Wednesday, January 14, 2009

No_WayCupid

This morning I went to Borders hoping to be productive--to write--but after an hour all I'd done was eat three gingerbread mistakes from the clearance barrel and make a scene by sucking the spilled coffee out of my napkins. "What?" I asked the open-mouthed Brooks Brother beside me. "We're in a recession." I was packing up my Mac and hoping that my black sweats would camo the unfortunate amount of underbutt sweat I'd collected when the bickering couple beside me caught my attention.

"Two weeks! We've dated two weeks which means you're still supposed to be nice to me!" She smacked the side of the table with a Keith Haring calendar, a gesture which didn't get his attention since he was building a pyramid out of Dean Koontz hardbacks. "JASON. Answer me!"

She was art school attractive, her perfect skin and spatula-sized teeth canceling out the fact that she was dressed like a Lost and Found bin. He, by contrast, had the kind of wild-eyed expression and untamed Fraggle hair that suggested that his evenings were spent pounding Jack Daniels and eating live chipmunks.

"ANSWER ME." She pounded the table again, sending fifty dollars worth of Dean skidding to the floor. "You made me spill my Koontz," he said, calmly collecting the books and Jenga-ing them on top of each other. "Now I've got dirty Koontz."

Both of them looked at me when I snickered. "Sorry. Asthma attack."

"YOU KNOW WHAT, JASON?"

"No, what?"

"You're stupid, Dean Koontz is stupid, and OKCupid is stupid." She stood up, collecting her oversized purse and calendar before cocooning herself in at least 25 feet of crocheted scarf. Jason slid his chair back, the legs screeching against the tile. He picked at his beard, pulling out what looked like a fingernail clipping and flicking it to the floor.

Finally he looked at her.

"You made a rhyme."

"WE'RE SO BROKEN UP RIGHT NOW! THAT RHYMES." She stomped off, making a high pitched squeal, the kind of sound you'd hear if you punched a Build-A-Bear.

He took a deep breath. Brushed some imaginary crumbs off the table. Tucked his hair behind his ears. "No it doesn't," he said softly before pulling her chair close enough to put his feet on and cracking the spine of Odd Hours.
__________

Obviously, I was delighted. The seven bucks I'd dropped on this was so much more entertaining than the ten I spilled on Benjamin Button, with a stronger female lead and fewer dead babies. I had fifteen minutes of free internet left and decided I'd try to find these people on OKCupid, logging some extra Creepytime before heading home.

I dialed up the site, typed in my ZIP code and the first person on the results page was a guy who lives in my building, his pic showcasing the same sullen expression he rewards me with when we stare at each other from opposite sides of the elevator. I clicked his profile, hoping it would explain why he always smelled like bleach.

I quickly gave up on King Clorox and D-Koontz, instead clicking from pic to pic of dudes who share my state bird. With five minutes of free highspeed left, I hurriedly collected some of my favorite pics, profiles and tidbits from this metro area. Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society...

This gentleman's profile actually included the phrase 'playful and fun-loving' which only applies if your idea of fun involves puncture wounds.


"You should also message me if you can tell me what some of these words mean."



"I was going to bring you flowers but instead I've collected your cats' souls."


Omigod, me too! Nothing gets me hotter than an ascot, a mustache, and rabies.



I'm so conflicted by this picture, Master_Blaster, because my biggest turn on is an overdeveloped thigh but my biggest turn off is a pair of slouch socks.

You may want to rethink that last sentence.

In your mind, that "other parts of my anatomy" line is supposed to make me think that your penis is so comically oversized that on the weekends you use it to have Double Dutch contests, but I'm actually concerned that you're dragging your own entrails behind you.


"Contact me if you've ever wondered what it would be like to have sex with a Hot Topic."


Sir, if the word manskirt immediately follows the word needlework, it's automatically classified as a bitchskirt, unless by needlework you meant crippling addiction to heroin.



This actually conjures more questions than it answers, mainly why you're hanging out in the men's room with a camera. This also looks like the worst first date ever, since one of us would have to sit on the floor.


Huh. Do you have a hard time finding pants that fit?

While part of me is offended, the other part is pleased that you used the correct form of "You're". Well played, Poon_Raider.
__________

After twenty or so profile clicks and an equal number of dry heaves, OKCupid told me my time was up unless I became a member. I seriously considered creating a profile--if only to learn more about Dirty_Hairy's Ewok fetish--but my preferred screenname was taken.



Coincidentally "Needy PoopChute" is available this month on Pay-Per-View.



Even though I hit upon the right combo of letters for a login, I decided not to go through with it. I never cared for Dean Koontz anyway.

80 comments:

Your Ill-fitting Overcoat said...

I just laughed so hard at my desk that I'm afraid I've been fired at this job, and my next three, simultaneously.

BloodRedRoses said...

I need to change. I have just peed my pants. SO FUNNY!

I need to stop reading you while I'm at work. It only leads to embarassing times...

JM said...

Wow...just...wow.

Not that "Jason" needs ideas anyway, but Dirty Koontz sounds like a band name. I can't decide if they'd be awful or amazingly awful

Curly Su said...

This is what I hope: that the couple are actually pretending to fight and create a scene for both their amusement and that of others.

What do you think - is it possible?

lucklys said...

hahaha! what the hell are these guys thinking? you found some classics, haha

KC said...

Holy crap, that was hilarious. Though I'm sure my boss is wondering why I'm laughing at the divorce case I'm working on. Though divorce is kind of funny...

bzzzzgrrrl said...

Fantastic.
I am a little ashamed to admit that I am actually on OKCupid, and a little ashamed to admit that half or more of my usage is around finding the least appropriate people ever and e-mailing their profiles to my single friends.

Nej said...

Holy crap! Awesome post!!!

The Imaginary Reviewer said...

It was the cats' souls that made the coffee/keyboard interaction, and the dragged entrails that finished off my monitor. God, that was funny.

Perfectly Shelly said...

Are those guys real? If so, I am so glad I'm middle aged and 21 years married. Seriously.

Secondly? You are my 'I love you' today----OMG...I am sure the people who reside in adjoining cubicles were wondering what the snorting and wheezing was---

I want you to be my next door neighbor.......'Kay?

DiaryofWhy said...

That is some impressive thigh scrotum Master_Blaster is sporting. I wouldn't want to run into that in a dark alley...

Heather Rose said...

A friend of mine just sent me a link to your post, and now I want to leave my husband and marry her...or you. What the heck?! Both!

Word Perv said...

OMG. I think I just peed myself laughing!!!

Strong Cookie said...

"She was art school attractive, her perfect skin and spatula-sized teeth canceling out the fact that she was dressed like a Lost and Found bin."

best. description. EVER.

Herding Cats said...

You had me at "My Koontz is dirty."

Hazel said...

this post had me laughing out at my desk. hilarious!

Justine said...

Geniosity. I think I may have passed my spleen laughing.

Yours, Poon_Raider, erm, no, wait...

Matt said...

oh come on Master_Blaster deserved a message at the very least, right?

no?

Movie Maven said...

I laughed so hard I think I inhaled/swallowed a paperclip sitting in front of me on my desk.

I declare this meeting of the Midnight Society closed.

*Akilah Sakai* said...

Fan-f*ckin'-tastic read. Laughed the whole way through. Double Dutch with a peen?! Interesting...

the queen of awkward said...

Laugh-crying at my desk right now. Folks I share this office with are seriously concerned for my mental health but reading this was totally worth it.

A pretty nice little Saturday said...

The best thing I've read all day, or week, or month, or maybe longer.... HIGHLY entertaining!

iartaday.com said...

wow. just wow.

Mama Simmons said...

You totally crack me up.

Should I be really distressed that I met my husband (and father of my child) on the internet???

Miss B. said...

I LOVE that Poop_Chute was taken, lol...

violetroom said...

Oh my god,you are HILARIOUS!!!!!!!!

Andy said...

That's beyond disturbing, and yet you know those guys get more ladies than any other guys out there. Sad but true

*~*Lis*~* said...

I can't believe you didn't snag PoopChuteilicous!

KT said...

I think I just peed my pants but I'm too lazy to do anything about it.

Katie said...

Wow.

That was a fabulous post.

If there was somewhere for me to nominate you for president or something, I'd do it.

Poop Chute.

Priceless.

*Heading over to Cupid site now*

Haha.

Sarah said...

Dear lord my abs are going to be sore tomorrow after laughing for about 5 minutes straight.

Nice sleuthing work on this one.

peterdewolf said...

That was pretty genius.

Erin The Great said...

That was hilarious! I love it when people have private fights in public places... It's like getting that cheap thrill from Reality Television!

Dexter Colt said...

Now you need to trawl the site for 5 girls to pair with these 5 douches. They exist. On the internets anything is possible.

And, muscle leg is the funniest of them all. He looks like he can kick a woman to death.

Elaine Warner said...

Why you're not writing Saturday Night Live is beyond me. Oh, yeah, IT'S not funny. You, on the other hand .....

mnroomom said...

thank you SO much for this post. it's been hell week (and it's only Wed.) and this was the first thing in a long while to make me laugh. ok. laugh and pee a little. so, thank you.

katie c said...

hahaaa
poon_raider
i can't believe these people exist.

Mike said...

How do all these people find out about your new posts so fast? There must be some secret underground network going on here. Or a trick! That's it. There's a trick to finding out.

Sarai said...

I think I love you.
(I almost printed this out and showed it to my mother, but it's way too close to the Sabbath for her tastes so I'll just wait until Monday. Patience, Iago.)

Sandi said...

You should check out "Can't Believe He's still single". It's a blog with personal ads from, well people like you described here.

This is why I don't date.

stealthnerd said...

I probably would have gone with PoopChute_taco.

But that's just me.

Uncle Ebenezer said...

Poop Chute Taco was my nickname in high school. What are the odds?

menanddevils said...

To Mike,
we all have her as our homepage, and also in our bookmarks bar so that we can check back every seven and a half minutes. Which makes it hard to write an e-mail. Or browse Match.com effectively.

E said...

Have to agree with previous poster. I need to remember not to read your work at my work! (silently wiping the tears from my eyes)

Joy @ Big Time Fancy said...

Oh my god. Best usernames everrrr.

Analyst Catalyst said...

Excellent response the the posting "My taint." Very, very funny.

KT said...

Maybe Chris Hansen can figure out what's wrong with these fellas since he's no longer trying "To Catch a Predator"

This is some funny shit.

emmysuh said...

I'd click Not Contagious. Better than "I'm Getting Treated, But Let's Hope for the Best"....

Great post, one of your best ever...

Phil said...

Eavesdropping is the best. And seriously, the Hot Topic dude with the spider web tattooed on his eyelid? Anyone that devoted to Hot Topic is either still in high school or a pedophile.

hoppster said...

i'm going to start a new blog called 'that's what he said' - which will only feature highlights from okcupid profiles.

seriously? seriously.

nancypearlwannabe said...

Please email me your zipcode so that I can A) never move there and B) continue to look up these awesome profiles. PLEASE.

lacochran said...

These pictures are fantastic! You have to wonder what the hell they're thinking... "Yeah, that looks good."

*eye roll*

shaz said...

I just laughed so hard that I am crying. Mascara is running down my face and I look like a ghoul!

emily said...

Oh, Slappytown. I read this in the waiting area of an OB-GYN and involuntarily wheezed, "Poop chute!" under my breath, causing a woman to relocate her child across the room. "Aiden, sweetie, let's leave that lady alone, okay?"

KatieSaysSo said...

quite possibly the funniest post ever....i have no other words!!!

Andi said...

Damn! I just laughed out loud and now they know I'm not working!

Schmutzie said...

You are being featured on Five Star Friday! http://www.fivestarfriday.com/2009/01/five-star-friday-edition-37.html

Chic Runner said...

Oh my gosh, this is pure hilariousness in my cubicle. Thank you. and what are those guys doing with their lives.... what would their mothers say?!

Jes said...

Oh.My.God. If I had a day job I would have been fired for laughing long and hard at this!

Mike said...

I can't wait for a response post to all this.

And no cheating with a 'thanks everyone' reply.

X-Country2 said...

Were you doing that thing where you sit absolutely still trying to hear what's going gone and cursing your lungs for breathing so loud? I would have.

Harobed said...

Definitely one of your best posts ever! "dirty Koontz" and "Poop_Chute"--hilarious!

Phocion said...

Wow..it's cites like that which make the internet regretable since the world was undoubtably better off when people like that couldn't meet a so easily and breed!

Marathon Maritza said...

I didn't read through all 289473091407 of your comments so I'm not sure if anyone has pointed this out already....

But did you notice Master Blaster also appears to have taken the shot of his giant quads in a cemetary?

Timi said...

Great post! I was laughing rembering my days of on line dating and also remembering..........why I'm glad I don't have to do it anymore! Oh the stories one collects when on line dating.
What the hell are people thinking sometimes???

Stacey said...

I didn't think it could get much better than your portrayal of the couple until you got down into the online profiles. I think I've found my new favorite blog.

Incidentally, I wrote about my experiences with Match.com today. I thought I had found some weirdos on there, but apparently all the winners hang out on OKCupid.

P.S. Why is my word verification "aimflo?" And does that make anyone else feel skeeved out?

Stacey said...

Now it's "tokegs." That might warrant the "aimflo."

alexis said...

This was hilarious! I loved the guy in the bathroom!!

PCMG said...

Your website is how my brother and I bond.
The PoopChute thing basically glued us together.
Maybe, for our bonding purposes, you can do another LOLHouse? We do not only love it. WE NEED IT.
Love,
PoopChute McGee

Nanny Goats In Panties said...

Ack! I don't know what to say. You made all this up, right? RIGHT?!?!?!?!??! OhMyGod you're not making this up!

Jaxie Fantastic said...

I am so glad I didn't read this while I was at work... You're hilarious!!!

Underfunded Heiress said...

LOL! That guy in the pink mens restroom is so wrong in so many ways! Creepy!

G. Chantel said...

Oh Holy Christ, I need a napkin.

B said...

Holy, that was Great! I laughed so hard, and I thank god Maine is small enough not to have these folks online where I search.... hahhaa, thanks for the morning funnies!

the frog princess said...

I think I need to invest in a Life Alert (TM) necklace before I read your blog. My cat doesn't know how to dial 911 and I'm pretty sure your head can explode from laughing too hard...

Not_Contagious. Priceless.

lifestudent said...

I was going to sign up on OkCupid, but both "assclown" and "ass_clown" were taken. Screw that!

dicampbell said...

LMAO! This post was ALL kinds of awesome.

You also reaffirmed why I don't like online dating Web sites.

Erin Atherton said...

i vote "quads" the winner. at least you know he can tie his shoes.
"tattoo eye" scared the shit out of me.

Anonymous said...

Omg youre so funny and cooky. Oh wait, no, just irritating. Grow up.

BitchBuzz said...

I just about died reading this. Slouch socks?!!?!!