Saturday, June 20, 2009

We Have Some Lovely Parting Gifts For You

I have a very elaborate system of doing laundry, with countless exits on the road between Clean and Dirty. Typically whichever band t-shirt I wear as I procrastinate and loiter around my apartment is the shirt I'll sweat through at the gym the next day. That meant that yesterday's dorktastic workout garment was the "It's O.K. To Like Nick Lowe" tee I rocked during Pop Music Trivia Night at a local bar on Thursday.

Anyway, I was stumbling between the Y's two weight rooms when a guy with a chest bigger than mine1 stopped and said "Hey, I love Nick Lowe!" This was something I didn't expect to hear, since most of the dudes who frequent the Y on Friday night are walking staph infections who pause from lifting heavy things just long enough to throw up in the trash can. They're not typically the kind who go for gently aging English pop stars.

His genuine enthusiasm shocked me enough that I stopped in the middle of the hall and cocked my head, Golden Retriever-style. "For reals?"

"Oh yeah," he said, before singing "Take a little walk to the edge of town, go across the tracks..."


"Fuckin' Bad Seeds, man", he said, wiping a stained sleeve across his forehead. "They're awesome."

"Um, no, that's actually Nick Cave."

"Oh. Either way, he's great."

With that, he shuffled toward the water fountain, still singing "Red Right Hand".

Either way? No, brah, eight letter names are the only things that Mr. Lowe and Mr. Cave have in common. I've reached the point where I'm willing to be less-selective when looking for potentially datable dudes2 but that kind of mistake just doesn't get it done.

I'm not sure what it says about me, but I would've overlooked his willingness to, um, reblog his dinner in public if he could've dropped a couple of bars from "Cruel to Be Kind."

Earlier in the day, I was trying to drag Pigpen away from a dead squirrel he was desperately trying to make out with when a guy rounded the corner and stopped on the sidewalk about six feet from the Boxerbeast's leash.

"Wow," he said, jamming his hands into his back pockets. "Great legs."

I immediately assumed he meant Pigpen, since I'm built like a lawn flamingo. "Yeah, you should see him in heels."

He laughed and extended his hand. "I'm Eric."

"J-Money," I said, thrilled that I was actually able to respond with something that made sense.

"Look," he said, whipping out a small notebook. "I'm in kind of a hurry, but I really want to give you my number."

I didn't know exactly how to handle this. Yes, I'd gotten a set of digits this quickly before, but it was because that guy had just parked his Hyundai in my back bumper. He tore the page out and handed me a set of neatly ball-pointed block letters. "Give me a call sometime. But you need to do it before the end of the month."

I grinned. Bold. I liked it. "Why's that?"

"Because my soon-to-be ex-wife is going to stop paying for my cell phone. Oh, I should probably mention that I'm going through a divorce."

"Um. OK, sure, that happens."

"And I'm homeless."

And this is the point where my frontal lobe exploded. I was completely unable to comprehend that last sentence, and responded politely with a sound that was somewhere between "AATUUGUUEH" and "EEEIIGAAGHH".

"Well," he said, completely undaunted by the fact that I'd morphed into Nell's less-coherent cousin. "See you around."

And this, ladies and gentlemen, is my life. It's also why I'm starting to consider Binge Drinking as a viable career option.

1 That's not saying much since I'm only slightly more voluptuous than Montgomery Burns.

2 My current criteria: Lactose tolerance, correctly paired chromosomes, ears.


Lisa Page Rosenberg said...

Yeah. Ears are good.

*Akilah Sakai* said...

The hell?!
Tell me that was a joke. Tell me you're just jerking our chains. Tell me!

MonsteRawr said...

1) I love how he said, "I'm homeless" like most people say, "I have a dog." Brilliant.
2) You are fucking hilarious. Seeing a new post from you on my RSS feed is like $5 in my pocket, or that one last Cadbury egg that rolled behind the Pam.

Scribe said...

I look for a good set of teeth. Sadly, even that's a stretch at times. said...

Binge drinking IS a viable career option. I excel at it. it is a seriously under staffed employment avenue.

inflammatory writ said...

Yeah, I think criteria for potential mates need to include "has a place to live". Good call on that one.

tmamone said...

When I was a kind, my mom used to play the Rockpile record Nick did with Dave Edmunds all the time. "When I write the book . . ." Ah, memories!

X-Country2 said...

Have you thought about turning to chicks. I'm just sayin', it can't be much worse.

lacochran said...

Oh, yeah. Second one's a keeper.

B said...

That was awesome. freweakin' awesome. makes my latest pickups look absolutely, positively normal...

SJB said...

What I love most about this blog are the gems, like this one "I'd morphed into Nell's less-coherent cousin" Thank you J-Money and binge drinking is like a sport, you can do it for fun or as a preofession

Mike said...

"And I'm homeless."

Hey, a roommate!

Beth said...


A fleeting thought about chastity belts just evaporated out of my brain as I thought, "Who needs a chastity belt, Beth? No one's trying to gain access."

As for turning to chicks, I have a lesbian pal who set me straight (so to speak) one day, saying, "What you don't realize is that gay women are not like your friends who just happen to sleep with women."

I think the only option is to evolve the ability to reproduce asexually.

iheart-orange said...

Wow the dude didn't even ask for your number. He was so bold as to give you his thinking you would call. And I'm homeless isn't really the best pick up line. Wow. That's hilarious and kind of sad at the same time.

Christy said...

I'm sorry I get so amused by your life-suckiness, but the way you write is just so freakin' fantastic that I can't help but laugh! This stuff never happens to me!!!

Also, it totally makes up for the fact that you haven't written anything on this blog for over a week. =) I soooo look forward to my RSS feed's new titles from you (& only you!) just so I can laugh some more. Thanks hun!

(BTW: It's a boy: Jake, still due in November)

Glaven Q. Heisenberg said...

C. Montgomery Burns.

Because otherwise people will think you mean the other one: Montgomery "Tits" Burns.

Which would kinda kill the joke.

My advice: Keep your amateur drinking status. It all changes when you turn pro. Believe me.