Tuesday, March 31, 2009

But I Haven't Got a Stitch to Wear

I tend to dress like a teenage runaway most of the time, all 100% cotton and untied Chuck Taylors, regardless of whether I'm home or at the gym or avoiding eye contact with former neighbors in the Food Lion parking lot. Today I rocked one of the many Morrissey-themed tees from my collection, the one that is several washings too small so my right boob gives him a forehead goiter.

My Moz tee. Let me show you it.

Anyway, I'm in the Y's weight room, staring at myself in the mirror and wondering when I developed a Predator-ish forehead vein when I notice a guy looking at me. Or, more specifically, looking at the Mozzer's misshapen face.

"Morrissey, huh?", he says. I lower my weights and nod. His eyes are a deep Windex-y blue and they are both fixed on my boobital region, which hasn't happened since...ever. "That's hilarious."

"Wait," I say, turning around so I'm not speaking to his reflection. "What do you mean hilarious?"

"You know. Like, irony or whatever. I have a Kool and the Gang shirt that I break out from time to time." He picked several terrycloth droppings off his shoulder and lazily snapped the towel at the forty-five pound plates.

Let me point out that I do have tees that I launder with, like, irony or whatever, from the one with Jimmy Carter's face beneath the words "Politicians Do It With Their Mouths" to the stack of shirts that imply that I enjoy country music or have recently had sex with another person. Those are hi-effing-larious. But I do, in fact, dig Stephen Patrick Morrissey and am willing to shop the Hot Topic clearance section to prove it.

"Um, yeah, I really do like Morrissey".

"Wow. Really?" I'm not sure he would've been any more surprised if I told him I was making a quilt out of my own scabs.

"For serious," I said, picking up another pair of twenty-pound tetanus risks.

"I'm sorry," he told me, using a tone that sounded like he was more upset that I spent my free time singing along with "Cemetry Gates" than he was about insulting the pre-shrunk pop star I'd wrapped myself in. "At least it's not Huey Lewis or something."

I started another set and decided I'd just let that one go.

So tomorrow I'll be spending six Slim Jim and McGriddle-filled hours on I-77, heading to Ohio to see the aforementioned Morrissey again. Why? Because after this April's annual installment of governmental sodomy, my bank account will be emptier than Oprah's womb. I may as well blow my last few bucks on something I know all the words to.

Get ready, Columbus, cause I'm heading your way. I'll be the one in the Morrissey t-shirt.


IRJessica said...

You'll be the one in an IRONIC Morrissey tee... bwaahaha. That is pretty funny. I love how you describe things (like his eyes)- so funny!

Mike said...

The forehead would be the left. Unless you're looking in a mirror. Then you're right.

Fionnuala said...

You showed quite a lot more restraint than I would have done in the same situation; well done.

Signal to Noise said...

Anyone who mocks me in my Smiths tee gets the stabby eyes. End of story. Your tact or restraint, whatever it may be, is notable.

drunk and offensive said...

I had a black sabbath t and it always caused similar experiences.

My best come-back to date is "Yeah, I know, right? And you're dressed like a closet homosexual, right? That's ironic AND edgy! Good job [thumbs up]". The impact is a little more if you say 'faggot' under your breath as you walk away.

GYL said...

Nothing like a boob-induced goitre :)

Sun Runner said...

Take me out tonight...where's there's music and there's people and they're young and alive...

Don't get run over by a ten-ton truck on I-77, OK?

In the world of crazy things one will do for one's beloved middle-aged British musicians, I am traveling to Mountain View, California, to see Depeche Mode (my favorite band EVAR) in concert in August.

I live in Michigan.

No, my finger didn't slip and I found myself accidentally buying a ticket to a concert 2500 miles away. I did it totally on purpose since DM isn't coming any closer to Detroit than Toronto or Washington DC. (Can you blame them, really?) I wanted to go to CA anyway for my "I'm Newly Divorced and Have Way Too Much Time On My Hands" vacation, and when I saw that DM was playing near my childhood hometown...it was FATE, DESTINY, I TELL Y'ALL.

Needless to say I'm so freaking excited already I don't know how I'm going to make it through the next four and a half months.

The only truly ironic T-shirt I own is one that says "Say yes to Michigan!" which was a state tourism slogan back in the 1970s, I guess.

los_tartist said...

How dumb does someone have to be to assume a Morrissey t-shirt is ironic? I mean a.) he's basically admitted to being a total novice at life. And b.)it's kind of like going up to a chubby woman and saying, "So when are you due?" Except in this case being chubby equates to having superior taste in music. It's not a perfect analogy.

F him. U rock.

Super Careo said...

I probably will be the only one to point this out ... but what is wrong with Huey Lewis? I like him AND his news. A lot.

What a stupid man!

*Akilah Sakai* said...

Gosh, this was friggin' hilarious!

I'm reading this and have "Walk Like A Man" on in the background with Howie Mandel learning to be "human" again. Haaa!

Your descriptions are awesome!

littlesack said...

i like that you call them "tetanus risks" because really- that is totally what they are.

repliderium.com said...

It's still chilly pre-spring here. A scab quilt would be nice.

Dr Zibbs said...

I'm printing this out and saving it in case he ever develops a forehead goiter.

Then I'm going straight to the newspapers.

emmysuh said...

FOR serious, is all I really have to say.

That, and spending money on things you love even if it means living broke is about the best motto I've ever heard of.

Mainly because I'm living by that too. I may not be able to pay my cell phone bill, but I HAVE seen Slumdog Millionaire two times and counting, and will see Flight of the Conchords this month. Sounds good to me.

Wait, no, I thought I was done, but then I remembered COOL AND THE GANG? Like they're the ultimate ironic symbol? Hhhokay.

Kelsey said...

Lol, "a quilt of your own scabs".

I'd listen to Huey Lewis and Kool and the Gang anytime. Eff that guy and his windex eyes.


Insert Idiom Here

Michael said...

I never got the whole "irony" thing-even when I started seeing 14 year olds wearing t shirts for albums that were released a decade before they were conceived.

Iron Maiden's "Piece of Mind"? Really?

Be proud-rock the Moz. You're totally hipper than they.

X-Country2 said...

You probably could have slept with him if you'd have copped to the "like, ironic" part. :o)

OI said...

I drove to Columbus from Kernersville once and bought a car. I hate that car.

Give to the Avon Walk for breast Cancer. Click on the link below.


KT said...

Hey! I am in Columbus! I would have totally bought you a Sonic burger!

where'smymom said...

Why didn't you come see him at my place of business: Carnegie Hall? Of course, no one likes me here enough to help me get tickets to anything. I could have gotten you in to hear an orchestra...yeah, and shown you what was Morrissey's dressing room. Or something.

Glaven Q. Heisenberg said...

I've had times when I was being what I thought was obviously ironic and people thought i was serious ... but never (that I can recall) a time when I was being serious and people saw it as ironic.

In the former case, I just shake my head and silently lament, Foax just don't get my sense of irony. (I take comfort in the fact ("fact", here, loosely defined) that this is obviously a defect in the world, not me.

But what does one (one=you) do when someone doesn't get one's (your) unirony? Have we entered the Post-Post-Post-Ironic Age where people don't "get" Earnest? (This, itself, would be rather ironic.)

(Ernest, by the way, was a f*cking GENIUS, by which I mean his kids TV show, not those stupid sell-out movies like Ernest Goes to Camp> I am TOTALLY serious.)

Your Ill-fitting Overcoat said...

Wait, who likes Morrissey IRONICALLY? That doesn't even make sense.