Sunday, May 31, 2009

So That Just Happened

Author's Note: This was originally posted Friday on Tumblr but, really, I feel like I need to share my awkwardness with the widest possible audience, in the hopes that eventually I'll be shamed into acting like a Real Human.

Gentlemen, start your cringe-ines.

The coffee shop downstairs has inexplicably started opening at noon and as soon as I saw the owners putting their umbrellas out on the patio, I nipped down to liberate a pair of Diet Cokes from the fridge, like I was gonna build an ark for phenalalanines.

Anyway, I’m in full-on deadline mode today, which means my ratty Sox hat, a wrinkled Nick Lowe Jesus of Cool tee, and a deep-set scowl. I had just dropped a can directly on the top of my foot and was giving The Real Jesus an interesting set of surnames when I turned and smacked into the sternum of a fortysomething Peter Gallagher lookalike, assuming Mr. Gallagher ever weed-whacked his eyebrows.

“Shit, I’m so sorry,” I said, because I’m smooth like that.

He smiled.

“No problem. I love the sound of breaking glass.”

I almost turned to see if I’d actually shattered the refrigerator door when I slammed it but then realized that HE WAS QUOTING A NICK LOWE SONG FROM THE VERY ALBUM SCREENPRINTED ON MY CHEST.

“Wow, you’re a Nick Lowe fan?”

He smiled again, reaching over my shoulder to grab a soda.

“Been a Basher fan for years. I had that album when it came out.”

I didn’t know what to say. He was obviously waiting for me to do something, staring at me expectantly with a pair of blue eyes the color of holy shit I want to make out with him. I fumbled. “Yeah, it’s stellar, start to finish.” I backed away, dropping a stack of quarters on the counter. AND THEN I PANICKED.

“Well, cool, excellent. See you, then.” I hurried out the door, pausing only when I dropped the other can and Pele’d it across the patio until it exploded against the side of the building.

And so it goes and so it goes
But where it’s goin’, no one knows



MonsteRawr said...

Holy ass crackers, you can't make this shit up! I like the smoothness of "see you then" when there was nothing set up. Freudian slip?

J-Money said...

Oh, the power of a missing comma. It was more like "See you, then".

Fixing it now...but no, sadly, I can't make this up.


Carebear said...

Nooooooooo! He sounds perfectly lovely. Maybe, just maybe, he found your clumsy awkwardness cute and will come looking for you again? It might be like that movie Serendipity, or Meet Joe Black without the Grim Reaper, where you two find each other again and live happily ever after. I just love a happy ending...

WV: trypt. As in, it could have been worse - you could have trypt and spilled your coke all over him.

Scribe said...

I recall something similar where I crossed paths with a very attractive guy at my gym. Searching for a topic to approach him with, I decided my opening line would be to ask him if he had the time. So, I went with it. He looked at my and pointed to the clock right above us. I said thanks, turned five shades of red and walked away. J-Money, I feel your pain.

Anonymous said...

Any update on the injury? Any advice on keeping sane/fit while bodies heal? I'm having a hard time. On both fronts. If you could write more, that might help!

Sidenote: So happy to see that you've changed your "About Me." Full time free lance? It's about time a good writer got the credit!

*Akilah Sakai* said...

Your uneasiness is kinda cute. Maybe you should've headbutted him as well.

Your Ill-fitting Overcoat said...

Ummm yeah. Been there, dude.

And "start your cringe-ines" is in the running for 'greatest thing I've ever heard'.

Mike said...

Perfect chance to have locked yourself out again and gone back for help.

The Imaginary Reviewer said...

This is an awesome story, and I feel your pain. But I have one question:

Do you offer discounts for those of us who subscribe to both your blogs?

(I kid! I kid!)

rockabilleigh said...

Isn't this exactly what Craig's List's "missed connections" are for?!?!

Misplaced Country Girl said...

Oh please put this on Craig's List Missed Encounters! If for no other reason than the pure entertainment value. I'm so glad to know I'm not the only person fumbling around on this planet. I so feel your pain!

Some Kind of Wonderful said...

girl, i love ya (in a non-sexual, motherly kind of way, as my Latin teacher used to say), but seriously, you need to go find this guy. SERIOUSLY. for the love of your readers, please!

Christy said...

Oh my wow. I realize you have a life beyond keeping us updated on your awesomeness, but it kills me to wait between postings more than a day! You're literally the ONLY blog (okay the only anything) on my RSS Feed for my computer's desktop. That's how frequently I hope you'll write.

In regard to, at least he made the effort to bump into you...I can't even get anyone to do that to me half-purposefully anymore! Keep writing, we're all looking forward to your posts!!!

Teresa said...

Nothin' like an awkward moment to start off your day... haha. I tell myself guys find it endearing.

mehorsecrazy123 said...

If you see him again I bet you can fix it!! :) Can you tell I'm an optimist?

Glaven Q. Heisenberg said...

Geez, Switchboard J-Money, you didn't even stick around long enough to give him an extension?

And I'm not talking Alexander Graham Bell's invention.

No, wait. I am. I mean your phone number.

Jess said...

That is SO my favorite eye color.

Sigh is right.

Mary@Holy Mackerel said...

You're smoooooth, verrrry smooth. I bet you he'll be calling you up for a date real soon, baby.