Wednesday, December 16, 2009

First Class Mail

So I posted my Christmas card here the other day and rarely has anything I've done generated the amount of emails that this unsettling Photoshop sent into my inbox. Half of you were curious if it was my real card and I assure you that it is, that my cousins--who I haven't seen since my days of spiral perms and Hammer pants --will be slipping that very picture out of an oversized green envelope. They'll either think that I'm delightful and that we should probably add each other to our respective Friends & Family Plans or it will just ensure that I'm never invited to their weddings. Or into their homes.

The other half of the emails were concerned that--since he didn't make the card--I was over my longstanding Hugh Laurie obsession, having discarded him like a decomposing carton of Thai takeout. I assure you that I'm still just as unhinged when it comes to Mr. Laurie but I wanted to slap a celebrity on my card that everyone would recognize, so they understood that it was obviously a joke and that they wouldn't mistakenly assume I'd developed a relationship with anyone other than the late Colonel Sanders and his new line of low-calorie, even lower taste chicken-and-potato plates.

Speaking of things that leave me doubled over with abdominal pain, this is the first year I've managed to address a card to my longest-tenured former boyfriend without smearing the ink with tears of bitterness or mouth froth of anger. Someone much smarter than me--which means anyone from Oprah to Uncle Jesse Katsopolis--said that as a general rule, it would take half the length of your relationship to fully recover from the end of said relationship. That means after three years of removing his name from the Emergency Contact form at my various doctors' offices, I should be totally over him. And I am, I finally, finally, FINALLY am. I didn't feel any pain or longing or...anything as I wrote his name on the envelope. This is also the first holiday season that I haven't asked Santa to bring his new girlfriend an anal fissure.

Look at me, growing up.

7 comments:

Stephen K said...

Your actions give the sign of maturing that your card does not! ;)

Did I tell you how much I love your writing? If so, it still bears repeating.

Anonymous said...

Just wanted to say that I've been reading your blog/twitter/tumbler for a while now and love your writing. Congratulations on the NBC Sports gig!

Also, speaking of your longstanding Hugh Laurie obsession, I was just wondering if you've ever heard of/seen his work in "Jeeves and Wooster"? If not, I HIGHLY recommend it!!!

BugginWord said...

Sweet liberation! You should celebrate by collecting a lock of Hugh's hair!

Cagey said...

I don't know about that RelationshipLength/2 = RecoveryTime formula. When I divorced my first wife, it took me all of about 15 minutes to get over that one. When I got the final papers in the mail from my lawyer, I almost went dancing in the streets. I was a free, white single male with a great high-paying job and future so bright I had to wear shades. What could possibly be better than that?

Of course, I had to get married again. That one lasted a lot longer, but it's long past now, too. Every once in a while I'll think of her and end up missing her, but I have it on good authority that Santa's gonna bring me a laser sight for my .45 this year, so I doubt I'll miss again.

Now I spend my days busier than a dog scratchin', trying to line up all the hairs on my arms in the same direction...

Dan said...

Ah, the holidays: such a great season of goodwill, anal fissures notwithstanding.

By the by, there's an excellent Thai joint in Belltown.

Anonymous said...
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J-Money said...

That's it, you sad, sorry little hack. Keep pecking out your pathetic little comments on your pathetic little Mac and--by all means--keep coming back to see if I've responded. Glad you found the time in your busy social schedule to check out all of my sites and scroll through my twitter feed. Yeah, I'm really that talented.

Anyway, you're welcome to dredge up some other personal attack. I'll collect all of them and post them over the weekend, along with your IP address and contact information.

Happy Holidays.