Monday, December 15, 2008

Arrival and Cross Check

So I made it home from Arizona, scoring Boarding Class B tix for the flight back which meant instead of perching on a tray table, I had an actual seat--an aisle seat, even--giving me easy access to the flight attendant's snack basket* and an un-worked crossword in the inflight mag. I also got a nasty cold, courtesy of the Human Microbe beside me, a man who spent three hours and thirty-six minutes coughing, sneezing, and being as aggressively contagious as he could without actually licking his hands and wiping them on my face.**

When I wasn't checking the pretzel package to see if they had enough Vitamin C to protect me against Lord Rhinovirus who insisted on draping his diseased limbs on my armrest, I was taking notes about the other passengers and jotting them on the back of my air sickness bag. My fave transcontinental friends this time were:

-- The fortysomething woman with skin like a baked potato and oversized breasts so new she'd barely peeled the price tags off. Her entire outfit was inappropriate, from her skinny jeans that were bedazzled with skulls on the back pockets to the pastel hued UGG boots that made her look like she'd gotten each foot stuck in a Care Bear's ass. Creepier still, she was carrying a cardboard crate from Build-A-Bear. While we waited to board the plane, she periodically opened the box and pulled a stuffed rabbit out by its ears. I initially assumed it was for the same kid whose closet she'd raided, until midflight she grabbed it out of the overhead bin and smothered it in her equally overstuffed cleavage while she slept.

-- The cockdragon behind me held up our takeoff because he refused to get off the phone. The flight attendant urged him to turn his Treo off--a request he repeatedly ignored, waving her away as he dropped the words "anywho" and "co-inky-dink" in the same sentence.*** When she threatened to yoink him off the plane, he hung up with an exaggerated sigh, and busied himself for the duration of the flight by kicking the back of my seat. Anywho, the second the landing gear kissed the runway, he immediately dialed someone so they could have the same exchange that EVERYONE ON EVERY SINGLE EFFING PLANE HAS TO HAVE:

Hey, I just landed!
No, I'm on the plane!

-- The couple across the aisle spread a miniature version of Scrabble across their tray tables, a game that becomes an unintentionally hilarious spectator sport when neither of the participants can spell. Right before my Xanax kicked in, the male half plunked down the word "BABONE" which he described as "that monkey with the blue ass". She nodded, marked his score, and triumphantly built the word "CARRIGE".

-- A couple with three kids got on the plane arguing with each other, probably because she was pregnant again with--from the size of her stomach--what was either a litter of golden retrievers or a golf cart. They took their seats, each struggling to staple a child in beside them. Everything was quiet as we taxied down the runway when she yelled, "You know, your dad has really gotten racist since he moved to South Carolina."

He responded with nothing, so she continued. "Seriously, I always thought your mom was the racist one, but no, it's him. And he's gotten even more racist lately."

Her husband--who I'd already christened Johnny Applesemen due to his K-Fed levels of fertility--unfastened his seatbelt, stood up, and whispered something to her, possibly along the lines of "I'll get you pregnant twice next time" before calmly taking his seat. She didn't say another word.

* Not a euphemism.
** As a result, I've spent the better part of two days shuffling around in my pajamas. That's not entirely different than my regular workweek, except my t-shirts are stained with cough syrup and chicken noodle soup instead of just Diet Coke and my own tears.
*** Another personal tenet of mine? I refuse to have sex with anyone who uses the word "co-inky-dink". Consider yourself warned.

But I made it back, despite my airborne disease, and I'm trying to get back to work. Starting today and continuing until I forget about it Christmas, I'll be posting the Twelve ELEVEN DAYS OF FAIL, recounting some of this year's more spectacular personal disasters, the ones that haven't already been written about. When I told The New Boyfriend about this idea, he said that this list was already 100% Fail because the real 12 days of Christmas didn't start until December 25, but whatever. That makes it even more Fail-icious.

Look for the first post later tonight. No, really.

One more quick programming note... I haven't forgotten about LOLHouse! I'm just technologically barren right now, like the MacBook version of Jennifer Aniston. I had to replace my old PowerBook a few weeks ago and was unable to transfer my copy of Photoshop because, um, it wasn't exactly purchased at a local retailer. What? DON'T JUDGE ME. Anyway, hopefully I'll get my mitts on another copy of said software and can fill in the missing episodes before the season resumes in January.


ballerinatoes said...

Use of the word co-inky-dink would put someone on my ever increasing "I hate you" list. You are to be commended for not snatching his Treo and beating him about his ears with it.

Brandi said...

The word "co-inky-dink" shouldn't come out of the mouth of anyone who is not a 7 year old little girl. He totally opened himself up to ridicule right there, on top of being an asshat about his damn phone.

And I'm not sure I can wait till January for LOLHouse! I don't know if you're interested (or if it would take the fun out of it for you), but there's an LOL photo generator thingy right here:

Uncle Ebenezer said...

Holy shit. Where to start?

"Snack basket" No way that's a real term, plus you had "easy access to it." Perv.

What would you have done if he had licked his hands and wiped them on your face? Lord Rhinovirus, I mean; oh ye of aggressive contagion.

"Cockdragon"? I peed a little.

"Babone"? Too easy.

"Johnny Applesemen"? Please get the mental image out of my head.

I could go on, but I won't. Hilarious freaking post. Welcome home, hope you feel better.

amindinmotown said...

I definitely said "co-inky-dink" all the time as a child/teen. Guess sex is out. Damn. I was so looking forward to it.

Phil said...

It looks like I'll be flying home on Thursday. I doubt my recap will be nearly as exciting as seeing a woman about to birth a litter of golden retrievers (or a golf cart), but we shall see.

Susan said...

A CARE BEAR'S ASS??? Holy shit. That was hysterical. I needed that laugh today.

titanjon said...

Just heard a co-worker break out "Any-whoooo." Ugh. I'm so with you there.

liz said...

like the MacBook version of Jennifer Aniston.

Funniest thing I've read/heard all day.

The Imaginary Reviewer said...

My God, you're brilliant. Every time you post I come away in awe. Marvelous!

Wordnerd said...

What a co-inky-dink ... I feel the same way!

Great post -- I'm STILL laughing.

Mike said...

"She didn't say another word."

What did he say!!!!!!!!!!

Katherine said...

So glad you're back. I have greatly missed your posts, your excellent writing skills, your wonderful, warped sense of humor. And, girl, you can turn a phrase. Comparing the pastel Uggs to a Care Bear's ass made me LOL.

Glad I didn't have to watch that Scrabble game. Adults who cannot spell get under my skin. Can't believe how many of them blog!!

Can't wait for the 11 Days of Fail. Gives me something to look forward to. (Yes, I do have a sad life. . .)

X-Country2 said...

Awesome flight recap! The build-a-bear killed me.

Christy said...

Okay, I try so hard to keep my generic "GREAT POST" to myself because I figure that if I left that comment on every post you wrote, I'd look more stalkerish than I already do...err...nevermind.

This one, however, had me waking up Hubby to share! (I'm still not sure why he hasn't just subscribed to the feed himself!...k, we can't all be perfect, right?)

So hilarious, though, seriously!!!

& I agree w/Katherine: An adult who can't spell needs to go back to middle school or set as the default search engine on their internet browser! GEEZ!!!

[bowing down to your writing-greatness]

alexis said...

THANK GOD lolhouse will be back - because when I watch it I try to think of things you're going to say! LOLJMoney

The Dutchess of Kickball said...

LOL it's like you were traveling with the "I'm pregnant with my 18th baby" lady. This comment would have been funnier if I had known her name. Oh well.

Sandi said...

I totally agree about co-inky-dink.

Thank God LOLHouse will be back. I've been having withdrawal.

Perfectly Shelly said...

I love you. That's all.

Oh, and I occasionally misspell spelling skills are deteriorating rapidly in my old age, I hope you will love me back, despite my failure to spell correctly at times.

I know, I know I said that's all earlier, but you are my blog crush today---price tag on the boobs.......the kid whose closet she raided....I know her!! She works in my building......I'm sure she doesn't eat, either.

Ok, now that is all.

punchlinewalking said...

For our amusement, you should fly more often.

joaaanna said...

The guy on the phone was Kenny Tarmac!!!!! (Bob & Tom Show)