Wednesday, March 18, 2009

I'm Chevy Chase and You're Not

So this week I've been doing some for-real work, swapping some words for a paycheck that will allow me to splurge on extravagances like name-brand cough drops, heartworm pills, and an assortment of supermarket tabloids so I'll know exactly how the stars are just like us.1

Because I have the attention span of a brain damaged hummingbi--LOOK AT THE SHINY WINDOW I WANT TO PRESS MY FACE INTO IT RIGHT NOW-- I had to take yet another break to post these four things.

1) I'm making a new Life Rule that says I'm not required to swap smalltalk with anyone if I'm holding a still-steaming bag of dog shit. I try to take an interest in my neighbors2 to learn the things I can't gather by stealing their mail or examining the return-address labels on the FedEx boxes stacked Tetris-style in front of their doors, but if I'm holding a coiled assortment of my dog's butt nuggets, I really don't want to stand on the sidewalk impatiently shifting my weight while you spit out several paragraphs about your new Universal remote control, your skin condition, or the fact that the guy who sleeps in front of Kinko's says you should be a model.

Can I get a ruling on this? Because my Melvin Udall-levels of OCD mean that for the duration of our lopsided conversation, all I can focus on is the distance between me and the dumpster and the fact that there is poop in my hand there is poop in my hand there is poop in my hand and all that's keeping me from touching it is a piece of black plastic I bought at the Dollar Tree.

Two) It's already approaching 60 degrees outside but I remain swaddled in a Snuggie with each foot jammed into an UGG boot. I look like the shapeless offspring of Rosie O'Donnell and Grimace from the Happy Meal box.

#) Speaking of getting my Snug on, here's what my Saturday night looked like. The best part about this clip is that it both captures the past and gives me a fleece-lined glimpse into my future. I'm pretty sure that's how all of my weekends will play out unless the Snuggie is in the dryer and I have to slum it in my high school tennis hoodie, the one with cracked graphics and missing letters that spell out "Tiger Tenis".

I recorded this on my computer's built-in camera and I'm not sure why it flipped everything backwards. I also blame the camera for making my nose look like an oven mitt.3

4) For the pair of people who are interested, here's my review of Morrissey's new album and the concert where he LOOKED AT ME, HE LOOKED ME RIGHT IN THE FACE.

In the past week, my skin has cleared up BECAUSE OF HIS POWERFUL STARE. Or maybe it's because I stopped buying makeup at the grocery store. Either way.

1 I eagerly await the day that InTouch features a photo spread of Jennifer Garner recreating Picasso's Guernica with frosted animal crackers then trying to eat it all in one bite or a shot of Hayden Panettierrieieieieirre standing in front of the mirror wondering if she could put two buttons in her nose at once. Because then they'd be like us. And by us, I mean me, this morning, when I was supposed to be working.
2 Most of the people in my building are pleasant enough, save for the old woman who always smells like pennies and spends our twenty second elevator trips edging away from the Boxerbeast's leash, glaring at him like he's made of smallpox and demon.
3 My mother--whose awesomeness can only be expressed through interpretive dance and a fireworks display--called me to ask if the Snuggie fit. I hope when she posed that question she didn't know it was big enough to hide a Buick Regal in.


JustinS said...

Soon as they start the conversation, politely interrupt and ask them if they wouldn't mind holding the bag for you while you tie your shoe or something. They'll say yes right away and take it. Soon as they figure out what it is, they'll drop the inane conversation right there. Probably will toss it in the dumpster for you, too. Win/win.

Lizsara said...

misread 2) as old woman who smells like penis :o What a great first comment this was!

The Dutchess of Kickball said...

I often find that making a "hey, I gotta run" kind of shrug and showing the poop bag usually excuses you from any conversation. Unless it is the creepy maintenance guy that you are pretty sure goes through your underpants drawer when you aren't home.

Wordnerd said...

Just wondering if Snuggie Pub Crawls (yes, they exist - f'real!) have hit your area. Because that? Would be one kickass to go drinkin'. Dontcha think?

Martin said...

If you are holding a bag of dog shit, then you should also be with a dog. I mean, I hope to God to don't walk around with a bag of dog shit. Anyway, it may take a while, but teach your dog to snarl at strangers, and they won't want to talk.

Michael said...

O. M. G.

HOWLS of derisive laughter, Bruce!

Tagalongs RULE. You can take your thin mints, your weak ass thin mints, and stick them. Tagalongs absolutely RULE.

Great, great, great post.

RazZDoodle said...

just to be clear, the heartworm pills are for........?

Buf said...

OMG...Loved your "cross between Rosie O and Grimace" what a visual :D

Kelsey said...

Wow. that video just made my day. I'm pretty sure it gave me a vagoner (vagina + boner).

Luck o' the Irish said...

Holy hell, you are hi-larious! Must be that awesome southern air (holla! I lived in Charlotte for TEN LONG YEARS). Also, the book light unfolding reminds me of E.T.'s finger. The terrestrial, not the TV show. I wonder how your mom chose the Snuggie over the Slanket? Was there extensive analysis on % similarity to Cookie Monster? Mmmm....cookies. Peanut Butter.... Pardon me while I fetch a post-fantasy cigarette.

The Imaginary Reviewer said...

You should be extra polite (maybe even adopt an English accent, if at all possible), and say "I'm sorry, but I'm holding a bag of shit. Would you mind waiting while I deposit said shit in the nearest receptacle before I recommence this thrilling conversation? Much obliged."

Stress the word 'Shit'.

Jaxie Fantastic said...

Hilarious! Loved this post... You've got me laughing at work, which had me snorting Diet Dr. Pepper up my nose, always fun.

Thanks for the laugh!

Suz said...

Bwahahahaha! I LOVE your video posts! Most people's funniness in their blog doesn't transfer when you put them in front of a camera, but yours just gets better. I love it!

As far as the dog poop, I think you should say "would you mind holding this?" then shoving it at them to pretend to tie your shoe (take extra long like a 5 year old). Then just politely say "thank you", take back the baggie and walk off. I bet they won't stop to chit-chat with you while you're holding a small baggie ever again.

*Akilah Sakai* said...


You're eff'n hilarious. How many times can I say how funny you are?

Snuggie sleeve looking like a vajayjay? Haaa!

Sarah said...

I had no idea you could buy tagalongs on ebay! I don't have any girlscouts in my neighborhood nor do I know any personally and am therefore without my tagalong fix this year. It's sad.

zlionsfan said...

If they insist on carrying on the conversation, I'd recommend holding the bag in front of you, edging closer and closer to them as they continue talking.

If they notice the bag and recoil, pretend that you forgot you were holding it. "Oops, sorry, better go throw this away. See you later!"

Of course the downside is that if they are strangely attracted to the smell of dog poop, you'll eventually be standing within arm's reach of a very sick person.

Deidre said...

Wow - and here I thought snuggie impersonations were for Obi Won ...

No, J-money, Let the force be with you.

Mike said...

Dog shit problem? Not. Go back into house. Wait for neighbor to go in. Place bag at neighbors front door. Set bag on fire. Knock. Run.

Christy said...

I really thought there would have been more imitations of others such as the Monty Python monks, or a reference to bell bottoms, or maybe an impression of cookie monster? It's okay, I'll forgive you.

The video w/your awesome self was priceless, though, & well worth muting The Disney Channel for! But Tagalongs, really? I totally had you pegged for a ThinMints gal. Hmm, my prego hormones must be throwing off my meter. =)

J-Money said...

JustinS: I am interested in your ideas and would like to subscribe to your newsletter.

Lizsara: I’d probably like her better if she smelled like penis, if only because I would have confirmation that she does something other than clip out obituaries and try to lure Hansel and Gretel into her oven.

Dutchess of Kickball: We have the same creepy maintenance guy, although I’m not entirely sure that mine doesn’t actually try on the underwear.

Wordnerd: I am familiar with the Snuggie drankin’ events, but they haven’t made it here. We’re still doing Chia Pet Pub Crawls. Sad.

Martin: Yes, that should be implied, that I am with a dog. My own dog. I’m not a vigilante shit cleaner, like the Batman of lawn waste or anything.

Michael: Glad you dig it. If you would like some Tagalongs, I will send them to you because I’ve already given myself diabetes with the ones I bought on eBay.

RazZDoodle: All I’m saying is that Pigpen and I are both heartworm free. Draw your own conclusions.

Buf: It’s so true, maybe with a bit of Sasquatch thrown in.

Kelsey: By giving one viewer a vagoner, I feel like my time making it was well spent.

Luck o' the Irish: I’m not sure my mom had been tempted by the fruit of the Slanket, so I’ve been Snuggied instead. And I’m totally OK with that. The Slanket doesn’t come with a free ET finger.

The Imaginary Reviewer: I would do that, but I’d have to pause while my English accent and I looked up the pronunciation of the word “recommence”.

Jaxie Fantastic: Diet Dr. Pepper snorts more like Regular Dr. Pepper.

Suz: That’s the second suggestion for the shoe-tying fakeout maneuver. I may have to give that one a shit. Um. Shot. Give it a shot.

*Akilah Sakai*: I know, I’m sorry for the disturbing visual. I’ve just ruined Snuggies for everyone.

Sarah: DO IT. Buy the cookies on eBay. You will not regret it, especially when the return address on the box just says “TAGALONGS”, like they were sent directly from the Tagalong Farm.

zlionsfan: That’s an excellent suggestion as well. The Poop and I are going to start immediately invading their personal space. Now I’m kind of looking forward to my dog’s next bit of business.

Deidre: And also with you.

Mike: That would be awesome except the fire would be in the hallway near my apartment.

Christy: Nope, I went straight for the vajay jokes. And no worries, I have recently eaten a box of Thin Mints too. They’re my #2 Cookie selection, and would take over as my favorite if for some reason the Tagalongs were unable to perform the duties of being my Top Choice.

los_tartist said...

ohmigawd- tag-alongs are totally the best. Except, in my part of the world, we just call them peanut butter patties. And I'm still not sure why I haven't ordered myself a snuggie yet.

Glaven Q. Heisenberg said...

My wife (aka Teh 'Bride) loves SVU too, but as far as I'm concerned that show is only still on the air to prove that it is possible for a show to jump the shark more than once and I remember one three-week-long stretch where it jumped the shark each week even more so than the previous week, to the point where even the octomom's giant purple Grimace-like vagina was saying, "You know, this is a bit over-the-top."

But what SVU lacks in quality these days it more than makes up for in lack-of-quality - and I know you like the show and I'm sorry for venting about it here on your blog but Teh 'Bride still likes the show too, and she's made it clear to me that if I make JUST ONE MORE CRACK about it in her hearing, she will meat-punch me which sounds like more fun than it is and maybe some of your female readers will finally find that out firsthand now that they've grown rudimentary penises, so thanks for that.

By the way, I am Chevy Chase, so you might want to add a footnote to that title noting that it doesn't apply to me. Thanks.

aarontodd said...

Have you considered getting a wizards cap to go with your snuggie? That is what I would do... You just have to decide if you want to go for that "Fantasia" look... or Orko from He-Man

S. McNutbutter said...

I dislike stealing other's ideas, but I'm going to have to add "Rudimentary Penises" to my list of potential band names. Soon as I line up the other band members and acquire some talent, that name is going into serious contention..

LovinSeattle said...

Pop that poop into the trash, if they are that interested in telling you all about their skin conditions, they will follow you. Then you can have your own cult of snuggie wearing...well you get the idea. Love love love your blog.

Crys said...

you rule and frankly, i am intensely into you. all of a sudden. i've only been here twenty minutes. but still. INTENSELY into you.

Kate said...

Have I told you lately that I love you? You have just brightened my day immensely!

Sharon, The Queen Blogger said...

Wow, you're just 18 cats away from completing your entry exam for the senior trailer park.

Sharon, The Queen Blogger said...

... and I mean that in the most loving and accepting way.