Thursday, April 09, 2009

Maybe She's Born With It

I made the mistake of walking into Sephora1 today which meant I spent ten minutes staring helplessly at my oversized pores in a hand mirror, half expecting to see Buzz Aldrin bounding between the craters on my face before planting a flag in the middle of my forehead.

Meanwhile, a flawless store associate named Sofie played matchmaker, trying to pair each of my facial imperfections with a neatly packaged product designed to cover them up. She was--of course--perfect. Her cheekbones jutted through her skin like the ribs on a greyhound and she spoke in a soft voice garnished with the slightest hint of an accent, reflecting either a rich European heritage or a summer as a hostess at Olive Garden. "You could benefit from what we call an eye brightener," she said, pulling an $18 colored pencil out of her pocket. "Because you look like a dead orbed goblin".

OK, that last part was implied. BUT I HEARD HER THINK IT.

I managed to stand still long enough for her to brighten one eye, sweep a bronzing powder across my cheeks and colorize both eyelids with an unfortunate amount of glitter, ensuring that I'd spend the rest of the afternoon looking like Ziggy Stardust's unemployed half sister.

When Sofie turned to greet another customer, I bolted for the back corner of the store to undo her handiwork, quickly smearing all eighteen shades of green into my eyebrows. After scraping my cornea with a rogue shard of glitter, I saw her picture--the star of my favorite poorly written police drama!--advertising the only product in the store that I desperately needed. I immediately snatched the last tiny box out of the bin, not because the organic ingredients will make me look any less terrifying but because it will bring my Law & Order: SVU obsession to its logical conclusion.

Oh yes, I'm now proudly wearing a long-lasting shade of lipstick named for Mariska Hargitay, giving me the power to stay smudge free through even the greasiest of microwaveable pastries. I also think I'm allowed to carry a concealed weapon and arrest anyone who looks rapey.

I SWEAR my bizarre attraction to SVU stops here--now--with this purchase. Between the twelve episode Saturday I spent building a bedsore and my now Hargitay-hued lips, I'm one stop on the Creepy Train away from writing Christopher Meloni a letter to ask if I could have a small piece of his skin.

Until then, I'll be out arresting my neighbors. Hope you like the leg shackles, 102-A.

UPDATE: Because you asked for it... "Mariska" can be purchased here.

1 I'm pretty sure the store motto is "Let us help you feel ugly today!"


emmysuh said...

UM CAN YOU PLEASE LINK ME to where I might buy that lipstick or whatever? Because my odd obsession with SVU is at four years and still going strong.

I had a dream I was dating Elliot Stabler last night.

I'm not lying.

wolf biter said...

Sephora is where checking accounts and self esteem go to die.

Michael said...

I had a funny encounter there once.

It was a couple of weeks before Christmas, and, after helping a series of women, the salesgirl looks me over-heavy set guy, bags under eyes, black wool coat, hangdog expression.

Without batting a long, luscious eyelash, she says:

"You want a gift card?"

ME: "How did you know?"

JerseySjov said...

last time i was in a sephora my friend and i sampled all of the lip plumpers then fought over what soap smelled the best. as a matter of fact i think that's the only thing i ever do in sephoras.

drugstore makeup all the way.

Lisa said...

I just found your blog through 20sb..I love it so far!

I've had many interesting encounters at Sephora...but I still find myself addicted to the place!

Look forward to reading more of your posts.

alexis said...

Looks rapey!! Hilarious!

punchlinewalking said...

I have a unused gift certificate to Sephora because every time I tried to go in and spend it I just got overwhelmed by all the products I didn't understand.

J-Money said...

emmysuh: Fixed. A link to has been added. Also, why aren't we roommates?

wolf biter: Well said. I'm pretty sure that's written in their annual report.

michael: Ha! At least you walked out before someone could "brighten" your eyes.

jerseysjov: Right on. With the exception of "Mariska", everything I put on my face has been purchased at the grocery store. That probably explains a lot.

lisa: Welcome! Thanks for the note... please come back, especially if you can explain how I can apply makeup without looking like I'm into kabuki theatre.

alexis: I didn't know how else to describe it. And by "it", I mean the guy down the hall.

punchlinewalking: EXACTLY. That's pretty much why I ignored everything but the lipstick associated with my favorite syndicated drama.

lacochran said...

At least you didn't get the old bat saying to you "At our age, Honey, we need all the help we can get." This is usually my cosmetics counter experience.

emmysuh said...

We can definitely be roommates, although I feel, to be fair, I should give you a little preview of what my current roommate is dealing with right now, namely:

-a high school musical pinata full of Easter candy has taking up residence in my dresser. We eat fun-sized bags of skittles and mini-kitkats for breakfast, lunch, dinner and midnight snack.

-I'm currently drying 96% of my wardrobe by drapping it over desks, chairs, and carpeting the floor with panties

-I spilled soy sauce on my sheets when I was eating sushi in bed the other day.

If this sounds like the lifestyle you've always envisioned, please let me know and I'll move in immediately.

Wordnerd said...

If it makes you feel any better, you're gonna love the MH Cargo lipstick. F'real.

Scottsdale Girl said...



Mike said...

You know I'm not in 102A.

just me said...

I love watching SVU.

I espescially loved watching SVU when I lived alone in New York City. Because nothing says "fun!" like a Friday night alone watching episodes about rape and murder that take place just down the block.

Cassiopeia said...

ooooh! i love SVU - it's my guilty pleasure, especially since criminal intent got a bit crap...

xxxc said...

"anyone who looks rapey." I have a list for you. (I intend to use the word "rapey" quite a bit. I love that word.

Christy said... as a closet Sephora junkie, let me share my tip: Do all, & I do mean ALL, window shopping online. These people on staff are incredibly helpful, but too anxious for the sale. When you go in, if you don't spot what you're looking for right away, ask someone where it is & then walk with a purpose to that item, pick it up quickly (as if you're about to pocket it) & make a mad dash for the checkout counter. Don't look around, they'll think you need extra stuff & try to pawn it all off on you. HOWEVER: Becoming a "member" or whatever will get you bookoos of free stuff when you go to the store & a special surprise on your birthday (I think only if you go to the store, though, on that special day) & then a few free options for anything you actually order online...& I'm not talking shipping here...FREE STUFF!!! Once you've paid, promptly leave. Don't stop to talk to anyone or look at anything, otherwise you risk another encounter with another associate who only wants to plaster your face in whatever the pick-of-the-day is!

That being said, I have a $50GC for Sephora that I could desperately use at another store...anyone want to buy it from me?!?!?! PLEASE!?!?!?!

Glaven Q. Heisenberg said...

$18 colored pencil

Um ... I believe the politically correct term is "$18 African-American pencil".

NB: The pencils can call each other "colored". But you can't.

Underfunded Heiress said...

Your such a great writer!!!

Don't you hate getting rushed by the sales associates there.

theloosemoose said...

Sephora scares me. My daughter dragged me in there once when we were in NYC. Never have I felt so homely.

My typical makeup routine = ChapStick and foundation from the nearest dollar store...Okay, I'm clearly lying about it being actual "Chap Stick". That shit is pricey. I usually settle for a classy off brand like "Slick Stick".

Your Girlfriend is Ugly said...

Christopher Meloni could endorse flea powder and I'd buy it. And I don't have a dog.

LiLu said...

I'm not allowed in Sephora. It's like Target... you can't get out of there without spending a hundred bucks. Only at Target, you get 15 things instead of 3.

The Imaginary Reviewer said...

I love Sephora, because I can go in there for Future Mrs Imaginary Reviewer's birthday or Christmas presents and be guaranteed to earn approval and/or gold stars.

Oh, and the male sales assistants make me feel the same way. Damned robots...

Gin said...

I too love SVU, how can you not? So I thought I would let you know that Mariska also has a foundation, the joyful heart foundation, and the philosophy brand of body wash made a "joyful heart" bodywash that all the proceeds go to Mariska's foundation. I, of course, had to buy some because I too am obsessed:)

I love your blog!