Monday, February 23, 2009

The Weakest Links

If I tell you to warm up your mouse, it's totally not a euphemism. Here's some stuff for clickin'.

1) As I attempt to take over the internet, I hope to supplement my bloggery with more, you know, actual journalism* and stuff. Unfortunately I kind of suck at it. Behold three minutes** of what not to do during an interview.

I sincerely hope I'll get to alienate all kinds of people in the future, or at least make them uncomfortable by insisting that I sit close enough to them that our knees touch.

2) I'll be contributing regularly to an up-and-kickin' site called BitchBuzz, spilling several hundred words a week on TeeVee and tunes and flicks and stuff. My first article went up today and it's all about my favorite spandex-wearing British comedian, Russell Brand.

3) Finally, if you missed the Oscars last night because you were doing something that didn't involve sinking deep enough into the sofa cushions that you almost made it to Narnia, here are my own personal highlights, everything from the fact that I would lick live bees off of Daniel Craig's chest to sadly realizing that at some point between 1988 and now, Kevin Kline turned into Mark Twain.

4) That's it.

* Seriously, I'm pitching several pop culture-y sites a week, throwing lots of words in everyone's inbox in the hopes that something will stick. If you guys have any suggestions, leave 'em in the comments. The day I get hired to write about music is, well, probably the day I'll get run down by a distracted UPS driver.
** My only regret is that my giant face takes up the entire frame,*** totally shotblocking the Billy Joel t-shirt I'm wearing.
*** Except for an uncredited appearance by the light switch on the wall.


*Akilah Sakai* said...

First, the dolphin sound was spot on.

Second, that dinosaur makes me tingle. He's cute...

Third, off to read your first article. Congrats!

Jaxie Fantastic said...

I'd hire you in a second if I had a cool pop culture-y place for you to kick out a few words. I don't, however, so I'll have to continue wishing you luck!!!

the frog princess said...

Ditto on Daniel Craig.

And I still do Kevin Kline... he's always had that moustache.

(PS - I gave you an award, but you have to go to my blog to get it. Shameless self-promotion at its worst.

Sarah said...

Just found your blog and you're freakin' hysterical!
Will Definitely come back.

Runner Leana said...

Wow, you do a good dolphin impersonation! Thanks for the laughs this afternoon!

Word Perv said...

Oh my god, I'm friggin' dying from laughter!!! My favorite parts:

~Who would win, you or Jesus?

~The dolphin bit (seriously, that's freakish good)

and of course,

~The dinosaur

Fucking awesome!

Missy said...

OMG, love it! The dolphin noise scared me. Have you been practicing? C'mon, it's ok to admit it...LOL.

KT said...

I hope you got your inspiration from Ryan Seacrest's metrosexual-tastic interviews last night. You could give him some pointers. It would be more more entertaining to watch Brad Pitt let viewers know if he would win against Jesus.

Anonymous said...

You're trying to be like Ellen Degeneres aren't you?

Jaxie Fantastic said...

ALSO, for my second comment of the day (I have no life), I've just given you an award over on my blog. Check it out for the details!

Your Ill-fitting Overcoat said...

I'm sorry but that Cher impression is dead on. Also, I'd like to have your babies plz kthx.

Anonymous said...

"Show me on the dinosaur"- that is gold right there. Especially since he's wearing a t-shirt. Also you do a really good Cher impersonation!

Blindsquirrel said...

Freakin' hysterical! You know that, though, don't you? You're officially my new favorite blogger.

p.huong said...

You had me going with all the Cher impersonation. I applaud people who can keep a straight face while saying ridiculous stuff.

Congrats on the article!

GYL said...

Great dolphin :) and the Cher was scary spot-on. How bout you sing 'Believe' in dolphin? LOL

J-Money said...

akilah sakai: I like you so much.

jaxie fantastic: Would you like to hire me to maybe just hang out in your living room and tell you, oh, I dunno, why to buy the new Morrissey album?

the frog princess: First...thank you. And secondly, yeah, I probably wouldn't boot K-Kline off the duvet. I'd just try not to blurt out anything from "Huckleberry Finn".

sarah: Awesome! Please come back!

runner leana: That's what happens when you spend 99% of your time alone. You get really good at impersonating sea mammals.

word perv: Thanks for the nice words...perv.

missy: Sometimes I try to recite poetry in dolphin, if that's what you mean by "practicing".

kt: Brad Pitt would not win against Jesus although I'm pretty sure Angelina would.

anonymous: I'm not sure what that means, but I assure you I'm not *trying* to be like anyone except a girl who sincerely wishes she didn't eat an entire box of fish sticks for dinner.

jaxie fantastic: You? Are the sweetest. Thank you very much.

your ill-fitting overcoat: Maybe we could just join forces and steal a baby.

anonymous: Well of course he's wearing a t-shirt! But no pants because that would just be ridiculous.

blindsquirrel: Gracias. That's going on my resume.

p.huong: My entire life has consisted of saying ridiculous stuff with a straight face.

gyl: I only sing "If I Could Turn Back Time" in dolphin.

Erin said...

My officemate now knows that I don't actually work at work, thanks to my inability to control my laughter at the dolphin noises and Cher impression (both of which were spot on, by the by).

The article was spot on too -- why CAN'T America accept Russell Brand unless he's making out with Veronica Mars?

RazZDoodle said...

I'm going to use your video in my interviewing lecture in my class.

emmysuh said...

I already left a gushing, adoring comment on Youtube and even though I'm slightly embarrassed by the fact that I pretty much offered to lick your shoes, I still stand by my feelings that the video was a delight.

Am reading the article -- seems very well written and humorous, as usual.

Mike said...

I like the wig in the video. It's a new you.

zlionsfan said...

+1 for the dolphin sound. Unfortunately, I'll have to keep reading/watching these at home now because the laughter would disturb my cubicle neighbors and I haven't yet displayed enough nervous tics to get them to leave me alone on command.

Looking forward to the articles. It's always good to see a good blogger get more notice. Hopefully those will lead to enough income to support your LOLHouse habit ... well, and things for yourself, I suppose, like your own place in London and stuff.

Of course Angelina would beat Jesus. She could simply trap him under one of her lips.

Michael said...

Gorgeous. Well done.

Billy Joel t shirts FTW!

cassette45 said...

I really wanted to comment bc your video made me giggle, but I seem to only think in phrases...

Billy Joel!

"Have you ever been sexually attracted to a muppet?" bawhahaha

Plus, you went to London which kills me with jealousy. It was my home for a semester in college, and I miss it like mad.

cardiogirl said...

Like all the others, I was extremely impressed with your dolphin impression.

And to answer that question (my mother was half-dolphin so I'm fluent), No. Well, only on Saturdays.

Mia said...

Very entertaining video :) Thanks for making a few minutes of my slacking off homework worthwhile!

FunnyGal KAT said...

I almost fell off the chair at the dolphin question... were you, perchance, abandoned by your parents at the beach as a child and raised to adulthood by dolphins? Just wondering.

Oh, and is it weird that I understood the question? (I don't think it is... I pick up new languages very quickly...)

Alya said...

OMG you do the best Cher and dolphin impressions ever!

Loved the video, I would totally watch your videos and read your articles. I'd love it if you had your own show on TV.

I'd be your stalker, if thats all right with you! You know that all famous people need at least ONE stalker right?

elle michelle said...

Okay, I'm THAT behind on my Reader that I'm just getting to this now, but that video was worth the wait -- one of the most hilarious things I've seen all month. I mean, I don't get out much, so I guess that's not the *best* compliment, but you get the idea.