Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Wocka Wocka

So tomorrow night--Thursday night--I'll be telling jokes (pictured, above left) at The Garage in downtown Winston-Salem (kind-of pictured, above right). The show starts at 9:30, which means you should be dangerously close to soiling the upholstery by 9:34. This is the second straight month I've stomped around their stage and I'm coming armed with some new material, some old favorites, and some in-betweens that I've pulled from my various notebooks of Funny Shit.

It's been four weeks since I've been onstage and it was, like, nineteen James Patterson novels before that (which translates to roughly three months) so I've spent this entire calendar page missing it. As much as I dig living in everyone's computer, it's a brazillion times better to get the immediate feedback that comes from a room full of people laughing at you. On purpose, as opposed to from across the aisle at Target when you inadvertently knock over a rack of personal lubricant.

There was a pretty stellar turnout in July, possibly because it's free--did I mention it's free?--and I stuck around after the last comic to suck back a pair of vodka and cranberries. The V & C is my beverage of choice because it's such a little multitasker. While it's corroding your liver, it's simultaneously strengthening the various pieces of your urinary tract so you're totally breaking even on the health front. When it comes to drinkin', though, I'm more than a lightweight, to the point where too much Listerine almost guarantees I'll be dry-humping strangers in the elevator. Or the elevator itself.

That night I consumed eight bucks worth of Aristocrat vodka, which left me stumbling through the club like a recently tranquilized animal. I lurched and pawed my way toward the bathroom, pausing only to make a pass at a dish towel that was crumpled--SEDUCTIVELY CRUMPLED--on the side of the bar.

It was late enough in the evening that the lights had been turned out in the back half of the room--including the bathrooms--a discovery I didn't make until I was standing in the pitch black single seater wondering whether it was appropriate to tongue kiss an ash tray on the first date. My choices were to either to try to Frank Slade my way to the toilet or to step back out and admit that I'd spent five minutes in the dark trying to flip the switch on the August concert calendar.

My brain dredged up some Discovery Channel-ish memory about bats and sonar so I let out several high pitched screeches in the hopes they'd richochet off the porcelain but that just made someone softly knock to ask if I was OK.

A pair of Vampire Weekend songs passed before I felt the smooth surface of the toilet against the back of my bare calves, so I took care of my business and shuffled back into the bar. I politely held the door for the next woman in line, while launching several silent prayers that I hadn't accidentally defiled the sink. "The lights are out," she said to the empty room, before casually flipping a switch on the opposite wall.

"Yeah, I know," I said, fumbling for an explanation. "I just don't like to see myself naked."

"You take your clothes off when you go to the bathroom?", she asked, giving me a confused expression like I'd just told her that I save all my scabs or start small fires or really dig Steely Dan.

"Um. Not all the time, no," I replied. She immediately pulled the door closed behind her, shaking her head and muttering to herself. Then I heard the lock snap into place.

What's the point of this story? I have no idea. But if you come to the gig tomorrow night--and you know you want to--just remember where the light switch is. And if you see a pale pink beverage in my hand, you should probably just clinch your kidneys together until you get home.

25 comments:

Anonymous said...

I wish to see you but it would take 11 hours and 44 minutes of driving including stops in Indianapolis, IN, Dayton, OH AND Charleston, WV...Of which I do not believe I would survive. Does the thought count?

Break yo leg!

Grace said...

The offer to come do comedy in Richmond for a huge amount of Oreo Cakesters and a wildly appreciative audience still stands...

Luck o' the Irish said...

I wish I still lived in NC (the "better" Cackalacky) to come bask in your awesomeness. Rats ass.

Good luck and knock 'em dead. The dish towel will be waiting post-show.

- Mon

Jessica Eiden Smedley said...

Come to Charlotte. Soon.

Non Sequitur Chica said...

Good luck! I don't live anywhere near W-S...but have friends that head down there once in a while.

peggy said...

Found you via Dooce. Small world - I live in W-S. Good luck tomorrow night - I might be there...

Scribe said...

If you're ever in Toronto, I am sooo there! Or I may just have to plan a trip to check out your act. You're one of my favourites, J-Money. You can stay!

Phil said...

$8 worth of drinks? That translates to like 3/4 of a glass in Los Angeles. Which, inexplicably, makes me want to cry.

Kitty said...

Break a leg! (Not literally. You better lay off the V & C at least until after the show.)

-t said...

Hurray! I'm not the only one that uses 'Brazillion' as a number!

Dani said...

Anyone who keeps their sinks low enough that they can be mistaken for the toilet deserves to have their bathroom defiled. That would just be sadistic. Hope the show goes swimmingly.

emmysuh said...

Damn, I wish I could come, even just to join you a few vodka-cranberries (also my fav) and properly escort you to the bathroom. Have a great show, I can't wait to hear details!

*Akilah Sakai* said...

Break a leg!

=D

Monica said...

Have spent the morning developing a crush on you via YouTube and your blog. Would like to put you in my pocket and carry you around and bring you out at red lights and rush hour traffic. You know, so you could entertain me.

Laura said...

Can't come this time, but I WILL come to one of your shows someday. Flights are easy for me.

Not that I'm a stalker or anything...

bess said...

I haven't been to your site in a while. Honestly, I was a little burned out with your writing for a bit there. BUT, I gotta say -- you're hitting your stride. Not sure what happened, but you somehow got funnier. Wish I could see you perform. Come to Seattle some time?

Monica said...

I've been reading your site since this morning and I was SO burned out on you. But then I came back this afternoon and you have totally hit your stride! Funnier, somehow, than this morning.

Greg said...

Careful with the Steely Dan digs...the interweb is a fickle mistress...her love can turn to wrath quicker than Ricky can lose a number. (http://www.fanpop.com/spots/steely-dan)

Now that Dooce loves you...success is sure to follow. (That's how I found you...via the mighty "Dooce vs Maytag Smackdown".
http://dooce.com/2009/08/25/bees-hive

Anyway, you're wittier than a Nixon classmate. Good luck!

Christy said...

Okay, seriously?! Do you know how hard it is to NOT pee when you're pregnant (even when you went to the bathroom knowing fully well you'd come back to your computer to read J-Money & didn't want to make a mess) because you're laughing so freakishly hard & crying at the same time because you want to see J-Money's show sooooo bad?!?!?! Very hard.

Also, trust me, Spring/Houston don't know what they're missing yet...but you make one trip & you'll be a freakin' hit!!! Come visit already!!!!!!!!

On a side note, I wanted to mention that while I was at the Dr. yesterday, the nurse opened the door & called for Jelisa & my heart started beating so fast in hopes that when I looked up it'd be you...but alas, she looked NOTHING like your hottiness & I was sad to have wasted the double-take.

Mike said...

When is the first world tour?

Anonymous said...

haters be hatin

Anonymous said...

Found you via Dooce. You are incredibly funny! Wish you were doing northwest Florida. I'd drag all my friends to see you.

Keep up the funny stuff. It's great!

Jan said...

OK, I laughed out loud once again. Re: "burned out" with your writing- as far as I'm concerned you CANNOT write enough! Come to LA and I will bring a horde of people with me to see you.

down pillow said...

Yeah Dayton Ohio!

Elaine Warner said...

I'm sure you totally rocked. I think you're one of the cleverest writers around. Good luck!