again because trying to pay that card off is like trying to fill the Grand Canyon by peeing in it.

Ten days later, and Godot will probably show up before my ATM card. When I called to check in with them on Saturday morning, they hadn't even mailed it so I had no choice but to fork over fifty bones. I hope like hell it's in the box tomorrow...I could really use a drink.

* Official Motto: "So Long & Thanks for All The Smallpox".
** It can't be a good sign when the first thing mentioned in a review is the restaurant's fabric selection.
*** No, not for that. Just to relax. Because doing that, outside in full view of the hotel would be lewd, irresponsible, and can also give you a nasty yeast infection.
**** Their name sounds exactly like BB&T.*****
***** Which is an acronym for Bend over Bitch & Take it.


snarkygirl08 said...

HA! That was hilarious, only because it didn't happen to me.
However, I know all too well the pure evil that is BB&T. As soon as I can get my loan with them paid off, I am closing out that account and giving the whole institution the finger.

Andy said...

I already thought this was hilarious and one of your best posts, and then I got to the "Godot" reference and that just sealed it. Thank you for sucking at life. I look forward to 10 more days of Fail.

Matt said...

That was INCREDIBLY entertaining. May many more bad things befall you so that I can be even more entertained!

Ben said...

I sent my Christmas cards out int Bluray disc envelopes.

The Dutchess of Kickball said...

A drink probably would be lovely right about now, but how are you going to pay for it?

Perfectly Shelly said...

Okay---I must have missed something....and I don't miss your blog----when did you get fired? From the shoe store? Or was it prior to the shoe store?

and WHY did they fire you? You would have been the COOLEST shoe sales person EVAH!!

NYC Glee said...

Couldn't your boyfriend spot you some cash?

Uncle Ebenezer said...

I have the same, "I'll pay for everyone" issue when I've had a few drinks. nice habit for other people to have.

I just lost my ATM/Debit card too and called to get a new one. I lied, told them I was leaving the country, and they shipped one to my overnight at no extra charge. Next time it happens, you're leaving for Spain on Monday. Lying will get you everywhere.

Wordnerd said...

This is fabulous.

It is NOT fabulous that I laugh at your misfortune, but...

Forget it. It's fabulous.

lacochran said...

Jeez. Given that the hotel screwed up it seems to me they could have given you more than a lo siento.

My word verification? "triashe"

Sounds like the fancy french version of trashy.

rs27 said...

Never do nice things for anyone.

punchlinewalking said...

I got pick pocketed in Spain and had a very similar experience with Fifth Third. I thought I might have to kill someone.

Oh, and I love this post because in seventh grade I played the dog in "Waiting for Godot."

michele said...

But you got laid, right?

Charlie Hills said...

See... it's things like this that make me wish I got out of this chair more often.

Studley said...

BB&T = Bubba's Bank & Trust.

Your Ill-fitting Overcoat said...

Ok, I just read this whole post and all I have to say is--


Oh my god, that sounds amazing.

Also, this all sucks // is hilarious.

Susan said...

Ok, new reader here so bare with me catching up. I am looking forward to the next day of fail...

Studley said...


Yes, but only for a limited time at Chick-Fil-A. I had one on the way home from work.

Mike said...

@Michele - Sure she did. It was as easy as 1, 2, 3.

Signal to Noise said...

If that is the first day of fail I can only imagine what the following 10 have in store.

Christy said...

Since the obvious has already been stated...a LOT...well, let me say it again:

That was HILARIOUS...but really sucks for you!

I'm glad you seem to be finding therapy in using your turmoil for our entertainment, otherwise I'd feel super bad for you & take you out drinking to make it all better (if only temporarily)...but it'd be awkward if you fell in love with me. =)

Also, the word verification made me chuckle: nords. Long day = everything is instantly funnier.

Good Girl Gone Blog said...

You are a clever riot! But, sorry about the misfortune that spawned this great post.

Name: Songer said...

I love the line "UGG boots that made her look like she'd gotten each foot stuck in a Care Bear's ass"

DiaryofWhy said...

All I want for Christmas is 10 more days of posts like this. (Also, I'm stuck in a foreign country without my family this Christmas so I'm pretty sure that's all I'm getting. So, you know...no pressure there).

Suz said...

I can not BELIEVE they cut up your credit card. I would have killed them! Very entertaining...if I only had half the wittiness as you!

A Oh Dub said...

I swear I am not a stalker but just a dedicated reader of your awesome blog and came across this and thought you should most definitely see this necklace that is at the top of my Christmas list:


Sandi said...

I have that "I'll pay for everyone" drunken genorosity, too.

I did it the night before my brother's wedding and didn't remember the next day until one of his friends thanked me.

alyce said...

May I ask why you didn't just go to the bank and withdraw cash?

Michael said...

Gorgeous piece, but I'm sorry it was so miserable for you.

jax said...

see this is why i don't drink.

i would have lost my shit on the batender.