Wednesday, September 09, 2009

By Request

Here's my eagerly anticipated Maid of Honor outfit. No, my actual dress won't be blaze orange, not unless the reception program has been restructured to include deer hunting. I just hope that the other members of the bridal party will be able to find an Elvis Costello tee and brown leather ankle boots because those accessories are obviously what bring this ensemble together.1

I'd been in the store less than two minutes when a nametagged David's Bridal associates--one wearing several pounds of eyeshadow--tapped a logo pen against her clipboard, cocked her head to the right and said "I'm guessin' you ain't the bride."

Wow, what gave it away? The fact that I strolled in still licking bits of my Long John Silvers' combo meal off my forearms? That I have no idea what my dress size is but quickly volunteered that I wore a medium t-shirt? The tumbleweeds rolling out of my vagina?

"Nope. I'm the Maid of Honor."

"Really?" she said. "OK, we can get start--um, you've got something on your face."

I flicked my tongue toward my cheek, ever the lady. "Tartar sauce."

She sighed. "This is just my second weekend here. We may need my manager for this."

1 One of my friends said that I looked like a Hooters waitress from the 1940s.
__________

I'd been dreading the trip to D-Bridal since last fall when my sister used a handful of Anytime Minutes for a shrieking, weeping phone call that sounded a lot like "SQQQUUUUEEEEAAL! I'M ENGAGED! SQUUUUEEEEEEAAL! OK BYE!" Of course I'm delighted for her but I wish her wedding had the same dress code as Burger King. The nicer Burger Kings, obviously, the ones that have playgrounds and dumpsters with lids.

The search for formalwear is a difficult one for me because of my comically oversized back. Yes. My back. My workouts include an abundance of pullups, which means I cast the sexy silhouette of a king cobra. Or Michael Phelps, minus the Marfan syndrome. It's a bit of a problem because shoving myself in a size large for my lats means that I have enough excess room in the bust to successfully shoplift a number of appliances.

It's not a scenario that the staff deals with very often although Eyeshadow did tell me that my actual dress, when it arrives, could be altered to accommodate my cape-like back and Craisin-like boobs. She may have phrased it more politely.

I was given a stack of unfortunately-hued items and quarantined in a dressing room until I emerged wearing something that I could actually zip, like a denim-clad larva that becomes a dry-clean only butterfly who will find a way to stain her dress several months before the actual ceremony. It took several false starts, a lot of creative profanity, and several twirls in front of the most unflattering mirror on earth, but I won. My Maid of Honor Costume is now on order and I have the receipt to prove it JUST IN CASE THE BRIDE OR THE MOTHER OF THE BRIDE (AKA MY OWN MOTHER) REQUIRES DOCUMENTATION.

Now it's just up to the bridesmaids to find matching boots.

29 comments:

missy. said...

haha i love this. your outfit rocks.

Anonymous said...

Thank goodness she's not making you wear orange.

Also, you totally know your way around a sentence, and Eyeshadow got stuck at ain't. So you win again!

*Akilah Sakai* said...

The visual I'm getting of tumbleweeds falling from a vagina is a sight to behold. Just sayin'.

Michael said...

You'll look great, I'm sure.

Maybe it's just because I'm a dude, but I never understood why bridesmaid dresses are always so mocked. They always look ok to me.

Anyway-it's 09/09/09-Beatles Rock Band, baby. Sing with me! "Asked the girl what she wanted to be..."

Patrick said...

You could totally be a department store mannequin with that look. I mean, I would buy that, and I am a dude. Wait, did I just admit to being a crossdresser? Forget I said anything...

Kitty said...

Ah... David's bridal. My old nemesis. I know thee well.

Too funny! Glad you finally got that out of the way!

Anonymous said...

The Cobra is the pinnacle of gym achievement. You should be proud.

Lisa Page Rosenberg said...

I'm thinking match.com profile photo.
Imagine the possibilities.

emmysuh said...

OK, that outfit is hot, seriously, but I confused about what will really be covering your tatas? Is this like a half-nudist wedding or a two piece dress or what? ENLIGHTEN ME, I'm confused.

You can be in my wedding if you promise to wear exactly what you are in that pic.

Belle said...

hahahah I love that you call it a costume. M.O.H. dresses are totally costumes.
Ditto to your friend - you do look like a old timey Hooters waitress.

inflammatory writ said...

I'd rather have the Cobra than the slumpy abundance of back fat I bring to the table!

FunnyGal KAT said...

I love the boots! And you should wear them no matter what your sister says (the maid of honor is always supposed to have something that makes her stand out, which obviously the T-shirt doesn't do on its own because at least one other bridesmaid is likely to show up in the same one and then no one will be able to spot the maid of honor... unless you're wearing the boots)

M. Brooks said...

The dress makes you look more like an orange Minute Maid of Honor.

Anonymous said...

I too am a broad-backed runner so I love you a lot for talking about it because it makes me feel less alone in the world!!! :)

Mike said...

How tall are you? We want that finger tip to finger tip measurement checked.

WendyB said...

Finally! Someone else who has noticed the Phelps Marfan's thing.

x said...

Why do I hear cow bell when I look at this outfit?

Bridal salon people speak the same language as those pageant moms. No comprendo.

x said...

P.S. The flab under my biceps are flipping off your pull ups.

los_tartist said...

You'll be showing us a picture of you wearing this dress, correct?

*closes eyes and crosses fingers and hopes against hope*

MonsteRawr said...

At least she let you pick yours out; I just told my bridesmaids to give me their measurements and I'd send them a dress. Bridesmaids are meant to be seen in the background of pictures, and then at the bar, and then on the bar...there was an end to that...

SSP said...

not sure how i found you...following from one to another blog, but I am very glad :-) your ordeal sounds much like the one I had for MY sister....(the dresses eventually came from Lord and Taylor, off the rack cocktail dresses 70% off and three in the EXACT sizes we needed). We hear about bride-zillas...but it us maid of honors they ought to do a show about....I look forward to reading more of your funny stuff!!

Dan said...

Just wear this over it.

Phil said...

If you replace your name with mine, and David's Bridal with Babies 'R Us, that's pretty much exactly the same experience I had the first time (and, currently, the only time) I went shopping for baby clothes for a baby shower.

Zombiemommy said...

You're funny...Most people try to write their inner dialogue and just comes out fake or too something..

Whatever that may be..

Jen said...

I was recently a MOH and I stumbled in hungover to DB (don't recommend) and had to try on dresses that were highlighter hues because that's what was available in my size while the clipboard lady told me how much better the dress would look if I had larger breasts (!) while holding down the IHOP I just inhaled..DB is a portal to hell.

I love your writing! Keep on keepin' on! And I pray your dress fits perfectly so you don't have to step foot back in there.

Calamity Jill said...

mmhmm, definitely a Hooter-esque feel to it.

Anonymous said...

Ditto on DB being a portal to hell.

PS. I'll post this as anonymous since the word verification is "nonemer".

Eric (Extra P.) said...

You would not have looked out of place at the Tennessee football game I attended last weekend. Though you'd probably have to replace Elvis Costello with Tammy Wynette.

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