Wednesday, February 04, 2009

Seacrest Out

Every year I go through the same drill. I tell myself that I'll just watch American Idol during the unintentionally hilarious Hollister-scented audition episodes* but then inevitably it's Hollywood week and I'm still lip-syncing Seacrest's intros, sinking deeper into the sofa cushions, draped with a 45-pound dog blanket and shouting things at the screen about the contestants' scarf selections.**

Last night I tuned in at the gym while I did a low-impact climb of the animated mountains on the elliptical machine, willing to bludgeon my brain matter in exchange for an ass perky enough to serve a Butterball on. The teevees attached to the cardio equipment have all been formatted with closed captioning, tediously scrolling sentences across the screen at a glacial speed matched only by grocery store conveyor belts and mall walkers, which means when I'm getting my AI on, every word the contestants belt out tag teams both my eyes and ears.

Last night, though, it served a purpose. One contestant whose name I can't remember but who wore a glitter t-shirt and a pair of impractical glasses*** sang Seal's "Kiss From a Rose" and I stopped mid-pedal, shocked to learn that the lyrics to that song aren't "Now that the rose isn't bruised/A light hits the glue on the grapes".****

My mind? BLOWN.

My other issue with the Idol is that I can't decide if it should make me more or less secure in my own wardrobe selection. Everyone dresses in layers, the fashion equivalent of a bean dip, dropping tees over oxford shirts, sliding skirts over leggings, along with hats and bangles, headbands and piercings.


Am I supposed to be wear shit like this? Because when I layer, it tends to be a pair of sweatpants under a bathrobe, casually accessorized with a generous splotch of spilled Danimals and a vague sense of impending disaster.

I'm no fashion expert. My closet consists mainly of screenprinted t-shirts and items purchased at stores that also sell padlocks and litter boxes, but I think accessories are like nipples. Two of 'em are totally cool but any more than that and you look ridiculous.

* I also tell myself that I just watch porn to see which sofas are the most stain-resistant.
** Part of my Idolphilia is because I have a thing for Simon Cowell. And by 'thing' I mean 'recently lint-rolled sheets and a vacancy on the nightstand side of my bed'. Yeah, despite his bitch tits, his overdone dental work, and the fact that we have the same haircut.
*** That narrows it down to approximately 143 people.
**** The actual line is "And now that your rose is is in bloom/A light hits the gloom on the grey" which is, like, 1% less nonsensical than what I've been singing since '94.

26 comments:

punchlinewalking said...

Oh god, I'm right there with you. I. can't. stop. watching. Plus I do a mean "THIS is A-merican Idol" a la Seacrest and it would be a shame to hide that from the world.

*Akilah Sakai* said...

Now that's what I call layering! Sweats, a tee and a robe with Kit Kat and Snickers wrappers stuffed in the pockets.

amindinmotown said...

Um, I actually this home dude on the far right looks pretty good... Am I alone on this one? It's possible...

inflammatory writ said...

I always thought it was "Now that your rose is in bloom, a light hits the gloom on the GRAVE". Hmmm...I need to google.

bex said...

The Nipple-Accessory law is now my own personal mantra.

Dr Zibbs said...

When that dude on the left was bawlin' I was laughin'.

Writers Block said...

Can't beat a bit of 'Ken Lee'.

As I work from home, I usually wear nothing but a pair of boxers whilst attending teleconferences with clients and my boss.
Thank god they don't have video conferencing.

Scottsdale Girl said...

Hello J Money - new reader here!

Hi!

Love the blog. When ya gonnna go Jen Lancaster on us? Huh? :)

MoxieMamaKC said...

This is probably the most hilarious thing I have read all week! For me, I had no idea the 1960's song "Secret Agent Man" was that until I was about 16 and learned it wasn't "Secret Asian Man".... We have the same fashion sense and Simon attraction/distaste. Nice post!

Rants Of Rian said...

I am always the girl who is singing the wrong words or the wrong verse.
AC/DC'S hit, 'Shoook me all night long' is one I have been f'ing up royaly for a decade. I would be shakin my ass on the dance floor singing "You should be all right now" I was mortified while watching VH1 in captions.

FunnyGal KAT said...

I noticed a ton of scarves last night, too... and I'm not from around there, but isn't Hollywood usually warm enough that long scarves looped around the neck a bajillion times aren't actually needed? And the dude on the left is when I started wondering just what the "stylists" they mentioned were there for.

I really do watch only for the bad auditions (especially the people who think they are waaaaaay better than they actually are) so last night bored me a little. I mean, not enough to stop watching or anything, but still a little boring.

S. said...

I think my 6 year old cousin was their stylist which is why she needs approval on her wardrobe selections before she walks out of the house.

Belle Ecrivaine said...

Judging by your love for Cowell and Laurie, I'm assuming your type is Brits that are jerks and old enough to be my dad. Could be a lot worse.

laura marie said...

Well crap.

I thought it was 'a light hits the moon on the grave' And I felt bad for my mom when the song came on the radio on the way to my grandpa's funeral.

I guess I didn't need to be so dramatic about it

Mary Moore said...

Love your layering style. Very similar to mine. Lots of thought put into it, without making it look well thought out. Good for you.

Lindsay said...

That song has never made sense to me. Knowing the real lyrics just makes me more confused than ever.

Cecelia said...

"I think accessories are like nipples. Two of 'em are totally cool but any more than that and you look ridiculous."

Just hilarious!! ;)

I hope you don't mind that I am borrowing it to quote on my latest post about accessories.. I hope it's okay. (otherwise let me know and I'll remove it immediately)

Mike said...

What gender is contestant 103187. I'm guessing female but I could be wrong.

Christine said...

I liked your blog in a post today as the seal song lyrics cracked me up.

jen said...

I thought it was "light hits the moon on a grave." Like I really thought I'd looked it up and those were the lyrics. Fuck Seal anyway.

I'm too into Biggest Loser to watch Idol this time. These are the decisions that matter!

LBN said...

this is officially my favorite post of the day! i do the same with with america's next top model - once i watch one episode (which i swear each season i won't do!) i'm hooked for the season.

and i not only fuck up song lyrics but random words in the english language too. i like to think i'm special.

Dexter Colt said...

Layering is great when you're hiking. Not really sure if it works as well for singing.

Asphodel said...

Heh. I thought the swimsuit model was a hoot... she wasnt that bad though, and I'm sure she'll bring AI more viewers...

I don't get why they need the new judge chic anyway, she doesnt bring alot to that table.

jumblejo said...

I love your accessories commentary. It's perfect. (Especially the part about the Danimals and a sense of impending disaster.)
And yes. There is something deliciously irresistible about Simon.

KT said...

Not sure it's your thing but I left you an award on my blog.

K said...

I have a similar love/hate relationship with Survivor. I know it's a train wreck and I know it's a complete waste of brain space, but I can't help myself.