Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Tiger Woods & Some Other Stuff

Obviously, Tiger and his Value-Pack of Mistresses are the biggest sports story of 2009, if not one of the biggest stories, period. A friend and I argued about this over lunch yesterday, half-chewed fries falling out of my mouth as I insisted that Tiger's wood had to be the biggest deal, because it quickly moved from the sports page to the front page, lingering there long enough for everyone -- even those who couldn't name another golfer if Phil Mickelson was gnawing on their left leg -- to understand what's happening, whether they wanted to or not.

Even the most elderly of my elderly neighbors, the one who stopped caring about pop culture shortly after Patsy Cline died, had heard enough to suggest that Tiger should've "kept it in his trousers", shaking her head as she pressed the elevator button with the tip of her cane.

This week for NBC Sports - Out of Bounds, I recapped the purported whereabouts of Tiger Woods' nether regions year in sporting events, because that's what writers do in that week-long time trough between unwrapping Christmas gifts and crumpling the last page of the calendar.

I sincerely hope that article was the last time I have to write the phrase "Alleged Mistress" in 2009. I mean, other than when I'm ordering my new business cards because "Alleged Mistress" is only slightly less embarrassing than "Full-Time Blogger".

6 comments:

Little Miss Paige said...

You're great. I love every stinkin' word of this.

XOX

Dawn said...

I totally want Alleged Mistress on my business cards. It sounds much classier than Head Fred or Back Way from This Bitch. Calling the printer first thing in the morning. Unless she's still in bed with Tiger. (sidenote: been reading your stuff for a while now, and I'm crazy loving it.)

Mike said...

Don't know if you've seen this Tiger joke or not - http://mikenet707.blogspot.com/2009/12/1017-lil-johnny.html

And then I heard today - Tiagra, for when 18 holes isn't enough.

Paige said...

I love it that you referenced Phil Mickelsen--when I was being funny to my mother and did the same thing she almost fainted dead away. Apparently, you and I blaspheme

Oh well

jg_38 said...

I'll go out "on the town" this weekend and see if I can find that "Orlando Magic jersey".

LIVE FROM SIOUX FALLS!

Word Verification: bletarl

Tamsyn said...

Great article, I love it!