1) Sometimes when I meet people, I’m so insanely nervous that I can’t do anything except a) pant uncontrollably or b) talk incessantly about myself. Unfortunately once it starts—the schmuck-like jabbering— I can’t stop until I'm driving home, wiping an errant smudge of barbeque sauce from my cheek and thinking about all of the questions I wished I’d asked or things I wished we’d covered instead of starting another sentence with “I”. This item is also filed under “Reasons I Rarely Have Second Dates”.
2) Sometimes I’m a chronic over-sharer. This is probably a direct result of spending the past four years putting my entire life on the internet, and while hopefully it’s never as unsettling as being introduced to a friend’s mother just in time for her to fill me in on her uterine fibroids, it’s probably still a bit jarring to the uninitiated (See: Above) who follow normal mores of communication. I have zero secrets, yo.
3) Sometimes when I can’t sleep I catalog my flaws.
4a) There is no four.
4b) Yes there is, and it's a Life Lesson for you. When your neighbor tells you that she and her boyfriend of twenty five years ("TWENTY FIVE YEARS," she repeats for emphasis) have just gotten married, it's not a good idea to respond "Congratulations. Does that void his warranty?"
You also may want to avoid the elevator and the building's common areas for a while.
Jelisa "J-Money" Castrodale is a freelance writer and stand-up comic who is both good at Jeopardy! and annoying to have at parties. She lives in the American South with an enamel-eroding Diet Coke habit and a dog named for a member of the GratefulDead.
Send your love letters and job offers to: thetyping [at] gmail [dot] com
Since You're Already Procrastinating
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