Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Figure Hating

"I studied theatre in college and took enough of the required classes -- things like "Stage Makeup", "Advanced Stage Makeup" and "We Get It, You Can Paint Your Face to Look Like a Bluebird" -- to wrap up my major halfway through my senior year. For my final semester, I loaded my schedule with a number of brain-busters that involved eyeliner and emoting but was still one credit short of the minimum requirement. I flipped to the Physical Education section of the course catalog, which was like a cruise ship's activity guide, offering everything from Bowling to Tennis to -- yes! -- Figure Skating.

Figure Skating sounded like the perfect introduction to the starched white-collar life I hoped would be waiting for me on the other side of graduation, one that involved cloth napkins and roasted pheasant and other things I probably should've considered before majoring in Theater. So I signed up for the class, a twice-a-week commitment to tiered skirts and twisted ankles.

We were supposed to meet the instructors at our local ice rink and I should've known it was a bad sign when I couldn't even make it inside before sprawling face-down on the partially-frozen sidewalk. I was already limping when I took my first tentative steps onto the ice, but still knew I was going to be a natural. I had grace. I had balance. And I had ice chips lodged in my personal areas before I'd even made it halfway around the rink."

Last week on NBC Sports-Out of Bounds, I had the chance to recap another of my failures, my sad, short-lived attempt at learning how to figure skate.

You can read the whole story here. How many of you can say that your senior year involved feverishly clutching an elderly woman's arm and trying not to cry? You know what, don't answer that.

16 comments:

NY Wolve said...

I can't believe your instructor encouraged you to drop!

Did you DOR and give in to Sergeant Foley or stick it out like Zack Mayo?

The Revolutionar said...

I'm offended by the mere SUGGESTION that a course in eyeliner isn't a brain-buster.

Laura said...

Ha, I took figure skating my senior year too, but my experience was very different and I loved it. (Probably just because I was good at it - if I sucked, I would have hated it, kind of like the way I dropped "Intro to Riflery and Marksmanship" when I was too much of a weakling to even shoulder the gun).

Great article!

Titanium said...

Okay. I won't answer that.

:)

anNEonymous franke said...

I would've loved if figure skating had been available! I wouldn't have taken it (I learned my lesson about ice during a casual ice skating outing), but just knowing it was out there would have been a treat.
Better than that yoga class...if I'd known she was going to make us write a term paper, I never would've taken the class and saved myself the shame of w-drawing the day after she handed us the syllabus.

Love,

af

JackeeG4glamorous said...

Are you kidding? That's how I spend my life now...clutching the arm of the elderly and trying not to cry.

auntie said...

so, i just finished reading all your archives and i think i'm in love with you. for reals.

sid said...

Hahaha. That is brilliant. I wish I had such interesting courses in South Africa.

Anonymous said...

Where are you, Jelissa?!?! It's been too long!

Anonymous said...

Jelissa, where did you goooooooo? I miss your funny.

Anonymous said...

Is this blog dead? Can i take it out of my favorites? Let your readers know - it's only right

Anonymous said...

yawwwwwwwn.

hindisms said...

this blog is not dead but author may be sleeping..

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