Tuesday, April 06, 2010

Kicking, Screaming, Etc.

First, I'm alive. My limbs are still attached, my obituary is still a half-finished Word document1 and I'm still here, subsisting largely on the kind of cellophane-wrapped mistakes that can only be purchased in the shittiest of Exxon stations.

So why haven't I been writing? That's the thing: I've been doing nothing but writing since I somehow managed to score a couple of ongoing projects, both locally and nationally.2 If my hands had been on any of my exes as long as they've hovered over my Mac's home keys, I'd probably need to own more than one pillow case.

But because I'm made entirely of distrac--BANANA IS MY FAVORITE COLOR! I WONDER WHAT A COELACANTH SMELLS LIKE? MY BRAIN ITCHES!--tions it's been admittedly difficult for me to focus even three Timex ticks past my deadlines. And lately my life hasn't been made of much other than typing, editing, conducting the occasional interview and hoping I won't ever develop Ellen Degeneres-style neck skin. I did take a break this morning to liberally baste myself with alpha-hydroxy products, because I never want to use the folds of my face as a change purse.

"So is it all about the Benjamins, baby?" you may be asking, because in my head you all talk like Puff Daddy. That's part of my enduring frustration; despite the increased time spent rearranging san-serif formatted sentences, it doesn't seem to be helping my financial status. When I checked my balance earlier today, my account was largely composed of dust, bits of string, and the canned laughter of the BB& T staff when I asked whether I could use a complete set of 1987 Topps cards to pay back my credit line.3

Finally, despite my near overdose on personal issues and annoyances, I sincerely thank everyone for their concern, for the emails and Facebook messages that asked where the hell I'd been hiding and whether or not I was still on the right side of the earth's crust. I owe it to you guys--the ones who have been reading this site for the past five years, three jobs and four former boyfriends--to keep this up.

But wait! There's more! Here are the last few things I've done for NBC Sports - Out of Bounds. Since February, I've covered why I didn't sleep with Wilt Chamberlain; what the NCAA tournament has in common with Cher; why the WNBA is dangerously close to becoming a state fair sideshow; how Lionel Ritchie wrecked my NCAA bracket (though I didn't know it at the time); why ESPN broadcaster Tony Kornheiser is a Douche Lord; and--just last week--the fact that it is possible to strike out at tee-ball.

And finally, let's talk about Robyn Hitchcock. Most of you know that I'm a lyric-spewing, tattered t-shirt wearing, double-decade fan of his music and that last summer, my life was pretty much made when I had the chance to interview him.

It got better.

Last month, I re-interviewed him for his website--at his request. Read that sentence again and ask yourself whether my shrieks of delight were audible from outside our own galaxy.4 We largely focused on his just-released album, Propellor Time, but also talked about everything from love to death to why the universe may turn out to be a jelly-filled donut. The entire process was well past stellar and--as always--he couldn't have been more engaging or more insightful with his answers. You can read the entire interview here.

So, yeah. I'm back. Thanks again, you guys. High fives and prolonged eye contact all around.

1 In the event of my demise--probably in some Cakesters-related mishap--I want Monty Python's "Dead Parrot" sketch to serve as my memorial, obviously replacing any references to the Norwegian Blue with my first and middle name.
2 And by "nationally", I mean that I'm invoicing someone who lives far enough away that we don't bump into each other in the ant trap aisle at Target.
3 I don't like to brag, but I made a solid four-figure salary last year. Things were so insanely awful in '09 that my accountant called over the weekend just to verify that I'd actually worked for all twelve months.
4 Yes. They were.

40 comments:

Mary@Holy Mackerel said...

Whoa, this is really weird, but somehow cool all at the same time. I went looking for you in my reader, and it said there were no new posts, which made me think that just couldn't be,because ... well, how could it?! But it was, until I went to Facebook and didn't find anything there, so I went directly to your site, and LO AND BEHOLD! There was a newborn post just for me!! It's like we're psychically linked, or something.

Glad to see you! And I hope some of that stuff above made sense.

Holly A Hughes said...

At last she's back! Aside from my nearly terminal jealousy over the Robyn Hitchcock interview, I'm glad to see you in action again.

Michael said...

Glad to see you're among the living and somewhat employed. A Jelisa-less life is, frankly, like no life at all.



Word Verification Football: "monecing", the act of looking menacing towards someone who owes you money.

poodlegoose said...

Mmm coelecanth. I wish I could catch one of those in my fake world. Jeez. They just won't ever come.

basilexposition said...

The second Hitchcock interview: J-Money, I do really like you and am truly very happy for you, but at the same time, I HATE you, VERY MUCH.

Nate said...

Mo Money, Mo Problems. Is all I'm sayin. Glad to have you back. Colon dash right parenthesis.

Bradshaw said...

Welcome back!!!

d said...

It's alive!

I once had a pastor who made me promise to recite the dead parrot sketch at her wake. I hope she's forgotten by now.

miss. chief said...

That's so funny, last night American Idol came on after the boyfriend watched Lost and I was much too lazy to get up and change the channel. After the "you change it" debate, we both just kind of settled in and watched and I thought the same thing about Ellen's neck. What's up with that skin?

Hollywood Sucker said...

Congrats on all the writing work. Glad you are alive, and apparently not dying any faster than the rest of us.

zlionsfan said...

So, the 1987 set won't work? It's just as well, I'm missing about 20 cards from that year. If, however, they'll take a complete 1981 Topps set, let me know and I'll send it your way.

Congrats on somehow managing to get the universe to align in such a way as to have Hitchcock ask you to interview him! If you aren't making a reasonable amount of money yet, at least certain things are going your way ...

Cagey said...

I was beginning go get concerned. I know you run like... someone who runs a lot, and that can be killer. And I'm a big Cakester fan, too, so I'm pretty sure they're not lethal, but...

Anyway, glad you're back. Maybe some warning next time?

Anonymous said...

I can breathe once again now that I know you are still breathing. I was holding sympathy breath for you. Promise you'll never be that long away again, some of us are already too old and may not survive a lengthy absence.
Larry

Dreamer said...

hi! just wanted to say i love your blog !

Phil said...

Dang, girl, you have been busy! Obviously, color me jealous about the Robyn Hitchcock gig. Next time you talk to him, tell him that I love his hair.

MonsteRawr said...

Glad to see you're still alive. And not in prison. And not Big Buhla's bitch. Or trying to figure out how to stash a bicycle pump into your rectum so that you and Big Buhla can use it to inflate your homemade hot air balloon woven entirely out of raincoats and human hair.

I missed you.

Anonymous said...

I'VE BEEN WAITING! :-P glad you're still alive.

repliderium.com said...

I've missed your insanity!
ps- a coelacanth smells like Parmesan cheese and death. Don't ask how I know that.

sween said...

This seems to have been written 15 days ago.

MOAR JELISA!!!

*flail*

Quirky Girl said...

HAha, your blog makes me laugh out loud and I'm in the library...oops! Thanks for the laughs.

Anonymous said...

Yay! I'm glad to see you're writing here again!

Mike said...

I saw you on TV last night. Even if was only for .46738 seconds.

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Gary said...

The last post was in April? At least it was 2010, but still, that's quite an intermission.

Anonymous said...

I've never commented before, but... where did you go?

Steve EE said...

I have just read the blog for the first time. I love it, you crack me up. Thanks for making my all too mundane and aggravating unemployment more bearable, I found an all to rare smile and a needed one at that.

saucyminx410 said...

I've been following you for quite awhile now and am not sure if I commented ever or not (you have so many followers I just assumed that you get sooo many comments mine would go unnoticed) I've loved your witty writing style. I am a regular Jeopardy watcher and watched yesterday as a young woman whooped record breaking Rodger with the New Orleans Saints question - I kept thinking "I've seen this chick somewhere...but didn't go any further with it- then somehow while watching today it dawned on me and I said to my husband; "I think I "know" that girl, I've been following her blog for like two years..." and I arrive here to find that your profile now says you're pretty good at Jeopardy and that your no longer just J-Money but your full name is displayed. Congrats on your big win- and I know that this is all pre-taped and you already know how you did - but GOOD LUCK! I feel like I know a celebrity! LOL!

Jennifer said...

Coelocanth? Used to play the Nintendo game "Animal Crossing" all the time... The day I caught that fish I was incredibly happy.

You're really entertaining. I'm definitely following you.

maxdubinsky said...

Love your style. Real. Funny. Rewarding. All of it. Keep writing.

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tink said...

hahah just came across your blog via 20something bloggers and i love it. i can confirm i talk like puff daddy :)

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sgrmse. said...

i don't know you but I LOVE YOU! you are frickin' hilarious!!! :'D

and i totes agree— typing makes me sound busy, too. often times, i'm typing totally unrelated things.. but ssh, let's just keep that between us ;)

WHOO-HOO on the interview!! (or no? lol)