Wednesday, June 03, 2009

Nuggets

1) On Saturday night, I went with some friends to see Sam Raimi's latest creepfest Drag Me To Hell. It's the story of a Pam Beesly-ish bank drone who pisses off an elderly gypsy, which is a bigger no-no than taking a handful of Starlite mints from the teller window. The flick was much better than I expected with some genuine scares and the potential to reach cult-classic status if only because several scenes involved a talking goat.

It also ensured that I'm never speaking to any women over the age of 50 since I'm now convinced they have the potential to summon the kind of demons that don't drop by to trade Crockpot recipes. Also, let's just say I won't be swiping my old 'n' hateful neighbor's Sunday paper anymore 'cause if she opened a portal to hell in my living room, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't get my security deposit back.

2) Speaking of my building, there's a new dude on my floor who has been non-stop listening to a song with Shakespearian couplets like "If you want it/Get up on it". After three days of bone-rattling bass, the only thing I want to get up on is a sign for Prudential Realtors.

3) Yesterday was my long-dreaded birthday, which was commemorated with cards from both Banana Republic and Sunglass Hut, leaving me unnerved that all thirty trips around the sun gets you is a discount on cropped pants and oversized plastic eyewear.

Actually, it was a great day, start-to-finish. I rolled out of bed before 5 and immediately cleaned the kitchen and squeezed some scrubbing bubbles into the toilets because, at the very least, I wanted to start my new decade with gleaming bathrooms and empty trashbins. AND THAT WAS JUST THE BEGINNING. I think I heard from half the internet, got a thirty-candled cupcake from my non-douchenozzle neighbor, some friends took me out for mini-corn dogs and chocolate cake, and I came home to find FOUR BOXES of Oreo Cakesters on my doorstep. If it were possible to overdose on happiness, yesterday I was Jimi Hendrix on Jim Morrison's back.

I also heard from two of my three most recent exes, which was nice. The one no-show was--ironically--the dude who put the least amount of effort into our relationship but came out of it with Costco-sized boxes of bitterness. It's like if you ignored your houseplants for several months then acted surprised when the geraniums died. And then you called the geraniums a bitch, told the geraniums never to contact you again, and un-friended the geraniums on Facebook.

Anyway, my longest-tenured former boyfriend made an excellent point about my birthday-related discomfort. He hit the half-century mark last year and--because of our double-decade age difference--we'd been longtime subscribers to Age Is Just a Number Illustrated. He essentially said that it didn't make any sense to ignore my birthdate in one aspect of my life but to let it overshadow the other parts and--as much as I hate to admit it--he's onto something.

So that's one day down, 3,650 to go until life's odometer causes me to freak out again. Until then, I'll just worry about sensible things like gypsy curses and why I ever gave Sunglass Hut my mailing address.

29 comments:

Stinkfingers McNutbutter said...

It just seems shitty to have your page read "O People Love Me." So, here's a comment to throw you into the plus category.

Grace said...

Happy belated birthday! I'd like to pretend that, had you not reminded us that yesterday was your birthday, I would have remembered, but that would be a lie. At least I'm honest in my birthday wishes!

*Akilah Sakai* said...

Glad the day was pretty damn nice.

Sometimes it's the little things! Like the Cakesters (which I'd make sweet love to 'cos they taste so good). People know I *heart* Cinnamon Mentos but no one slipped a few into my purse! Or my X-mas stocking! The hell? I have evil friends.

Scribe said...

Happy Birthday, J-Money! From someone who is on the later side of 30 - it only gets better from here! Now go make love to some Cakesters. We'll live vicariously through you.

Scribe

NY Wolve said...

Hmmm. 30 isn't so bad when you are looking back at it...

Kristina said...

Geranium analogy=sheer brilliance, and a stellar observation of most of the human race sporting Y chromosomes.
Oh, and happy birthday. 30 was the best year (,said the 31 yr old).

Mike said...

"3,650 to go"

You forgot 2 leap years in there. You get two free days.

Michael said...

"Yesterday it was (your) birthday-
(You) hung one more year on the line-
(You) should be depressed, (your) life's a mess,
But (you're) having a good time-"

Paul Simon, "Have A Good Time".

It was my younger brother's birthday, too, now ensuring that I will never forget yours again.

Best wishes on the turning of life's odometer.

edder said...

"douchenozzle"....heh.

Who invented gift cards anyway? A pox on the man who gave me a $50 gift card to Best Buy last Christmas.

Happy Belated!

Sharon, The Queen Blogger said...

When I was 29 I dated a 50-year old guy. Reminded me of JFK, plus he had money and brains.

My bestfriend sent me his most recent picture from the internet. We are both 15 years older but I still look great and he ... well he's so old that his eyebrows fell off. You'd think with all that money he could afford fake eyebrows?

Age matters - its not just a number.

Deidre said...

Well, Happy belated birthday!

Gilahi said...

You should relax. If you just turned 30, you don't start a new decade until next year. This year, you're just finishing up your third one.

The Imaginary Reviewer said...

I really want to see Drag me to Hell but Future Mrs Imaginary Reviewer is too scared. I'll have to wait for the DVD and a night alone, methinks.

Lisa Page Rosenberg said...

Snacks are the most important part of any holiday.
Happy Mini-Corndogs to you.
L

Jess said...

Welcome to 30. I personally think it feels better being here. Waiting for it to happen was way worse.

Also, I'm starting to think that the whole "freaking out" thing has less to do with turning an age and more to do with just living.

emmysuh said...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, J-MONEY/Jelisa! Sorry I missed the actual day, I'm kind of a loser like that.

And it's not like a fan of scary movies anyway, but Drag Me to Hell looked worse than usual. Shit, even the preview terrified me.

Bradshaw said...

Just wanted to let you know that my captcha is unpoop. I don't know how one would unpoop. Thoughts?

Oh, and happy belated birthday.

Katie said...

I'm sorry I missed your birthday
I'm oh so sorry, so sorry
Next year I'll get you a gift
Like a hug-o-gram from Barney.

Thank you, Thank you.

lacochran said...

I'm a little late but sincere:

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! I hope it's a spectacularly good year ahead for you!

Thanks for all the laughs you provide.

MonsteRawr said...

Oreo Cakesters?! You lucky, lucky bitch. Christ, who wants in your pants?
Besides me, I mean.

Christy said...

I feel really bad for not even sending you an email on your bday...I'm habitually late to/on EVERYTHING (I mean, it did take over a year to conceive!) so I feel like that kinda preceeds me in warning you that I would have been late anyhow. BUT!!! I did remember & think of you all day & even went grocery shopping & actually STARED at the good ol' cakesters in honor of you. Somehow, I hope that makes up for my slackerness. =/ Hope you have a great year/decade/& all that good mushy stuff!

Alya said...

I'm too scared to watch Drag Me To Hell, but now I'm kind of intrigued..

Happy Birthday!

LiLu said...

Happy belated... and if I wasn't not planning on seeing DMTH already, I am DEFINITELY not planning on seeing it now...

(P.S. Shame on you, Justin Long.)

Mary@Holy Mackerel said...

Oopsies! Happy belated 3-0!! Oh, I remember that day as if it were just yesterday...sort of. Well, I don't remember it really, but I do remember the utter terror and stress of turning 30 and realizing I had not yet done anything at all significant with my life...And now I'm much older, and I still feel that way. Life's funny, eh?

inflammatory writ said...

Happy belated birthday!

And I hear you about bad music...when my husband and I were dating, the guy upstairs from him would blast Matchbox 20 at 7 am. When he bored of the dulcet tones of Rob Thomas, he moved on to post 1985 Tom Petty. The HORROR.

Chattwell said...

I'm clearly running behind on catching up with you, so let me wish you a happy birthday, belatedly, and offer you this photo as a peace offering:

http://tinyurl.com/m778yl

I was just looking through some amazing photos on my friend's Website, and when I saw that one, I thought, "I know who will like this," and then I found out it was your birthday, and well, here it is.

Signed,
Nearly 60

Leigh said...

i'm concerned that you turned 30 and stopped updating... are you in a diabetic coma? fingers crossed that you're alive and kickin.

Jessica said...

Happy birthday Geranium! : )

Shannon said...

Happy Be-lated Birthday!!