Monday, January 19, 2009

Kurt Plus

With yesterday's NFC Championship win, My Beloved Kurt Warner™ is going to the Super Bowl for the third time since the '99 season.* He's had a quarterbackin' career** that's been doublestuffed with the kind of improbable plot twists rarely seen outside of Kevin Costner movies and I couldn't be happier. Um, not unless after the game he'd come through the TV screen Poltergeist-style to grab a fistful of nachos and make out with me.***

There was much celebration within the walls of my apartment yesterday, the mood changing with the score, from optimism to NO YOU SHUT UP to whatever emotion involves tears and maybe peeing a little.****

I also learned that my dog is a poor loser.

Yes, that's a Cardinal clenched in his jaws. Not Pictured: My hissed threat that since he's so smart, perhaps he could learn to feed himself. Good luck opening the bag, Thumbless.

* Super Bowl XXXIV was played on January 30, 2000...not like I recall every single detail including the fact that I almost made out with my creepy across-the-courtyard neighbor just so he would let my roommate and I borrow his oversized television for the game.
** I fully intend to write another Kurt-centric post before the Super Bowl and I'm debating whether to scan the picture from the charity golf tournament where I met him. The Pros: I'm touching him. I'M TOUCHING HIM.; The Cons: I'm wearing jorts and a garish at-home haircolor frequently modeled by anyone who's ever lost a trailer to a tornado.
*** My mother's first text to me after the game: "Get your lips off the TV screen."
**** That sounds like dementia.

23 comments:

lacochran said...

Mr. Pigglesworth does look like he could use a snausage or two.

BC said...

Although Kurt played a fantastic game, I have to say that he's looking a little rough these days. His face is all hollowed out and he has taken to wearing a comically-oversized jersey. Your sex fantasy has some sort of wasting disease -- I'd move on if I were you.

X-Country2 said...

I want to like Kurt. I kind of dig the silver fox hair and pillow lips, but the nutbag wife is just too much. I question his judgment.

The Imaginary Reviewer said...

So your Mum is as funny as you? That's good to know.

(Holy crap! My word verification is 'comical'! I shit thee not!)

Matt said...

I always though Warner was a weirdo because of his weird religious fetish. The guy actually hands out playing cards with a picture of himself and Jesus.

NO joke.

you can get Kurt + jesus on a playing card if you go to his church.

iartaday.com said...

ooof. Not a good day to be an eagles fan reading your admittedly awesome blog. I will continue to sulk - and read. Kurt did a killer job though. Too good of a job really...

lucklys said...

haha, the text from your mom is hilarious!

Julie_Gong said...

your dog must be a Steeler's fan. I'm ok with that.

Mike said...

You forgot to mention how incredible your live-Tweeting was.

Some of it was X-rated, some of it made me shed tears. It was gorgeous.

Please post excerpts. :)

Robbie said...

So who am I supporting this Super Bowl?

Tom said...

I didn't know your dog was from Pennsylvania.

But I'm with you on Warner. I like the guy and I hope they win. Plus if the Cardinals can win the Super Bowl, every lost cause will have hope again.

nwgdc said...

I agree...he IS looking a bit thin these days, and the jersey needs to be sent through the dryer about 7 times.
Other than that, I'm a fan and looking forward to the big game!

Mike said...

Super bowl XXXIV - Best super bowl game ever.

hoppster said...

you lost me at NFC Championship.

except that i closet did watch the game, and closet was really excited when the cardinals won. wait, we're rooting for the cardinals right? that's what this post was about?

all i know is, flight of the conchords. is back.

(word verification: skagir - someone who makes ska music or dance moves)

megstar73 said...

Your mom sounds like a pistol!

BC said...

Also, to compound your misery, Brenda is actually kind of attractive now. It's as if she realized that a grey brushcut wasn't really a flattering aesthetic choice. Either that or she is a succubus leeching the lifeblood out of Kurt. Regardless, Jesus has been very, very good to her and therefore conversely hates you.

angelsroy33 said...

I myself think Kurt Warner looks awesome. I like that he looks a little older,(men can get away with that,they DO GET BETTER LOOKING the older they get.Makes me sick.)I'm not a Cardinals fan, but definitely want them to win the Super Bowl.How can you not, when he used to work at a grocery store, and was a back-up last year? Look at him now,...AGAIN. I'd be thanking the Lord too.
Oh, and I think I peed my pants laughing so hard when I read your mom's text to you. OMG,LOL.

angelsroy33 said...

I myself think Kurt Warner looks awesome. I like that he looks a little older,(men can get away with that,they DO GET BETTER LOOKING the older they get.Makes me sick.)I'm not a Cardinals fan, but definitely want them to win the Super Bowl.How can you not, when he used to work at a grocery store, and was a back-up last year? Look at him now,...AGAIN. I'd be thanking the Lord too.
Oh, and I think I peed my pants laughing so hard when I read your mom's text to you. OMG,LOL.

Hillary said...

your dog is gorgeous, even if he is a poor loser

Brookie Brooke said...

I was not making out with the TV Sunday night. Because my beloved Unibrowed QB fell for the third time to the freaking Steelers.
ALL I wanted was a Bird Bowl. Ravens and Cardinals.

But then life kicked me in the ass. Dangsies. I'm happy for you. Now please tell Kurt to speak to his bff Jesus and make sure the Steelers get their asses handed to them.
K thanks.

Jo said...

Pretty much that's all-around awesome.

BC said...

Do you retire your hats once the salt stain reaches the end of the brim?

Timi said...

I will be puttin a little money on Arizona for the Super Bowl!
Your little dog is very cute.