Thursday, March 12, 2009

Morrissey in Five

I will no doubt be shoving Morrissey in everyone's face for the next few days but before I brush the Thin Mint chunks out of my molars and tuck myself in, here are a few quick things about tonight's show.

1) I've never been in the front row at any concert, ever, so when my friend and I were ushered to our seats--within one mascara'ed lash of the stage--we were too overwhelmed to respond with anything other than a fist bump. How close were we? Let this grainy iPhone shot show you.

For reals, we could've been killed by a stray button when Morrissey ripped his shirt off. Twice.

2) There were all kinds of crazy superfans beside us, including the obligatory stage crashers who scrambled up to wrap their arms around the Mozzer before security lumbered over to drag them away. One man to my left handed Morrissey a calendar that he'd made featuring monthly pictures of Morrissey's ass. He'd titled it "Your Arse Annual" according to the oversized splash of Comic Sans and obviously I'll be doing something similar next Christmas for my grandmother.
UPDATE 1: The calendar was actually called "Your ARSE-N-ALL" an asstastic play on the title of his Your Arsenal album. Don't ask how many post-show message boards I've sifted through.

3) He dropped two Smiths songs into the first part of the show, prefacing "How Soon is Now?" with an exaggerated sigh, a hand through his hair and a dramatic "Because we must." Oddly enough, half of the Smiths were in North Carolina tonight. While Moz was in Durham launching his laundry into the crowd, ex-guitarist Johnny Marr was 15 minutes away playing with Modest Mouse. This fact is interesting to maybe three other people. UPDATE 2: Thanks to reader StevelKnievel for pointing out that--although he insists he's still part of Modest Mouse--Mister Marr was at home in England, choosing to skip their latest swing through the States. North Carolina was only one quarter Smith'ed, a detail which is still only interesting to three people.

4) At no point did I actually touch him although we made eye contact for a hot second and I swear to you, it felt like riding the Gravitron or the Tornado or some other hastily constructed State Fair attraction that has a minimum height requirement. GUYS, HE LOOKED AT ME in a way that said "I know the hollows of your heart, the echos in your soul, and about the Big League Chew you stole from the gas station that time." Swoon, swoon, swoon.

5) When I got home, obviously the next logical step was to do a dramatic reinactment of his Years of Refusal album cover. Perhaps I'll make a calendar out of it and toss it his way at the next show.

You're welcome. Night night.

24 comments:

Sez said...

"Asleep" is my fav song by The Smiths...

Your dog is such a cutie!!

word verification: "roniza"

GYL said...

LOL- I know little to nothing about Morrissey but what a freaking funny picture. Poor dog - he is all 'This is rather undignified you know!'

Cloven Hoof said...

Oh man. He. Looked. Ill! He really should have called it off and got some rest.

What?

Robbie said...

Your dog looks a little scared in that photo.
Very funny though.

Stevelknievel said...

Johnny Marr was actually in England, not Durham. No longer playing with Modest Mouse (thank goodness) ... just an FYI.

Lainey said...

Holy CRAP! That is the greatest picture ever. EVER. Pigpen's face and dainty paw are priceless.

The Imaginary Reviewer said...

Tee hee, that picture make me chuckle.

And the fact that someone I've never met got to see her favourite singer after a little paranoia about him cancelling has made far more happy than it should. The power of the blog!

Hot Librarian said...

Interest in #3 - count me in.

Poor Pigpen.

Also, I am jealous.

andyhannon said...

I'm so jealous. The one time I was going to get to see Morrissey, he cancelled the show. And I was leaving that town 3 days later.

I still haven't seen him...:(

amindinmotown said...

You should most definitely use that photo as the cover of your first book. It'll sell dozens!

Anonymous said...

I haven't a clue who Morrissey is, or what he does, but you sound so delighted to have been there --me? It was Dawn Upshw shouting me out at a concert, and yes, the Rolling Stones way back in the dark ages. Your comments are always amusing and often fall-down-funny. Keep it up!
Mow to ponder the word verification-anism.

notsojenny said...

how could one not love the man? especially how could one not love the smiths? i think you should shun those people in your posts... or maybe just shame them

*Akilah Sakai* said...

Glad you had a good time.

Big League Chew!! Ah, memories...

You should autograph and sell copies of that pic. The cash flow would make everything alright with your pooch again.

christina said...

i'm one of the three people who first cared that johnny marr was playing two double decker bus crashes away, and then that he wasn't.

god. i'm blaming you if i get electrocuted licking my computer screen. i love moz.

i'm going to wear my queen is dead shirt today.

Bethie said...

Pigpen is much cuter than the baby. Hi, I'm Captain Obvious, have we met?

Mike said...

What's really great about being in the front row is you don't have all those crazy people in front of you.

Wv - cochner - An ear implant made out of .... nevermind.

KatieSaysSo said...

That is the best photo ever!

even though I have no clue who Morriseey is.

emmysuh said...

You level of dedication is heart-warming -- the album cover made my day. The expressions are spot on. Even the Boxer Beast's.

Dan said...

That picture is genius.

Cloven Hoof said...

Anonymous:
> I haven't a clue who Morrissey
> is, or what he does

He's a ventriloquist. You can tell that from the bottom picture.

He was a hit in t'pubs 'n clubs of Manchester, back in t'day.

Print Wall Stickers said...

I had fun reading your post. Nice blog!

J-Money said...

Sez: Trying to pick my favorite Smiths song would be like trying to decide which is my #1 internal organ. Although I’m partial to “Heaven Knows I’m Miserable Now”, “Work is a Four Letter Word”, and my spleen.

GYL: I’m still trying to decide whether he would’ve looked more dignified if I’d put him in a diaper.

Cloven Hoof: Actually, he sounded fantastic and danced and pranced all over the stage for 21 songs. Rumors of his death were greatly exaggerated.

Robbie: He was terrified, actually, if only because he weighs 50 pounds and I was trying to carry him like he was the most recent issue of Sports Illustrated.

Stevelknievel: Thanks for the update… I think he’s still with the Double M, just not touring with them in the US this time. Google is our friend.

Lainey: I love that you recognize his dainty paws…despite staring at it in Photoshop for half an hour, I didn’t even notice. Well played!

The Imaginary Reviewer: You, sir, are a sweetheart. Although to be fair, Robyn Hitchcock still edges Moz for the title of My Favorite Singer, but he’s a close second. Very close. Close enough to climb on Robyn’s back.

Hot Librarian: If you still lived in that part of the state, WE COULD HAVE GONE TOGETHER, standing open mouthed for two hours until everyone onstage and around us started to wonder if we had a chromosomal abnormality.

andyhannon: I’m not sure where you live but he’s cruising the US for another month, then doing a big chunk of the UK & Europe after that. I’m so insanely relieved he didn’t cancel…and obviously can’t wait to see him again.

amindinmotown: You’re too kind. I’ll be lucky to sell A dozen, let alone many dozens.

Anonymous: Get thee to a Wikipedia to search for Morrissey. His life story is basically: Born > Found The Smiths, sing, and write brilliant songs > The Smiths break up > Continue singing & writing brilliant songs except for Malajusted which kind of sucked > Come to Durham and let me fawn over him, all while watching helplessly as he rips off two of his shirts and also smells delightful.

notsojenny: Rather than shun them, I’ll just educate them (See above).

*Akilah Sakai* I’m thinking of framing it and giving it as a gift to, um, pretty much everyone.

christina: We would so be friends. Assuming that you aren’t the victim of an unfortunate deep frying after tonguing your computer screen.

Bethie: I think so too. Daps.

Mike: No, they were beside me. And sometimes using my left shoulder as a catapult to propel themselves onstage…which I TOTALLY would’ve done if I hadn’t been wearing heels.

KatieSaysSo: Google is your friend, dear Katie. Search him. Download some songs. And let me know if you love ‘em.

emmysuh: I’m so glad you consider it “dedication” and not “batshit insanity”. Thank you.

Dan: Muchas gracias. I tip my Diet Coke to you.

Cloven Hoof: I like you more with every comment you leave.

Print Wall Stickers: Um. Thanks. Bummer of a name though, bud.

Scott said...

That's a great picture. Your boobs look GOOD!

ms. pixie riot said...

I just found your blog through a random link, and hello! You're hilariously funny and talk about things that I like, like Morrissey ripping his shirt off. Anyhow, I think I'll stay a while!