Friday, September 04, 2009


I'm just about ready to take it to the streets, Pointer Sisters-style, and head home for the weekend.1 As soon as I lug my suitcase to my car and drop Pigpen off at his luxury accommodations2 it'll be time to weave in and out of traffic as I try to reach the neon orange peanut butter cracker I just fumbled onto the floorboard.

Obviously, I'm taking the essentials with me. From left to right, we've got:

--The latest issue of Mojo magazine, a British import I dig enough to justify the $9 cover price, even though I didn't pay nine bones for the last pair of pants I bought. Read that sentence again.

--Some Vonnegut, even though Kurt will immediately be swapped for whatever Britney-infested tabloid I can impulse-buy at the grocery store, along with a bag of teriyaki-flavored beef jerky and a package of tiny razors so I can carve my bikini area into elaborate topiary.

--DVDs of The Prisoner and Black Books. I will watch neither of these because my sister and I will spend all of our time watching endless episodes of Law & Order: SVU. She's recovering from shoulder surgery and just yesterday spent a pharmaceutically-enhanced afternoon watching NINE HOURS of SVU, which means she's officially an NYPD officer. And also terrified to leave the house.

--McDonalds' coupons. FREE McGRIDDLES, GUYS! I've never been more excited to get a piece of mail lovingly addressed to "Resident".

-- A pair of Robyn Hitchcock box sets. This needs no explanation, not even to help you understand why I need damn near a day's worth of music for a two hour drive.

--Two screenprinted garments that put Peter Buck's face dangerously close to my boob. JUST LIKE THAT DREAM I HAD.

1 I have been instructed to stop at David's Bridal to order a Maid of Honor dress for my sister's wedding to Dr. Fiance. Apparently this garment is going to be painstakingly woven from unicorn pelts or decorated with the eyelids of endangered species because that's the only reason it needs to be purchased seven months before the wedding.

2 Pig doesn't get to make the trip across state lines because my parents' Nasty Little Dog doesn't take kindly to strangers. If she did, perhaps she would have a more charming nickname.


The Imaginary Reviewer said...

Mojo is a great magazine, though when I read it I always feel guilty because I don't own any Pink Floyd or Led Zeppellin. Also: You have great taste in UK television. I've been eyeing the Prisoner DVDs for some time now.

Incidentally: I mentioned in a comment a while ago that I was going to rewrite the lyrics to "If I Had a Million Dollars" and sing it as a thankyou speech at my wedding while playing the ukulele. This proved to be too hard and I did Green Day's "Good Riddance (Time of Your Life)" instead. I hope your not mad.

Christy said...

No snackage? Just McDonald's coupons? I'm disappointed. Even a 2-hr trip requires food...what if you ended up like Gilligan & gang, you'd be happy you listened to me!

Ilana said...

I have been celebrating my last week of unemployment by watching as many episodes of Law and Order: SVU as is humanly possible (answer: 4 seasons).

Now I am 3 things:

1) a person who says things like, "They dumped his phones so he had to plead out for Man 2" in conversation.

2) a person who cannot have a conversation that is not about SVU.

3) a person who cannot leave the house without imagining all of the terrible crimes that are about to be perpetrated on me. And I live in New York City. Yeah, this was a bad idea.

QoB said...

WATCH BLACK BOOKS. I have a feeling you and Bernard will get on very well.

That is all.

freckletree. said...

Why aren't we friends? I mean real friends, not Facebook friends. We like all of the same things . . . except for McGriddles. Okay, I like those too. Have fun with the fam (and Olivia, John, Elliot and Fin.) Now that I think about, SVU would've been a great reason not to have kids.

kristin said...

7 Months until the wedding? Forget it, you're already too late!

Kitty said...

Note: Too much beef jerky = not fitting into the dress you had to buy 7 MONTHS EARLY!!!!

emmysuh said...

If watching 9 hours of SVU makes you a NYPD officer, pretty sure I AM Olivia Benson at this point. Can I make out with Elliot already?

Have a great trip, I can't wait to hear about it. Please take pictures of you trying on the maid of honor gown? Nothing is more humiliating. Not that I wish humiliation on you -- I just have had to go through that 834927 times already and I would like someone to commiserate.

Michael said...

If I weren't already married....sigh.

Obviously you are the perfect woman.

Mike said...

From wkipedia about Robyn - "but he has a loyal cult following". So your in a cult and don't know it. Unless you do.....

And maybe we can all get CEU for SVU.

theloosemoose said...

I KNOW I'm not the only one here who's just giddy with excitement over the thought of you in a maid of honor dress. Oh, please, please, PLEASE tell me it has a ginormous ass bow...and sparkly bodice shit.