Saturday, March 28, 2009

And Dann Florek as Captain Cragen

If anyone needs me for the next 17 hours, I'll be within one pajama-clad leg's length away from the USA network's ALL DAY1 Law & Order:SVU marathon. According to the opening credits, the crimes are 'especially heinous' and--according to anyone who's ever seen more than one episode--so are most of the scripts.

It's a horrible show but for some reason I can't pull myself away. It's like being at a party where dessert arrives in the form of a store-brand sheet cake and despite knowing how bad it will be--that the icing will taste like BandAids and the cake-y bits will be charred on the bottom--within ten minutes you've scarfed better than half of it, staining your shirt with $7.99 worth of self-loathing.

is my shitty sheet cake.

Enjoy your Saturday, everyone. See you on the other side of approximately 14 creepy pediatricians, 27 dead hookers, and one hard-nosed detective who's tough but fair.2

1 Save for sixty minutes between 11 p.m. and midnight when USA interjects one episode of Criminal Intent. This is when I'll take a break to brush my teeth.
2 That would be Mariska Hargitay's Olivia Benson whose hairstyle will change every three hours but I'll always think it's judging me.


Grass Ahn said...

i would be doing the same thing for a marathon of House. i had to watch a movie with my students yesterday, and painfully inserted Stuart Little into the VCR and prepared myself for 84 mins. of torture. then Hugh Laurie appeared as the dad, making the movie a hell of a lot better. get a pint of ben & jerry's--they're the best for eating in front of the tube.

Mary@Holy Mackerel said...

Wow, that definitely sounds like more fun than spring cleaning...

~wicked~ said...

ooo me's jealous! i love SVU and i think Mariska (pronounced correctly: Marishka as per documentary) is....well, you'd guess if you knew my orientation

anyhow, enjoy enjoy enjoy!

btw....LOVE your bloggings, girl

Anonymous said...

I am so JEALOUS. I wish I were doing the same thing right now. It would be even better if it was a Criminal Intent marathon.
A four-year old makes these kind of days IMPOSSIBLE.

The Dutchess of Kickball said...

I am convinced that I will be able to fight off a rapist, only because of Olivia Benson.

grace said...

damn it why don't I have cable???

if you're a netflix member, almost all of SVU is available to watch online, fyi. :)

tomorrow said...

Can I live with you? PJs? An SUV marathon? Seriously?

(FWIW, I just scooped *much* poop collected over the winter from the back yard.)

I'll bring sheet cake.

SA said...

I will totally be doing the same thing until the games come on. Hell, I'll be watching when the games do come on.

Mike said...

At what point in the 17 hour period does brain death occur? And how do they bring you back?

Wv: seexp - Ahhh the ol' golden sh.... nevermind.

Maxie said...

they plots may suck, but elliot stabler makes it worth it.


lacochran said...

How can you not love CAKE and FREE? Even if it's shitty, I'm eating it.

Michael said...

For Christmas a couple of years ago, I bought my wife a pair of autographed Law and Order scripts.

How awesome is that?

IRJessica said...

Have you watched any of the series Dexter? Highly recommend it- but really try to watch the episodes in order. I love SVU too- but had to quit altogether a year ago. It was making me paranoid... real paranoid. Hahahaha.

Phil said...

I admire your devotion and tenacity. I usually only make it through the interrogation scenes before I start screaming in horror from bad acting and plots recycled from the Murder Mystery recycle bin.

Non Sequitur Chica said...

I am obsessed with SVU too! I DVR'ed most of the episodes today.... :-)

Anonymous said...

I love, I love SVU, for me the best police series in the world. Now I do not deny that the series, the most remarkable performance, spectacular is the great actress Mariska Hargitay. The Olívia Benson created it is in my opinion the best female character of televisão.Olívia is tough, highly professional but also sensitive and caring, human and compassiva.E Mariska, along with Cris Melloni form a sensational double in incluisive beauty (they have a wonderful chemistry) and the talent

J-Money said...

Grass Ahn: I’d be lying if I said I didn’t watch Stuart Little just for Hugh Laurie. That’s also, um, why I watched 102 Dalmations and that wretched movie with Keanu Reeves as a monosyllabic police officer.

Mary@Holy Mackerel: Believe it or not, Little Miss OCD here had to finish her spring cleaning before she could sit down to watch SVU. For real. I have issues on a number of levels.

~wicked~: Oh yeah, Marishka is insanely attractive. Also even though I have a close approximation of her Season 2-ish hairstyle, she looks amazing and I look like a 12 year old runaway. Not. Fair.

Anonymous: Not if you follow the SVU episode template and chain the four year old inside an overturned shopping cart. Look at me, SOLVING YOUR PROBLEMS.

The Dutchess of Kickball: Me too! When I kick some assailant in the junk and shout “OLIVIA’S FATHER WAS A BASTARD LIKE YOU” he’ll probably be confused enough to scurry away.

grace: ARGH! I had to sacrifice my Netflix membership in a cost-cutting measure. I also gave up eyebrow waxing and the dentist.

tomorrow: I was all set for you to move in until you mentioned having a surplus of poop RIGHT BEFORE you said you were making a sheet cake. You might be able to be my roomie but I’ll be damned if I’m eating any brown-colored items you bake.

SA: Yet another reason why I’ve always liked you. Also, sorry about your little Devils.

Mike: I think I already had gaping holes in my thinking and reason parts before I even decided that this was a good idea.

Maxie: I’m not saying I’ve done this, but if you were to google “Christopher Meloni naked pictures” there would be a page of stills from Oz where his wang is on full display. AGAIN, not that I’ve done that.

lacochran: That’s the same reason why I can’t leave the grocery store without taking a handful of plastic-flavored sugar cookies from the “Free Cookies for Kids” bin.

Michael: It’s so awesome that—although I certainly wish you a long and happy marriage—if things go south, I think I would make an excellent second wife.

IRJessica: I’ve not seen the series but the books have been gathering dust on my shelf since I rescued them from the used book store. And I, too, suffer SVU-fueled paranoia, put on proud display last night when I stabbed a hand towel because it was in a rape-y looking shape.

Phil: The ironic part? The interrogation scenes are typically the best-acted portions of the show. They serve as the “let’s let our guest stars emote” forum.

Non Sequitur Chica: You are welcome to move in with me and Tomorrow, although I wouldn’t eat any of her sheet cake.

J-Money said...

Anonymous: Right on! Olivia Benson is pretty effing awesome. said...

Yeah- doesn't matter how many great choices are available- we all have our "shitty cake"
Mine is American Justice.

Aunt_B said...

My shitty sheet cake is Jon & Kate Plus 8. I hate that show and that woman but I have to watch it to keep my utter disdain for her in the forefront of my mind. I too have issues. LOL

Love your blog, it totally cracks me up!!

Gleemonex said...

I'm confused. I thought you were straight, but you brush your teeth during D'Onofrio? Even when he does the bendy thing?

emmysuh said...

That is EXACTLY what I did on Saturday. I had a particularly horrible night the night before, got up and ordered pizza with my best friend, and looked for SVU. We watched one episode, and then the voice over guy said, "The SVU marathon continues now!" and I went, "YEEEEESSSS. That is THE best possible thing that could happen right now."

I only moved off the recliner to see if the hot tub was warm enough yet or to get more Coke.

On second thought, maybe the weekend wasn't so miserable after all.

NikeRun said...

Ah SVU. I love that show. I DVR the new episodes and look for old ones when there is nothing else to watch.

I did catch about 3 episodes on Saturday and enjoyed that I hadn't seen them in a while.

corin said...

Love, Love, Love SVU and Mariska. I thought I watched the show for Det. Stabler, however it is for real that I watch the show for Det. Benson. She is a rockin role model for women :)