Friday, December 04, 2009

I'm Still Standing

Let's just ignore that I dug into Elton John's back catalog [not a euphemism] for a post title and instead talk about how November sped by and all I have to show for it are a pair of cranberry seeds permanently wedged between my molars and a Visa bill that made an audible thud when I dropped it on the counter.1

Last week--Thanksgiving week--was another blur of Mapquest-ed directions and Exxon midgrade. On Wednesday, after baptizing myself with a steaming cup of Dunkin Donuts coffee, I made the 150 mile drive to my parents' house in West "Don't Make Us Conjure the Mothman" Virginia. After pausing to examine the mocha-scented stain on my shirt that gave Elvis Costello an unfortunate-looking birthmark, I quickly swapped my luggage out of my car and into my dad's truck so we could head toward my sister's brand new place on the outskirts of Cleveland.

The four of us--me, my adorable parents and their hateful little terrier--spent the next seven hours idling in traffic and offering a one-feathered hand turkey out the window to other drivers. Whoever said that getting there was half the fun obviously hasn't crept through countless two-buck toll booths on I-77 while holding an unpleasant animal who delighted in placing its terrible corpse-scented mouth as close to your own mouth as possible.

Confidential to My Parents: I know you adore that creature but for real, could you please pressure-wash its face before Christmas?

After we stumbled out onto my sister's driveway, leaving a trail of bottled spices and mismatched socks, everything improved by a brazillion percent. The rest of the holiday couldn't have been better and we all agreed that it may have been the best one on record, save for that time my grandmother sat on my cell phone and we spent the afternoon snickering at the muffled sounds of "Jack and Diane" leaking out of her nether-regions.

Anyway, between driving to Ohio and Delta-ing to Seattle, it seems like I spent the past thirty days unpacking and re-packing and wondering if I ever wear anything that isn't one hundred percent cotton. That's my way of saying that although it was double-stuffed with plans for my future and the kinds of memories that linger long after the turkey has been digested, it wasn't the most bloggable, possibly because I managed to get through an entire page of my Jonas Brothers calendar without fucking something up.

I'm not sure how I feel about this. Obviously, I'll do my best to stumble through December, leaving a trail of disaster and chaos and broken serving dishes. After all, it's good for this website.

Speaking of which, since I missed NaBloPoMo2 because I was busily doing NegYoBloBecYoBusWatFliReAnEatAniCraMo3 instead, I'm committed to stapling something to the internet for the majority of December; from now through Christmas, I'll be writing a post per day. Also, on my Tumblr, I'm sharing one non-shitty holiday song every afternoon, a project that began with R.E.M.'s cover of Slade's "Merry Xmas Everybody". You're so very welcome.

Finally, I've had the privilege of contributing to Out of Bounds, a recently-launched NBC Sports blog. My latest piece is about Tiger Woods and his "transgressions", which I can only assume is a euphemism for "banging random chicks."

OK, see you guys again tomorrow. I'll be the one who smells like decaf coffee and regular strength calamity.

1 Oddly enough, this is how pretty much every month ends.

2 National Blog Post Month, an annual occurrence where people who suffer from chronic motivation write a blog post every day for an entire month. So yeah, it's not just a clever name.

3 Neglect Your Blog Because You're Busy Watching Flipper Reruns and Eating Animal Crackers Month. That's trademarked, of course.


zlionsfan said...

I thought you had a perfectly reasonably take on the Tiger thing. That's too bad ... the mainstream sports world tends to prefer hysteria like you'd get on talk radio.

Then again, maybe it's not too bad. Once the Comcast takeover is complete, writing for NBC Sports may become less attractive ... fortunately there are lots of alternatives. Maybe some of them will pay you well? Decently? Better than Taco Bell would?

lacochran said...

I look forward to the December posts and congrats on the NBC Sports blog! Glad you're finally getting the kind of wide-spread audience you deserve!

Dinzer said...

A post a day for the rest of the month? There really IS a Santa Clause! And, apparently, I've been a very good boy this year.

Thanks. I'm really looking forward to your posts.

Titanium said...

The NBC Sports post was wayyy beyond hilarious- good for you, taking Tiger by the tail.

Post on- we who are about to choke on our coffee while laughing, salute you.

Phil said...

The word 'sports' is almost nowhere to be found in my lexicon (it hides near 'Olympics' and 'look at the abs on those swimmers'), but I have to say that I've been totally digging your sports posts. So definite kudos for that.

JerseySjov said...

"one-feathered hand turkey" oh goodness, that's a good one.

i join the previous commenters in being excited about a whole month of new posts from you :)

theloosemoose said...

Great job on that NBC Sports blog, you!!! Very, very, very funny and well written. You'll be crazy famous before you know it. CONGRATS!!!